I Still Need You (A BMTH, BFMV, etc. fanfic)

Hospital For Souls

I closed the door of my room, and immediately screamed into a pillow.

I hadn't felt like myself when I was cutting, I'd thought I was healing then. Now...now everything just hurt, down to my soul.

Dad was so, so angry with me. He'd grabbed me. He had never touched me in any way that wasn't affectionate before, and I had never been so scared.

I couldn't keep thinking about it. I was starting to panic again, and if he walked in on me having another panic attack, he would only be more angry.

I curled up, wrapping my arms around a pillow as knife-like sobs cut through me, straight to my core. Maybe this really should've been it. Maybe I shouldn't have held myself back anymore.

Maybe it was time to let go.

"Hazel?"

The door creaked open, letting a sliver of light into the room, and a familiar head poked inside.

I gasped and curled up tighter, scooching as far away as possible as Dad walked in.

He saw me, and his eyes widened.

"Oh, baby. Baby, are you scared of me?"

He looked scared himself at the realization, but I couldn't help but nod.

"Honey, you don't have to be afraid of me. It's still me. It's still Dad." He hurried over, crouching down to meet me at eye level.

I pulled back farther, the wall pressing against my back. "You grabbed me. You yelled. You swore. In front of Eliot and Eden!" I felt my eyes well up again. Fuck, no. I was so done with crying.

"I know. I know," Dad tore both of his hands through his hair, mussing it up even more than usual. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, baby."

I clutched my chest harder.

"Does 'sorry' make this go away?" 

I gasped, and sweat formed on my brow again.

"Daddy...I'm so scared." I whispered, "I'm so scared."

My heart pounded in my ears, and I yanked my knees up to my chest. I was going down. I was crashing.

"No. No, baby, stay with me. You're okay. I'm here," Dad tried, but I was falling. He brushed hair away from my face, "Baby?" He stood  up and ran towards the door. "Jordan! Jordan!"

"What happened, mate? Is she alright?" 

Everything was going blurry, and I forced my head between my knees, trying to take deep breaths. You're okay, you're okay, you're okay. 

"Does 'sorry' make this go away?"

The tiniest of screams escaped my lips, and I heard footsteps pound before the door burst open.

Uncle Jordan dropped down in front of me, cupping my face with his hand and using his thumb to keep my hair out of my eyes.

"I'm here, love. I've got you, Haze. Breathe with me, okay?" He took a large breath, "In..."

I shakily tried to do the same.

"Good girl. And out..." he let it go, and so did I.

We did a few more, and finally, things faded back into focus. 

A choked sob escaped me before I could stop it, and I threw my arms around him.

"Uncle Jordan...I-I'm sorry...I didn't mean...and then Dad...and I..." I was choking on my own words, biting back so many emotions that needed to be spoken.

He returned the hug, gently rubbing my back and rocking me back and forth as I cried like a child. 

"Shh...shh, it's okay, Haze. I've got you. I'm sorry about your dad's temper. He just can't bear to see you hurt like that. Especially if it's self-inflicted. It makes him feel like he's not doing enough."

"But he is doing enough. He's doing so much more." I choked out, "Especially with the band and everything."

Uncle Jordan held me for a few more moments before leaning away to look me in the eyes.

"Have you ever done it before today, Hazel?"

I looked at the ground. "Once. While on tour." I wiped my eyes, and hurt and guilt flooded Uncle Jordan's eyes. "I just...Jax stopped me. And now...I lied to him too. I broke my promise."

"What promise?"

"I was supposed to tell you after the first time. And I was going to, but then it was never the right time, and I just...it's all bad excuses. And I'm sorry." I flicked a piece of hair over my shoulder. "I promised Jax I'd tell you, he threw away every blade in the bus, and he made me promise him I'd never hurt myself again. God, I really thought that was a promise I'd be able to keep." 

"You can keep it. I know Oli was mad tonight, but it's because he loves you. Just like how he was against you dating Jax before. He wants you to live the happiest, healthiest life you can. We're here, okay? Talk to us. Don't turn to a blade, Haze, please." He pulled me close again.

I buried my face in his shoulder, and I felt another pair of arms wrap around me.

It took about a millisecond for me to recognize Dad's scent, and I felt Jordan duck out of the hug to leave just me and him alone in the room.

"I'm sorry, Daddy." I whispered.

"I'm sorry I scared you. We're gonna figure this out, alright, love?" Dad mumbled into my hair.

"Okay."

He kissed my forehead again, smoothing hair aside. I stared at his eyes, a mirror of my own.

"I just want you to have a happier teenager teenagehood then I did." He whispered, clearly referencing his own struggle with addiction, or maybe something I didn't know about.

"I'm trying," I promised.

"I know. I love you. I'm sorry again."

"It's okay. I love you, too."

We held each other for a while before Dad finally let me go.

"I should go tell Jordan about-"

"Did Alissa mean it?" I suddenly blurted out without meaning to as his hand brushed against the doorknob.

He froze. "Mean what?"

"I heard you guys talking. Not that long ago. She wants to send me to some boarding school in London." I bit my lip. "Please don't let me go." I begged.

Dad tightened his hug again. "I won't. I promise. I can't. I still need you around." 

"I need you, too." I mumbled into his shoulder.

"I'll go tell Jordan about our newfound peace. Alright?"

"Okay," I agreed, and he left, gently closing the door behind him.

What couldn't have been more than two minutes later, my phone lit up with a new message.

Jax: you up?

I smiled, but it faded quickly. I had to tell him what I'd done.

Now the only real question was how.