Unbreakable Bonds

Chapter 33

The night before the 2020/2021 season begins, Lex and I are laying in bed. my head on her chest as she holds me tight. Neither of us can sleep but neither says anything.

"Lex? Are you awake?"

"Yes mi amor. What's wrong?"

"I saw Dom the other day. The day you picked me up from the beach. I saw him. I ran to the house. We talked for a bit and then a lady and her kid came. He was calling Dom papa. Do you think he had a kid and just didn't tell me? Just pretended I wasn't there? He made a new family." I kept it from her for long enough. I left ashamed that my only living family member didn't want me anymore.

"I know. He sent me a message on instagram but I didn't want to say anything to you until you told me."

"Am I that fucked up that my own brother doesn't want to love me?"

"Amor, I can promise you right now, you're so incredibly loveable. Everyone loves you. The team, my family, the fans. You're the best person despite everything that has happened. If he can't see that, then it's his loss."

Lex knows how to settle me, but this doesn't. There's something nagging me in the back of my mind. I can't place it but it's there.

The days the follow are just as hard. More running takes place, I always run past the house and stop. Watching Dom and his family through the window. I know how incredibly creepy it is but I can't help but wonder how things could've been different. Is that what my parents looked like with us kids? I will never know.

Every social event is getting harder. Team dinners, movie nights, everything. I completely deleted every social media app off my phone and refuse to do media interviews or photo shoots. Lex is worried, the team is worried, but they don't say anything. I don't say anything.

the day of our last game before the Christmas break, it dawns on me. I don't have any friends outside of soccer. I don't have any friends who can come and support me. My life is Barca. Lex has her own friends, ones she grew up with and went to school with. But I don't. Not really, I have, no had, Ronnie and maybe 1 or 2 other people in Australia but that was it. The thoughts and anxieties starting creeping in. My leg was bouncing up and down, I tried to focus on the sound it was making but I couldn't. All I could focus on was that I had no friends and no real family.

"Anastasia, let's go. It's game time"

"Ana? Earth to Ana!"

"What's wrong with her?"

"Ana? Hey can you hear me?"

"Someone get Ale! Hurry!"

I felt someone's hands go on top of me. Flinching i recoil and look up. Noticing everyone's concerned faced and Lex squatting so she was at my level, her hands on my thighs.

"Amor, what's going on in that head of yours? What do you need?"

"Nothing. I'm fine. Let's go."

I left every one stunned in the locked room. No one said anything the rest of the game but I could see the looks. I saw Alexia and Mel talking to Jona and the team doctor, looking over at me every so often. I knew what was coming and it didn't make me feel any better.

Over the coming days I distanced myself even more. Not on purpose. Not really. I didn't have the energy to talk or to pretend to be happy. I was so caught up in the what ifs that I stopped noticing things around me. The team doctor had made me an appointment for the 28th of December, in the middle of training.

This Christmas was the worst one yet. I tried to put on the happiest fake smile I could, but it didn't work. I overheard Lexi talking with Eli in the kitchen at dinner time, I was heading outside for fresh air but it made me stop in my tracks.

"I'm really worried about her mami. She's not the same anymore and I don't know what to do. She's barely eating, only enough so people don't ask questions but I don't think she's even keeping it down. She cries herself to sleep, I don't sleep until I know she's asleep. She thinks I don't know but I do. I can't help her because she won't let me." She can't help me. I cant even help me. I don't know what's wrong. There's just a dark cloud following me wherever I go.

Lex must of heard me when I closed the back door. Tears started rolling down my face, I couldn't help it. I wanted it to stop. the tears, the pain, the numbness, everything.

"Amor? What's wrong?" Lexi wrapped her arms around me, "sh, it's okay bebe. I'm here, let it out."

"Make it stop lex. Please. Make it all stop."

"I'm not understanding bebita. Make what stop?"

"Everything. I don't know what's wrong with me. I want it all to stop. Everything to stop. I don't want to do this anymore." I felt lexs arms tighten around me, as if she was trying to put the broken pieces back together, then I felt her tears. My confession had been like a stab to the heart for her. She blamed herself for letting it get this bad. She couldn't have done anything though. It wasn't her fault.

The day of the appointment was the hardest day I'd had in a while. We didn't get many days off during the season, usually Lex and I would escape for the two days after Christmas, this year we didn't. A lot was different this year. I refused to get out of bed, simply not having any energy. No matter how much sleep I got, I was still tired. Lex dressed me. Just in comfy track suit pants, a tillies T-shirt and a hoodie. She followed up by putting my socks and shoes on and then taking me to the bathroom. Brushing my teeth and my hair, then braiding it. All while I sat there, crying. Feeling like a burden. She didn't mind though, wanting to look after me.

Lex couldn't come into the appointment but she came to the meeting afterwards. Jona, the doctor and the therapist were all there. I'd given them permission to share, mainly because I couldn't but also because I thought it would be easier. Alexia held my hand the entire time, rubbing her thumb against my hand, attempting to reassure me.

It didn't work.