Caelum Nazarro
"Stop! ano ba, Caelum?!" natigilan ako nang marinig ko ang sigaw sa akin ni mommy. Bumuntong hininga siya kinuha niya ang cellphone sa ibabaw ng study table ko.
"Maybe I'm wrong to accept you here, I don't know you anymore!" singhal niya sa akin. Napahawak ako sa aking ulo.
My head hurts so much I hear voices one after another. Screams and cries. Its killing me. I want to end this! Fuck!
"W-where is Aisha?" nanghihina kong tanong.
Where is she I can't find her, she's all I need, I don't want in this fucking house! They all thought I was crazy that I was out of my mind.
"Hello, Doc? Yes can you hurry up please? because he's losing it again. Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko." Umawang ang bibig ko sa narinig.
"M-mom..." nang ibaba niya ang cellphone napailing siya sa akin bago ako iwan sa kwarto. Agad akong bumangon sa aking kama at pilit na binubuksan ang pinto pero nilocked niya ito.
Ako? baliw? I'm fucking not!
"Argh!" muli kong nararamdaman ang sakit. Muling pumasok sa alala ko ang lahat. Pagod na pagod na akong umiyak pagod na rin ang puso ko sa walang katapusang pagdurusa.
"Aisha..." mahina kong bulong umaasa na babalik pa siya kasi kung hindi baka mabaliw na nga ako ng tuluyan.
Nagising ako kinabukasan na may doctor na sa tabi ko. Nagpakilala siya bilang psychiatrist kaya matinding galit ang pumaloob sa akin, masama ang tingin ko kay mommy. Is she my mother? but why during the time she didn't even consider me as her son, unlike when Caroline was still alive.
She smiled at me. "Hello, kamusta?"
"Are you going to lock me up?" umawang ang kanyang labi. She smiled slightly and shook her head at me.
"Don't worry, that won't happen. I'm doctora Ylanez." Nakipag kamay siya sa nanginginig kong mga kamay.
"Sorry, I'm not crazy, it's just like this... I can't explain."
"You are experiencing a PTSD or Post-traumatic stress disorder based on what your mommy is telling me, were you there the day your sister died? is that right?" muling nanlamig ang kamay ko. Napayuko ako at dahan-dahang tumango.
"It's hard to forget the past especially if you were a witness to a complicated event and blame yourself. Hindi makakatulong ang magulang mo sa'yo. I want to be honest with you, kung pwede kang lumipat sa alam mong safe ka doon ka magpagaling."
She e asked a lot of questions until I felt a little better. She also said routine things that I would do. Tulad ng sinabi niya umalis ako sa bahay nang hindi nililingon ang magulang ko.
They are part of my trauma, they for me were never my parents.
I was never happy throughout my youth, I didn't even experience being cared for by my own parents at a young age, I was very jealous whenever there were complete families I met. Parang kalahati ng buhay ko ay naging madilim.
Kahit mahirap nagsumikap akong ipagpatuloy ang payo ng doctor palagi niya rin akong dinadalaw. Aisha is not out of my mind and I hope that she will come back so I always visit their house hoping that she will come home but only a few years passed and I failed to see her again. Hindi ko naman makuha ang contact niya kila Tita kaya sa Facebook ako nagpapadala ng mensahe umaasa na magre-reply siya.
"Are you sure about this?" seryosong tanong ni Rupert.
"Yeah."
"Cael, you look so tired these past few days, gusto ka naming puntahan sa condo mo pero kapag pupunta kami ay wala ka roon." Aniya pa. Nilapag ko ang aking gitara sa sofa.
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