NIKOAJ || hearts and stars

I really fucked up, babe!

I woke up feeling like I had a hangover, or at least what Niko had described to me a hangover felt like. I felt tired and weak, despite getting more hours of sleep than usual, I had literally slept through the entire day.

I tried to get up but noticed the stained sheets, pillows and blankets. I had ruined his bed. The one thing I had that kept me feeling like he was still here. His bed no longer smelt of his cologne, it smelt slightly metallic, and a sob escaped me.

"No, no, no, no, no." I panicked; I grabbed the tissues from beside his bed and tried to dab it out, I tried to scrub it, nothing worked. I gave up quickly, I didn't have the strength to keep going. I plunged my fists into the bed over and over again, this wouldn't have ever happened if I wasn't so stupid.

I heard someone knock at the door and I walked down the stairs, I tried to dry my eyes and stop crying but it was no use. I opened the door still crying, still a dried uncovered cut on my wrist. I prayed it was Niko at the door, I wanted nothing more.

"Fuck." Chunkz mumbled, he pushed me into the house and closed the door, "Man, Aj, are you good?" He asked. I just let out more sobs "I fucked up everything!" I yelled, I covered my face with my hands and cried. "I'm a fucking failure, Amin!" I screamed; he wrapped me in a hug. It was nothing like Niko's hug. "Shh, no you're not" he mumbled to me, he played with my hair in one hand, something Niko would've done as well. "He's gone! It's all my fault!" I screamed and slowly slid to the floor, Chunkz came with me, he held me in a hug. "Shh, shh, AJ, shh" He tried to quiet me down. "This isn't your fault, Niko has a weird way of thinking, you know this." He tried to tell me, but the only thing I could hear were his words.

'But what if I can't promise that?'

I sobbed harder, I should've known.

"Aj, please stop crying." He sniffled, it's not just me who's hurt. I tried to muffle my sobs; I didn't want to lose them too. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" I cried, I gripped onto Chunkz's shirt, "please don't go." it came out as more of a broken sob. "Aj, everyone's hurt right now, and we're trying to be here for you, please calm down. We're going to figure this out." Chunkz told me, he wasn't mad at me. "He packed his things and left?" Chunkz asked, I had told him over the phone. "Yeah, his clothes are gone, his phone, everything." I sniffled. "Okay, we'll try to get a hold of him." Chunkz told me.

We ended up having everyone over to try get into contact with him. James, George, Sharky, Kenny and a few of Niko's friends came over.

I was embarrassingly enough, curled up into an armchair, no one had seen me this ruined before.

I chewed on my thumb nail while they thought of what to do. George ended up calling him again.

"Hey." My head shot up and I could feel a sob breaking out. "Where are you?" George asked, Niko went silent "I can't." he mumbled, like he couldn't think of words to say "bye." he said so quietly, it broke me.

No one knew what to do.

"Why did he even leave to begin with?" Sebastian asked, Seb was a friend of Niko's from school, Kenny and George barely knew him, everyone else didn't know him at all.

"Because he got outed." I answered quietly "yeah but- wait what's your name again?" Seb asked me "Aj." I groaned "Okay, yeah but Aj, I don't think he even swings that way?" Seb said, "and even if he did, I mean there's no way he'd be so scared he'd run away from his 'boyfriend' and his literal house." Seb spoke again. "Okay, Sebastian, Niko and I are dating, shocker, we went out on a date, and someone took photos and videos of us then released it via social media. Niko was extremely scared of people finding out and even told me if we were to get outed, he couldn't promise me he'd stay," I choked on my words for a moment, I hated thinking about the fact he might leave me for good. "Therefore, he left, and I think one of us here know something about where he went, or he is staying with them." I told him, he looked confused "wait, you're dating him?" he turned his head like a dog "yes, Sebastian, I'm dating Niko." I groaned "well, whatever, had Nikolas talked to any of you today or yesterday?" I asked.

Sebastian nodded; he was the only one beside George.

"Wait what did he say to you?" I asked.

"He came over, we didn't do anything though" he shrugged, "what do you mean 'we didn't do anything'?" I asked, "oh, in high school I was a bit of a druggie, I'm still like associated with it to these two" he pointed to George and Kenny who were very obviously judging him. "Oh, okay?" I hummed and sat back in my seat "did he say anything about going anywhere?" I asked, he shook his head.

Well fuck.

We talked for a while until everyone went home and I was alone again.

My house felt so sad and empty. My wrist was itchy but itching only made it bleed. I walked into Niko's bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. Why did he leave? I wasn't nearly as sad when I thought of it this time. I opened my phone, his Instagram story was recently posted on, he was in his car.

I frowned and tried my hardest to keep my tears in, but I failed. I felt hopeless. I grabbed a blade and thought again.

What the fuck am I doing?

This is so wrong.

I shouldn't be doing this.

"Fuck you, Niko." I cried, dragging the blade across my skin again, it wasn't smoother, it was rough, and the line wasn't straight. My skin bunched up in the same spot, I dragged the blade through and choked.

I had fucked up.

I had cut far too deep.

This wasn't meant to happen.

I dropped the blade and turned the tap on, I ran my wrist under the water, but nothing would stop the bleeding, I held a towel over the cut, and it just stained.

I cried even harder; I grabbed my phone and dialled Niko's number.

Of course, he didn't pick up.

It went to voicemail.

"I really fucked up, babe!" I cried, looking down at my wrist, it dripped onto the floor and the smell made me feel sick.

"I really, really fucked up!" I started crying harder, my wrist only got more painful.

"Oh god, oh god." I felt dizzy and no amount of pressure was stopping the blood.

I leaned against the wall and slid down to sit down.

I laid on the cold tile floor.

I hung up.

I pressed my hand against my wrist so harshly, but blood seeped out from the sides, "fucking hell, man." I spat.

I passed out of the floor.

I woke up and the sun was down, I reached for my phone which had no notifications. I frowned, not even Niko cared.

What's wrong with me? 

CHARLIE:

tbh guys where do you think Niko is 

LOVE U