NIKOAJ || hearts and stars

Bad Dog.

A week passed and my every waking thought revolved around Niko. I tried to distance myself to calm my odd rediscovering of my love for him, nothing worked. We spent less and less time together as Niko trusted me more, I remembered how I begged for freedom and now how all I wanted was for him to always be near me. I would occasionally walk into his room and just lay there; he would encase me in his arms and talk for what seemed like forever. I never kissed him, I never told him I loved him, I just sat in his arms as he talked about his interests.

He talked about his future collaborations, what he planned to do in the future, and of course off in the side of every story he's planned out, I'm there.

Last night I asked Niko to stay with me, despite not being scared or having a nightmare. I just wanted him beside me. He didn't care, he laid down in my bed and let me cuddle into his bare chest.

I woke up in the morning to an empty bed, the mattress dipped where he laid earlier, but it had lost its warmth. I sat up and left my bed, walking downstairs to find him in the kitchen, talking to Kiara. Niko stopped talking and turned to me "Aj, morning." he smiled. "Morning, Nick." I sighed, turning to Kiara and offering a polite wave which she returned. Niko continued on talking as I made myself a bowl of cereal, Kiara laughed at every dead joke he made which made me feel physically ill, there was no way her humor was this bad. I sat at the dining table instead of the breakfast bar, not wanting to interrupt their time together.

I ate quietly, every few seconds I would find myself listening in on their conversation.

Kiara looked behind her, at me. She leaned towards Niko and whispered in his ear, she let out a loud laugh, Niko was silent, I turned my head to look at them and Niko was looking at me with a saddened expression. "That's not funny." Niko mumbled.

I felt the irrational decision that she was laughing at me.

I stood up and grabbed my bowl, placing it in the sink and heading for the stairs. Kiara let out another laugh as she watched me climb the stairs to my room, and suddenly the idea of her laughing at me wasn't so irrational.

Something in my head didn't click, something in me jumped straight to the worst-case scenario. My head rattled with the need to glide something against my wrist.

Niko had rid the house of blades weeks ago, including the ones in my room, except one.

I had shoved a blade in between the crack of the windowsill and the window before Niko even returned home. I approached the windowsill, the shining blade sticking out just enough to grab it, but not enough to notice it if you didn't know it was there. My fingers gripped the metal and pulled it from the small space. The blade was bent slightly out of shape from the pressing of the wall and window. I stared at it, glistening in the sunlight.

I looked down at my wrists and wondered if I really wanted to do this. I knew what I was thinking was wrong, but I hadn't felt like cutting since the incident. I don't know what feeling arose in me to consider relapsing. Relapsing. If I relapsed, I would be proving to myself how weak I was, if I cut myself now, I was a failure. If Niko could get clean, why couldn't I? Why did something so disgusting plague my thoughts?

I wondered if I had the inability to recover. Getting clean was driving my relationship with Niko, if I ruined it now Niko would never trust me, we would never get back together, his face, his smile, his laughter, they would all disappear from my life.

Irrational thoughts got the better of me.

Getting clean was a change for the better, but then I couldn't call it that. It had only been three weeks. I stared at the blade as I pressed it to my skin. I didn't move it, it sat there, pressing lightly into my skin as I thought.

If everything went downhill from here, if everyone left me, if Niko left, Chunkz, Sharky, Kenny. If Seb left, if George left, my family, my fans.

Nothing can get worse.

The blade pressed into my skin as I gripped it harshly and proceeded to drag it across my skin.

It wasn't pretty, I cut over the white raised skin that had healed, the other scars were reopened at the hands of myself and the blade.

It hit me, what if Niko sent me away? What if he gets so fed up, he sends me to the mental hospital like they told him to?

Nothing can get worse.

I drew the blade across my skin once more. I hated myself for it. Something overtook me, my own thoughts were running wild, I was irrational. Maybe a mental hospital would be quite fitting.

I laughed to myself, but it quickly turned to tears as I watched blood seep out of the small cuts, I had drawn across my wrists. I pinched the skin on my wrist together and more blood pushed itself out of my body.

The blade drew across my skin again, my tears poured into the wound.

My knees wobbled beneath me, and I fell into my bed. I dropped the blade on the floor and grasped my wrist tightly in my hand, I sobbed uncontrollably as I thought of all the possibilities of what everyone would do if they found out. I pulled my knees into my chest and cried harder, I wished to be normal. I knew how Niko hated when I said that, but I truly wished for a normal life. I wanted nothing more than to be normal.

Maybe in my next life, I thought, but I knew that would never happen, I wasn't even worthy of this one.

I think I fell asleep after I cried for a while, I woke up to a silent house. Niko's car was gone from the driveway, and no one was in the house. I had no text saying he was going.

I sat on the floor of the kitchen and started crying again. I knew he wouldn't leave me again; I just knew he wouldn't. But did I? Did I really know if he would do it all again? Was I one big prank to him? What's wrong with me?

I heard a car pull into the driveway and the front door open. My hand and wrist were covered in blood, but I disregarded it. I stood up to see Niko. I knew he wouldn't leave. I walked up to him and hugged him. He was silent, but he hugged me back regardless.

I prayed he wouldn't realise the blood.

I let go of him, releasing him from my hug and his hand gripped my arm instantly.

He stared at the wrist I had just drawn blades into. He put his hand in his hair as he muttered curses under his breath, still staring at my scars and fresh cuts.

I was stupid, I was dumb, stupid, horrible, I'm so stupid, why did I do this? Oh my god why did I do this? I'm a bad person. I'm ruining his life. I should've died. I should've died that night. He should've left me to bleed out. Why did I do this?

I felt like a bad dog, like I was going to be locked outside for misbehaving.

I stared at the cuts too. They were a gruesome sight. 

CHARLIE:

i was listening to Mitski sorry guys

love you 😔