NIKOAJ || hearts and stars

I can't explain.

I walked inside and headed for the stairs "oi." he sounded "sit." he told me as he walked to the couch. I followed, taking a seat in the armchair. "I've gone ahead and rid the house of blades, we cool with that?" he asked, sitting across from me "yeah, sure." I shrugged, he nodded "I think it's reasonable to apologise, I left for my own benefit as well as yours, I thought being seen in public together would drive rumours, and so I could get better, I needed time away, I was taking advantage of your inability to stop me." he told me, complete honesty. I sat silently, taking everything in for a moment "okay." I nodded "I understand." I smiled, Niko nodded, and stood up, extending a hand and helping me up as well. "And" he said as he pulled me closer, his lips beside my ear "you better believe I'm not taking my eyes off you for a second." he whispered, a shiver ran down my back, his breath hot on my ear. I sighed, half of me expected it "fine." I nodded, walking to the stairs, Niko followed behind me, his hands in his pockets. "They said I have to rebandage your wrists for you, make sure you don't cut yourself again, if you do its recommended to send you to a mental hospital." He told me as we walked into my room, I took a seat on my bed as he talked, looking up at him "and surely you can see why I don't want to do that." Niko said. We were quiet for a moment "can I see your wrists?" I asked, he shrugged "sure, why not." he turned his wrists over, exposing the various cuts across his wrists, they were faded, some turned into scabs and others were faded into white lines. I ran my fingers across the scars, the skin was raised, and it was relaxing under my fingertips. I let go of his hand and nodded, he took a seat beside me on my bed, his arms snaked around me, hugging me. "I know it's not pretty, Aj." Niko sighed, "and this is going to be bloody difficult, but I'm here for you, and I'm going to try my best." Niko told me, his arm running up and down my arm soothingly. I rested my head on his shoulder and looked down at my wrists "mine are going to be much worse, aren't they?" I asked, "yeah. Thats not a bad thing though, when they're healed it's like a story told through pictures, your battle, and how strong you are." He told me "I know that's hard to believe but trust me, it's true." Niko whispered to me, his hand ran through my hair "and your scars are nothing to be ashamed of, Aj." he told me, I was quiet. "Cutting is how I release my feelings; I feel like part of me is being taken away." I whispered; Niko just able to hear. "Just talk. Talk to me, or talk to someone else, I want you to be able to express your feelings to someone at least, cutting isn't the way, we both know that." He stroked my hair and I nodded "I know." I agreed "I don't know how to express my feelings to you." I admitted, his head turned to the side in confusion "why?" he asked.

I was silent for a moment.

"I think you scare me."

Niko and I were quiet. "Like, you always yell at me, you threaten to hit me." I expanded; Niko sighed. "I'm sorry, Aj. I was drunk and-" he gave up halfway through his sentence "I can't explain why I did that. I'm really sorry." He said, his voice cracking. "I already threw out the alcohol, I'll be nicer, I swear." He sniffled. "It's fine, Niko." I said, his hand ran through my hair softly "can I go to sleep?" I asked, "the beds at the hospital were horrible." I admitted, Niko chuckled quietly "of course" he smiled, I laid down, my wrists spiking with pain for no real reason. He left my room and I fell asleep.

I went in and out of sleep, my dreams awaking me when they got too scary for me to deal with.

I would walk into my room, and I would see myself, bled out and dead on my bedroom floor, the blade stuck in my skin, Niko desperately toying with my limp body as he tried to bring me back to life while the paramedics sped to our house, Niko cried and screamed, his hands shaking as he desperately worked to give me cpr. Niko looked up at me and let out a chilling scream, his tears making it even more unbearable to listen to, and the whole time, I was unable to speak. I sat there in silence watching as he tried to save me from my own hands.

I jolted awake. "Niko!" I mumbled, my voice shaking "Niko!" I raised my voice; I heard his bedroom door open and his footsteps to my room. My door opened and he looked at me with half open eyes "hey, what's wrong?" he asked, taking a seat on my bed, noticing how shaken up I looked. "Hey, hey, hey!" he panicked as I started crying. I leaned forward and wrapped Niko in a hug. "I'm sorry" I sniffled, in his arms. "It's fine, what's gotten you all worked up, I thought you were asleep?" He asked, running his hand up and down my back soothingly "I had a dream." I mumbled, letting go of Niko and sitting against my headboard "do you want to talk about it?" he asked, I nodded, and Niko smiled comfortingly. "I cut my wrists open, and I bled out, you tried to give me cpr, but my body was just limp and fumbling around. You were screaming and crying, and I couldn't even comfort you, I couldn't speak." I said with a shaky voice. "I know it sounds childish, but you were really hurt, you couldn't help me. My body was just limp, I was dead, and you were basically playing with my body, and I just wanted you to stop, you were only upsetting yourself more." I sniffled, trying my hardest not to think of his screaming and the way his face looked, the way my face looked. "It's not childish, Aj. Everyone has nightmares, especially when something like this has happened." He comforted me "it's traumatic, Aje." he frowned, speaking from his own experience. "Try to get back to sleep, just yell out if you need me." he smiled, patting my shoulder and getting up.

I reached for his hand and grabbed hold of it. He stopped walking and turned back to me "can you stay?" I asked, "I really don't want to be alone." I begged, Niko nodded "I'll stay, it's fine." he smiled, he slid in beside me, my arms wrapped around him, holding him close. His hands ran through my hair softly, I fell asleep, clenching his shirt in my fists. 

CHARLIE:

how do we think this shit is ending!!!!!!

anyway heres an update LMAO

LOVE YOUS