A Thick Girl's Love

Chapter *66*

Freshman Year

"You want to talk about me, but let's talk about all these other bitches I keep seeing in your phone!"

This was my first boyfriend, or whatever Maurice could be considered. At the time, I felt so grown. I had to feel super mature being a freshman that was involved with a senior.

"Man here you go with this cheating shit again. How many times I got to tell your ass that I don't be fucking with people like that?" He continued to scroll on his phone. I watched him roll his eyes, thumb never stopping its scroll down Facebook.

Did he think I was stupid? We don't follow each other on social media but that doesn't mean I can't find his dumbass through a name search. Since he was an athlete and wanted to get recruited for college, he leaves his real name in every bio. That's how I went through a rabbit hole on searching his followers and the same few girls would heart eyes emojis under his posts. Men don't like comments often, but he made damn sure to leave the same girl a cute little heart on her comment.

"I swear to god Maurice you frustrate the fuck out of me. You want to be out in the streets swimming in all this damn female attention. Yet at the same time, in the same days, you want to wake me up every night with random facetime calls and asking me to sneak out of my parents' house to park with you." Did his affection mean nothing? My friends tell me how the guys that they are involved with buy them stuff or always want to talk to them. They go on dates and are close. I think that Maurice and I are close enough. We talk a lot, it's usually not anything important but doesn't it count. 

I just don't understand what I'm doing wrong. I'm here when he calls, I spend time with him, let him know how much he means to me. I even let him touch me. In ways that I have neve let anther person touch m body. So, what am I missing?

My dad told me that anything I want can be accomplished through hard work. I feel like I'm working pretty damn hard for this, so why hasn't he asked me to be his girlfriend. He can tell how hard I'm working for him. I'm not the prettiest girl in school and I'm not as popular as him. I know he can get with better people. I just have to continue showing him how much I'm here for him. I can get him to love me. Soon he'll see that I'm the girl that really has his back.

"I don't understand the problem. If I was you, I wouldn't worry about any bitch n my comments when I'm laying right here with you right now. Yeah other girls show me attention, but you're the one I can really talk to. " Maurice comes over and hugs me. I breathed in his smell, just bar soap. He kept it simple which I liked.

Fingers rubbing my spine in soothing circles, my body melted into his chest. "There are plenty of girls I could go see, I don't because I'd rather be here. With you."

He knows just what to say to get himself out of trouble. I needed to hear him choose me. I am above everyone else because he always comes back to me. It wasn't ideal, but it was more than I had ever gotten.

I looked up at his dark skin shiny under the tv lights of his bedroom. He tried to avoid my eye contact, but I made him look. I wanted him to see how much it hurt. That's why I didn't bother looking away when my eyes started to water. If eyes are the mirrors to the soul that should mean that he could see how he had crushed mine.

All the things I couldn't say. Here, in his arms, just inches away from his ears my mouth couldn't say anything. I couldn't express to him how bad it hurts me to not be the one he really wants. I didn't feel appreciated for being there for him when he needed me, even when he doesn't show up for me. I wanted to say how much I loved him and didn't want as much from him like everyone else did. I loved him for him. I loved our talks and random getaways. We felt like the best of friends on our good days.

Why couldn't those feelings last forever?

We kissed.

I wasn't a big fan of kissing. I thought it was awkward and confusing in our case. Friends who kiss. I could do without it, but he liked it so we did it.

The moment our lips lost contact his phone lit up the dark room. A cold rush of air made the hair on my arms stand up. I had no choice but to swallow the new lump in my throat watching him immediately text whoever she was.

I sighed at him. "Why do you do this to me?"

Maurice looked at me confused and offended. "What do you mean? What do I do to you?"

He knows what I mean, he has to understand how this looks. We haven't even finished making up and he's already texting other bitches back. They get instant replies while I wait by the phone. The only times we have a flowing conversation is when we talk about him. I'm expected to give so much. Has he gotten too comfortable taking from me? 

It hurts so much that he can't see what affect this has on me. I'm supposed to be focusing on having fun and enjoying my first year of high school. Other people in my grades are going to games, trying new hobbies, and new experiences. Here I am filling my time running behind a boy four years older than me. I'm only fourteen, but I feel like I'm more grown than an eighteen year old. 

"You aren't treating me kindly. I reach out to you to talk or spend time with you. I don't get fast replies like that. You don't think I notice how you treat me different than everyone else in your life, but I do. You don't like seeing me pay any other nigga attention like I do you. What makes you think I wanna see that shit. Why can't you consider my feelings too?" My voice breaks and squeaks out to him. 

I've never been hurt more by anyone. His next words crushed me, dug a hole, and buried me alive. My chest felt like it was caving in around my heart.

"I didn't know I had to."

what the fuck does that even mean

"I mean we not together . I didn't know I was supposed to consider your feelings. I really don't be around girls like that, like friends and shit. I guess with other niggas I don't think about them like that. Shit I know we be doing whatever and I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like that was my intention. You're one of my closest friends  and you are always there for me. I can fix it. Give me some time and I'll make it up to you Shunt'A. That's my bad."

My bad wasn't an apology. It's just acknowledging that you messed up. The real apology is in changed behavior.

"We good?"

Thousands of bad words wanted to come out but there was no point. He wouldn't change. This would only end when I get hurt.

"Yea we're good."

****

The next morning, I woke up with a headache. When I first opened my eyes it was like I had been hit by a truck. My temples throbbed, my body was sore, and my eyes were dry like I had been crying in my sleep. Tyrie was still sleeping next to me so I crept out of our bed. 

I made some peppermint tea to ease my sore throat. I must have been crying in my sleep. The calm vibe of my personal bedroom helped ease my struck nerves. Why was I even dreaming about something from damn near five years ago? My stomach was turned and upset. This wasn't the first time I relived dreams in my sleep about hurtful past experiences. The burning sensation of pain and pounding headaches from frustration. Standing in Maurice's room that night was one of the lowest points of my life. It hurts to admit that one of the most vivid memories I would keep throughout my life was one of the most painful. 

For now, I wouldn't worry Ty over a little memory turned nightmare. There was so much he didn't know about that time of my life. I wasn't ready to be that vulnerable yet.

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