Star Wars One-Shots

What I Thought And What I Said

Author's Note: This fic is for Ghost_Rin on ao3.

~ Tirana Sorki

All Ahsoka's done since becoming a padawan is fight and destroy, everything she was trained not to do as a Jedi. She isn't happy with her role in her lineage, but not all the younger Jedi share the same view about the war, or her place in it.

Ahsoka is so, so tired of seeing her friends die. Of seeing people die, period.

Droid count numbers are amusing to compete at, and a good distraction. She knows that's why Anakin came up with them – it was to keep her mind off the battle and the enormity of what falls around her. But the end of every day is the same – with Ahsoka standing, usually uninjured or only mildly so, under a battlefield of dead and wounded and destruction.

The Jedi are supposed to be peacekeepers.

She should be finding a way to stop all of this, not to be fighting and adding more and more to the chaos and destruction her life has been shaped by.

Ahsoka does not want to fight. Yeah, fighting might be fun, but this isn't the type of missions she trained for. She thought she'd be able to help people, and maybe she is, but usually, it never feels like it.

She wishes there was someone she knew well enough to ask outright, "Are we really making this better?", because she desperately needs to hear the answer. Anakin would say yes. He would tell her the same things he has already a thousand times over, and that's not what Ahsoka wants to hear right now. She doesn't know what is, just... not that.

She understands that the situation in the galaxy demands they be warriors to try to restore peace instead of keeping it now, but that doesn't change that she doesn't like what comes with it. It doesn't change that it never ends and she's so tired of it.

"Hey," a voice that Ahsoka could swear she's heard before, though she can't place where, catches her attention. "Padawan Tano?"

He's a young padawan. His hair's brown, and Ahsoka vaguely remembers seeing him a few times before from her training. "Yes?"

"I was at your test earlier," he says, practically bouncing up at down. He's radiating excitement, and Ahsoka has no idea how or why. "I don't know if you saw me."

"Oh." She remembers him now, actually. She'd been distracted by Anakin, but yes. It's often hard to see anyone else when Anakin is in the room – his presence overshadows everything else, like a lone light against a dark sky. "I remember now."

"It was amazing!" he blurts out.

What is she supposed to say to that?

"I heard about what you did on Ryloth," the padawan continues.

Ahsoka's mind zones out for a millisecond at the name. The – she remembers Ryloth. She hated that battle. It – it was one of the worst ones she's ever fought in. They lost so many, and the grief is still overwhelming and gutting. She lost her entire squadron, and that was just the beginning of a long string of mistakes. For every mistake she made, people died. She doesn't want to think about that battle ever again, but it still haunts her dreams constantly.

"The... victory on Ryloth was because of my master," Ahsoka has to say because she can't let anyone think she somehow did something properly there. It was all a string of missteps and oversights, one after another. Repeatedly.

"Well," the padawan says, "Maybe." Great. He probably doesn't even believe her. He just thinks she's being... humble or something. Ugh. She is not. She very much can take credit for those things which are her own doing, thanks.

"I hope someday, I can be just like you," he adds, staring up at her with awe, like there's somehow something special about her.

Ahsoka sighs. "Hopefully, the war will long be over when you reach my age. We shouldn't have to fight in a war."

"But you're good at it!" he argues, "I've seen how you fight. We all have. You're a legend."

Ugh. She is not. The Jedi aren't supposed to be soldiers. They aren't supposed to have to fight, but Ahsoka has because all there is to her life is war. That's not something a Jedi should be proud of, much less strive for. That's not something she ever wanted to become. All she does is destroy and fail to protect those who are depending on her. Ahsoka is nothing to look up to.

Anakin doesn't think of her the same way she does, either, though. She's seen that so many times. He's teaching her to be a warrior, and he's proud of her and what she does, even if Ahsoka herself isn't and never could.

"Hm," Ahsoka says, "Maybe." There's an awkward moment of pause. "What's your name, little one?" she asks because names are important. They are to Anakin and to the clones, and she's learned that much well.

"Caleb," he answers immediately, "Caleb Dume."

"Well, it's nice talking to you, but I... have a briefing soon," Ahsoka says. It's not that soon, actually, but in her current brooding mood, she doesn't want to hang out and just chat with anybody. Especially not when it's someone looking up to her for all the things she dislikes about what she's become most. She needs some time to get her head to focus before the briefing. Ryloth might've been won, but there's still a lot left to do. It's not as if there's any end in sight to the war.

She doesn't want to spend the rest of her padawan years like this, doing nothing but being a warrior. But she's already been a padawan for over a year and she doesn't see the state of the galaxy changing any time soon. She doesn't even know what it means to be a Jedi in a time of peace when they're keeping the peace.

Is this all she's going to have to teach her own padawan one day? How to fight?

Caleb looks disappointed but thankfully doesn't linger or follow when she excuses herself and not-quite runs. Not a legend. She's not anything, except the one thing that Jedi are never supposed to be. It's so hard to live up to the expectations of being a padawan, and a commander, and – and most of all, Anakin's padawan.

The Jedi have high expectations for him, and to a point, that extends to her, too.

Everyone likes her, and respects her because she's a warrior. That's not something Ahsoka ever wanted to be. She hates what she is, and her role in the Order and the galaxy and everything. All of it. Anakin has always said it's what she's meant to be, that she has to get used to it, but... she never really believed him.

But, well, Ahsoka's beginning to think her role in the galaxy is very different than what she wanted, and maybe what's most important is that there are still people who believe in her – even if it's for all the things she's proud of the least.

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