Everything & More (Book 1 in the E.C.N Series)

Chapter 71- Martha

"Martha...Martha....Martha?" I heard the doctor say my name snapping me from my thoughts. "Did you hear what I said?"

"No. I'm sorry." I adjusted myself on the couch, realizing I had just zoned out again.

"That's okay." Dr. Salner said sincerely. "I said I was surprised you came back and alone again. Is there a particular reason?"

Why did I come back? At this point I wasn't entirely sure. Advice? Guidance? Reassurance that I was doing the right thing? "Well I'm done with couple's therapy as you know.... I just needed some advice I guess..is that alright?"

"Yes, of course. What seems to be troubling you?"

I rolled my bottom lip between my teeth not sure where to begin, "Now that Jonathan and I are actually getting a divorce....um...it seems there's going to be a custody battle. Something I wasn't even considering but I'm afraid it might get ugly."

"I'm sure you are worried how this is going to effect Paige."

I lifted my head meeting his eyes, "Y-yes. I'm terrified that I won't be able to shield her from this."

"Martha from what I have heard from you and even from Jonathan. You are a wonderful mother." He tried to be reassuring.

"Then why doesn't it feel like I am. I mean would it all have just been easier if I forgave him. Moved on and tried for us to be one big happy family?"

Dr. Salner tilts his head slightly, "Would you have been happy?"

"It doesn't matter," I say shaking my head, "because then at least Paige wouldn't be at risk."

"It's a very common thing for mothers to do." I stare at him waiting for him to clarify, "Self-sacrifice."

Was that what I was doing, sacrificing myself? I mean if it was, shouldn't I be doing that. For the betterment of my child. "Martha, at some point the most you can do is be there for your daughter especially when she needs you the most. We parents like to pride ourselves when it comes to protecting our children but at the end of the day, we have to come to the realization that we can't protect them from everything. If anything that would be a disservice to them."

"How?"

"Because that's not the way the world works. Sure you can protect them from the worse of the worse. You have even done a good job at making sure you and Jonathan never fight in front of her because yes these are adult decisions being made but it doesn't make the hurt of her father no longer living with her go away. Of her parents no longer being together. The life she knew isn't here anymore. She should still be able to be sad about what's going on because you can't protect her from change. You just need to guide her on how to accept her new normal."

All I wanted for Paige was to maintain a sense of normalcy in her life. Not realizing I was trying to keep her stuck in the past. The past where her father and I were still together. As if nothing had changed; when in reality that wasn't realistic... that wasn't fair. Paige was grieving a loss just like I was. I couldn't pretend like every wasn't different. That our family wasn't different.

I nodded.

The silence that followed was unsettling, Dr. Salner was just staring. Like he was waiting for me to say more. "You still have that look in your eye." He definitely earned his degree, he reads the subtlest of change in his patients. "Guilt."

Hearing that word aloud and toward myself made me feel as though he just outed me. I thought if I didn't say it; if I didn't acknowledge then I wouldn't feel it but I do. I felt it when I went to my lawyer, I felt it when she told me about the custody battle, and I felt it when I confronted Jonathan. The familiar burning behind my eyes was allowing the feeling start to sink in; the reason why I feel like such a shitty person. I took a deep breath, "It's my fault why this custody battle is happening in the first place."