Loverboy ~ Nathan Sykes Fanfic.

loverboy chapter 32. || "I don't wanna hurt you."

So basically all these days I've been realizing that Nathan and I have been making out a lot, and every time it happens, I've noticed that we take it even farther and farther, and I don't know if it's probably the good time for it to happen or not. 

But the more I doubt it, the more I realize that it should: he's been giving me all these fancy presents lately and I mean, we're here in Paris because of him, and he won't let me give him money or anything for it. So honestly, the guilt is right there, spreading, from my chest to the other parts of my body, and I just feel like I need to thank him in some way. 

This is the kind of things that you don't want to be thinking of, because hooking up with someone just because a that person got you a trip is ridiculously bad, and specially stupid, because you should be doing it for love, not for interest. It's not that I consider myself as an attractive person or anything, nor did I think that my first real sexual action was going to be prostitutional, but I wasn't going to leave this matter like that. And of course I wasn't going to live with that guilt in my chess. 

And for God's sake, he's a guy, all (well, not all of them, but most of them, since we've still got some good boys left on Earth) want is that, so what? 

- I was waiting for you... - I whispered. Nathan and I were so close that my lips rushed his when I talked. 

- oh really? - he whispered back before crashing his lips onto mine, making my brain go a hundred miles per hour. 

The kiss got intense and the next thing I knew was that his hands were placed on the back part of my exposed thighs, his gentle touch making me want him more and more. His hands hardened and gave me the support to do what he was planning: I took a little impulse and wrapped both of my legs around his torso. I felt my heartbeat throbbing in my ears, feet and in the tips of my fingers. All I knew is that in that moment all I wanted was him, desperately. With a gentle movement, he placed me on the bathroom's counter where the sink was. I sat down on it, my legs still curling around his body. My hands placed around his neck, surrounding it as he ran fingers his through my hair and stopped at my messy bun. He searched for the elastic band that was holding it together and undid the bun, making my hair fall loosely on my shoulders. 

I moved my hands slowly from his neck to his shoulders, being careful to feel every part of his collarbones. I slid them beneath his leather jacket, feeling his soft cotton t-shirt at every touch. Without my intention - or maybe just a little - the jacket slid off his body and dropped to the floor with a cling from the metal zipper. I felt him smiling within the kiss, which made me shiver. Was this really happening tonight, with him? The thought made me lose my senses as I realized how nervous I was. 

I didn't let the nervousness take over me, instead, my hands found the hem of his shirt and slid beneath it. At first, his hot skin made my hands hurt - probably because of the excessive amount of adrenaline rushing through my body. I extended my hands and let myself touch every part of his torso: from the small of his back to his bare abdomen. Nathan, feeling my extremities all over him, pulled back just a little to regain his breath. 

- my shirt. take it off. - he said between shaky and violent breaths, he was as altered as I was. I didn't allow myself to open my eyes, because if I did, I was probably going to be eaten alive by embarrassment and guilt. 

I followed his orders and pulled up his white t-shirt, revealing his chest to me. He connected our lips together again and this time I felt it was more insisting. He slid his hand underneath my tank top, making my heart beat faster - as if it was even possible. Though I didn't tell him to take it off, he just simply did it. I couldn't resist and I had to open up my eyes. As soon as the shirt dropped to the floor, I felt my body getting colder. Nathan ran his eyes up and down my body, then he stopped on my face. Giving me a naughty look, he licked his lips. I stopped breathing, nervous about this. It was the first time that a boy saw me in my underwear, and let me tell you that I felt as if I was completely naked. My bra was black, so as my button part, so it felt almost like a swimsuit instead of underwear, but still, it was really scary. He placed his hands on my collarbones, warming my skin with his touch. Close to my lips, he whispered: - damn babe. - he bit his lips, and I breathed again. At least he didn't say anything bad. 

He attached our lips again and he wasn't afraid to explore all my bare body with his hands. He finally put his hand on my back, and that's how I knew that he wanted us to go somewhere else than the bathroom. He gave me the support I needed to get down of the counter, so I obeyed. As my feet touched the grown, I felt him directing me towards the exit of the bath, leaning me towards every wall he found to plant kisses on my neck, leaving me almost breathless. I swear that when I opened my eyes again I could see stars and color dots dancing around my sight, and I wasn't sure if I was going to faint or if this was one of his effects on me. As his lips trailed down my neck to my collarbones, I felt the urge to steady myself by grabbing him by his head, running my fingers through his hair. I tried really hard not to moan, because it would be embarrassing, but it wasn't as easy as I thought it'd be. 

He came back to my lips, and I felt his grip fall on the curves of my hips, pushing me gently towards the next room: the bedroom. Though I couldn't see where he was directing us to, since I was facing to the door of the bathroom, my heart skipped a beat when the back part of my leg found the bed. I could swear that it was really cold in the room, and even though I was only wearing my bra and panties, I was sweating like a pig there. He felt me stopping to the edge of the mattress, so he pushed me down gently towards it. I followed his commands and landed on the soft bed. We both crawled to the top of it, our lips not breaking apart from the kiss, not even for a second.

I don't know if I was dreaming because the next thing that happened sent my heart to another world and got it beating so fast I seriously thought it couldn't be real: with a movement I didn't even realize, he took off his pants and threw them to the floor of the bedroom. Guilt started spreading through me. I had to take big deep breaths from my mouth to keep myself calm. I was extremely nervous about this, and I started doubting if whether I wanted this or not. I was way too young for it. But even if I decided that I didn't want it, it was already too late. This has gone too far and I wasn't going to make him stop. A lot of things flashed through my mind at that moment: the times Nathan and I spend in New York and Ibiza together, how he was so perfect for me, and of course the horrible things he used to do to me. A part of me wondered if I was really, in a bed, half-naked with the same monster who tortured me so much. But, no. I knew it wasn't him. I knew he changed. He's been proving that to me. And I love him. I really love him. But, I just wasn't ready. 

And then, he kissed me on the neck. That sent me sky-high in that dark Paris night. That's when I knew that he suspected that I was thinking this again, that I was doubting about it, and he did it because he knows how much of a turn-on it is to me. So, if he did that is because he wanted me to stay. And I couldn't fail him. Not after all he's gone through to me. Not after he brought me here to the city of love. Not after he told me how much he loved me. I wasn't going to tear him apart. 

So I kissed him, I kissed him like I never kissed someone before, to show him how much I love him. I kissed him with passion, with emotion, with insistence. I kissed him like there's no tomorrow, and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him if the world ended right here, right now. And I realized that if I loved him, and he loved me back, then it was the right thing to do. All of this. It was the correct thing if he treated me right, if he respected me. So I searched for his hand and without giving space to the doubt, I guided it to the clasp hook, indicating him to unclasp it.

He continued with the kiss, but I didn't feel his fingers moving. Was he nervous as well? Or was he troubling around? But then, he answered all my questions: he backed away and dropped next to me on the bed. His breaths were really agitated and his chest went up and down in a harsh way. For a minute, we just lied there, staring at the white ceiling. Maybe he had to regain his breath, I thought to myself. - Ashley.... - he managed to say between his unsteady respiration. I turned my face to him and felt how my cheeks turned red, maybe I was doing something wrong, how could I know anyways? I haven't gone through this before. I said nothing, which made him continue. - you are.... - he hesitated, trying to find the proper words - you are damn hot and fit and you're the most beautiful girl I've ever laid my eyes on and you know that you're perfect for me and that I love you, but... - 

- oh no, there's a but... - I said, not letting the nervousness consume me. I bit my lips. 

He sighed. - but I don't wanna hurt you, I don't want to expose you, I want to respect you. It's not that I don't wanna do this with you, it's just that.... I just want to protect you. - 

- but you're not hurting me... - I commented. 

- trust me... I-I know what I'm talking about... I love you so much, and that's why I want you to wait for the right guy. Not me. And if it's me, trust me, I'd be really happy - he paused to smile and to snort. - but right now, I don't wanna hurt you.... -