Dear Bailey

Part 18

Bailey

I watched as credits rolled up the screen of my laptop. I can't believe I'd never seen Full Metal Jacket before, and I was sure I wouldn't be able to watch it again any time soon without feeling depressed when it was over. I rubbed at the bridge of my nose where my glasses had been resting and then set aside the computer so that I could make my way downstairs.

My sister's had been in bed for a few hours now. They loved the movie I'd bought them with Lucas' gift card and I couldn't resist adding his movie recommendation to the cart too. We were going about getting to know each other very differently than I'd ever experienced. It felt like we were a couple dancing around the edge of a dance floor, slowly dipping in to get closer to the center. Where other couples might have talked for hours or spent face-to-face time with each other, I was getting to know him through non-direct information. He loved Full Metal Jacket and watching it helped me understand him a little better. I'm sure his experience in the Marines is very different than the movie portrayed, but something about his experience made him enjoy the show.

I also needed to figure out his middle name. It had been driving me crazy since his last email. When I'd read how things were going for him, I wanted to reach through the screen and wrap my arms around him. I could feel the pain of his grief coming through the dark black print of the letters. He'd lived so much in his short years. It put things into perspective for me. I could really complain about my dad, when having a dad was a privilege Lucas didn't get. Also, I text my mother at least once a day. If I wanted to, I could call her up and get her recipes directly from her mouth. I could even wait until I go home and we could cook it together. I wished I could give Lucas some of what I had.

I microwaved a mug of water and stirred in a packet of hot cocoa mix. The house was dark and quiet, something I really started appreciating after a few days with my sisters. I heard footsteps falling close behind me and turned to see my dad standing at the fridge. "Hey Bailey. Are you enjoying your stay?" He reached for the cream and set it on the counter beside me.

"Yep. The girls are getting so big." I smiled around my mug and took a sip, my tongue stinging with the hot liquid. My dad just pointed to the cold cream as if to show me he predicted that little mistake. I poured some into the hot cocoa and slid it back to him, leaning over and resting my elbow on the counter.

"You grew like that too. I remember leaving on a business trip for a few weeks and coming home to a little girl instead of a baby." We fell silent as his honesty sad between us. He was always gone. "I, um, I feel like I might have done that a lot." He shut the fridge door after retrieving a small green basket of strawberries.

"You did." I reached for a strawberry and rolled it between my fingers.

"I know. I have regrets. I was too young when I had you and I had to work so hard to make ends meet. I was at work more than I was ever at home." I felt my heart clench in my chest and I swallowed down the small lump I felt forming in my throat. "I don't expect you to understand this yet, but I just couldn't connect. Your mom changed too." I bristled with his words, instantly feeling like I'd need to defend my mother. He sees it and shakes his head.

"No, not in a bad way. I just mean that we both grew up. When we grew up on our own, we grew apart from each other. I think maybe one day you'll understand that. Maybe you'll understand how quickly time gets away from you. How hard it is to answer to a little girl who just wants you home when being there feels like your drowning." He turned around and leaned against the counter beside me.

"I was just a kid." I answer, taking a bite of the strawberry.

"So was I. And you still are a kid, but in a few months you'll be seen as an adult in the eye of the law. You won't have to come see me anymore. I realized that a few months ago. I don't have anything I can do to make you come, but I hope you will still choose to on your own. If not for me, for the girls. They love you. I love you." He grabbed a strawberry and ate it. I noticed that we both ate it the same way. I looked at him—really looked at him, like I hadn't in a long time. I saw the wrinkles by his eyes and the way the color was the exact same shade as my own.

"I'll think about it." I wouldn't promise him because I hated broken promises and I had no idea where I would be in a year. He nodded his head and took a deep breath. He pushed off the counter and grabbed the strawberries, putting them back in the fridge.

"I'm taking you camping this weekend. Just you and me. If this is the last summer I can force you to be here, I'm going to make it count."

I laughed and nodded my head. "Pick a place that has showers and I won't even complain as much as I'm going to want to."

"Deal." He walked out of the kitchen and I felt like that might have been the deepest conversation I'd had with him ever. Maybe if we'd had that talk before Lucas' last email I would have told him I'm never coming back. I might have even shared with him just how badly he hurt me when I left. Instead, I saw it as an opportunity to try and fix what was broken because would give up everything to have the chance that we throw away.