Dear Bailey

Part 51

Lucas

Derek was really struggling. His girlfriend broke up with him right before he left for college and he just couldn't seem to pull himself together. He'd gone to his classes and was trying hard, but I think losing her on top of all the other loss he had in his life was really pushing him to his limit. It felt helpless to be so far away.

The weeks were crawling by at such a slow pace it felt like it was never going to be time to go see Bailey. I thought about her constantly. She was the first thing on my mind when I woke in the morning and that was probably because I thought about her all night. She was so important to me that I couldn't seem to get through my day without my thoughts drifting to her and what she might be doing. I had to see her. I had to hold her again and maybe that would giving me the feeling of security I needed.

Once October finished, the talk around the shop about us deploying began to ramp up. I knew it. I knew it in my heart that something else would get in the way of us being together. I wasn't going to let it. If they made the announcement that we were going to Afghanistan, I was making sure I got to see Bailey before I left. I needed to know that I kissed her goodbye in order to have my head in the game over there. I hated goodbyes and God knew I had said enough of them in my short life. If I was going to say goodbye to her and maybe not come back, it was going to be one hell of a goodbye.

I hadn't mentioned it to her yet. It was the only thing I was keeping from her. I knew she wouldn't be able to handle not knowing when it was going to happen. I worried that she would leave school to come see me. I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if she threw away a whole semester on a maybe. Maybe I was going. Maybe I'd be back. I just couldn't let her do it.

It was hard to not share it with her. I was so worried about my brother and what might happen if he lost me too. When the Gunny Sergeant started talking more often about the chances of us deploying before the end of the year, the nightmares had started. Every few days I dreamt that I'd been killed in action and the car was driving to my brother's dorm to give him the news. He was my next of kin, and it didn't matter that I would be the last remaining member of our immediate family to be pulled from his world. They would have to go and tell him. I wasn't sure he could handle that.

Then it happened. The first week of November we were told that we'd be deploying December 12th. Pines had shook his head and looked over at me while we got the rest of the information. That night, I sat down and updated my will. Can you imagine having to do that at 20 years old? Well, I'd done it for the first time at 18 when I entered the Corps. It sucked. It fucking sucked so bad.

I realized something while I updated the information to turn in so that the Corps would have the addresses and phone numbers of how to notify my next of kin if I was injured or killed in action. Bailey wouldn't know. She wouldn't know until Derek told her. My stomach wrenched with that thought. My poor fucking bother who would have to hear about my condition—God willing it was just a condition—would have to tell Bailey. Could he do it? I was always the strong one. I was the one that broke the news to him. Could he handle hearing about it? Would he remember to tell Bailey or would she only know when the emails stopped coming. I was going to be sick.

I talked to Pines about it and he assured me he would make sure she knew. He also had the idea that maybe I could write her into my will just in case Derek didn't tell her. There was a chance he wouldn't be able to make that call. If I wrote her into my will, maybe they would call her to figure out how to get the money to her or to tell her it was coming. I threw up. I'm not proud to admit it, but I fucking threw up. I was leaving the two most important people in my life and I had no idea how they would handle it if I didn't come back.

I didn't sleep longer than an hour here and there for an entire week. I tossed and turned. I had that stupid fucking nightmare on repeat every time I closed my eyes. While we packed up the shop and got our shit in order, I went over every option I had. I talked it out with the other men and tried to figure out how I could set it up so that if I died, my death would cause the least amount of grief and trauma to the two most important people I knew.

It came to me one night in a dream. Yes, a dream. The first little piece of rest I'd had in weeks. I'd dreamt of Bailey of course. I held her to me and kissed her. Everything felt so real. I saw how amazing she was, how strong and capable she could be. I saw the love for me in her eyes, just like I'd seen it the night I'd met her at in the airport. She loved me. She knew how important my brother was to me. If she felt half as in love with me as I did with her, she'd do anything for me. And I knew exactly what that thing would be.