Dear Bailey

Part 79

Bailey

I tried to pretend I wasn't freaking out. I smiled and went on with my life so that my mom or my roommates didn't worry, but by the end of the day it was all I could do to curl up into a ball in my bed and cry myself to sleep. December was torture with the holidays and Lucas' schedule making it hard for him to keep in contact. I was happy to rip the month off the calendar and put it behind us.

Mid January classes started up again and I found myself daydreaming and giving my schoolwork minimal effort. I had no idea why everything felt so much harder to accomplish than before. Lucas' emails helped. Knowing he was ok gave me a few hours of peace. I hated when he would have to leave base, but he eventually bought the prepaid cellphone and we made sure to talk before he left and first thing when he came back.

Derek also kept in touch with me. Often we would forward the emails we got from Lucas to each other so that we could have all the information. Nights when I felt really lonely, I reread the emails he had sent over the last year. I also discovered something the night I came home from visiting him. In my bag tucked down in the bottom was a small box. He'd sent his grandparents' love letters home with me along with a note that said, "In case you ever doubt that love can conquer time and distance. I love you Bailey."

It wasn't until the end of March that I was finally back into the swing of my life. I worried about him constantly, but the fear was not debilitating like it was those first few months. He'd been off base many times and came back to tell me about. I built up a sense of security in the numbers. It looked like the odds were stacking in his favor.

Then his emails took a turn that made my heart crack open and spill sadness into my veins. They weren't light and silly anymore. The joking was replaced with a seriousness so thick it was hard to navigate through. He urged me to understand how much he loved me and how important it was to him that I was waiting for his return. Sometimes after a long trip away, his emails simply read, "I'm back safe. I love you baby."

Derek was getting the same feeling I was that maybe things were getting tough for him. In the entire month of April, Derek only received two emails. I sent him all of mine, but I knew that something was happening with Lucas and it killed me that I could do nothing to help. Our phone calls were short and I knew he was holding back on telling me about things because he didn't trust that I could handle it. That sad thing was, I didn't fight it because I knew he was right.

On the first of May, I received an email that shook any sense of security I had built in his absence.