I was lying on the roof, tears streaming down my temples in hot rivers. The indigo sky looked back at me, I swore I could pick out the sadness in its glittery face, too.
I had spent the whole day in my room after I told my brothers about Will. I didn't go into detail, just said as much as I needed to get the point across. They didn't push. I didn't offer unneeded information. The last thing I wanted to do was relive it. The burn as Will connected with my skin, the empty, desperate feeling of being completely done, the thought of never seeing the night sky again...
Then when I had first herd Joshs voice over the phone, his face as he drove towards me in his car, the worry in his tone as I told him what happened, the calm fury it then morphed into, then the soothing tenderness of his lips on mine and how his rough, cool hands soothed my aching bruises. I wanted to be with him now. To cry into his shoulder and feel our silent unspoken conversation. I wanted to do everything with him.
And in that moment, I realized that just when I though I was about to disappear from this earth forever, the last thing I though of was Josh. Now that dosent mean nothing does it? No. I'm sure it means something. Could it mean that he is the most important thing in my life? The thing I love the most? The one person who makes me the most happy? Or is it a deeper meaning? That in the end he will be the one to be there for me? Or maybe we will get married...no, shut up.
How will dreaming about these things make your life any better? Planting a seed in your heart and mind that will surely never grow. Maybe at times small bits of light will reach it and give that seeds promise of life hope, but all in all its stupid. Josh is just my teenage fling. Something I will be obsessed with over the summer, give my heart and soul to, then when I go to college, he will tell me, "I think a long distance realtionship will be too hard for you with college and all. Im only looking out for you! Trust me I still want this! But, I want what's best for you, and you can do better than me. Its not you, it's me." And that will be the day I shoot my self in the face. Just like Will, Josh probably only wants one thing. It kills me to think that, but in reality, its the truth. He will feed me lies, use me, and throw me away like a damn banana peel.
He is a grown ass man! 29! He should be looking for a wife, and both he and I know I am not up for that job just yet, so then what am I to him? Well...I'm there. That's what. I'm just there. At his disposal.
By now my face was covered in salty tears, I had a never ending supply. My whole body shook with tremors as the sobs climbed up my throat. I clutched at the scratchy roof shingles, pushing my palms into the rocky materiel. I didn't care that I was rubbing my cuts into it, I welcomed the pain. I deserved it. I wanted it.
I remembered Josh and me kissing in his room and for the first time, instead of smiling at the though, I cringed. I was just feeding into the one thing I pushed Will away for. I'm giving him the hope of sex. Which is probably-....definitely is the only reason he wanted me. A beautiful rocker guy like him? That's what he does. He charms and uses girls. Its not his fault, its- its natural for him. I bet he is getting bored with me considering its taking me so long to put out. Perhaps Josh though he would come and pick up the sad girl, make her feel better and then bam! MAGIC. I was stupid for ever imagining that he actually liked me. I'm stupid, ugly, poor, and have no talents. Nobody wants me. I dont even want me. I'm useless.
I blew out a breath, shaky, so so shaky. I hated my self.
Funny how I went from hating Will to hating myself.
Why am I even protecting my virginity? So what? Whats the big deal about having sex? Like Will said, everybody is doing it.
I shook my head. My whole body was at war with its self.
