My eyes flew to the first line of words and my heart was thump thump thumping. My eyes were screaming, searching, needing the words they were about to read. I had to know that there was a way out. Out of the godforsaken house and out of Sams life. RISD was my only chance and without it...well there would be no hope. No hope for my future as an artist or anything for that matter, but most of all there would be no hope for Josh and I. I didn't even know if there was any hope left at this point. With every millimetre that my vision crept towards the answer to my future, I felt sicker and sicker, for what reason I'm not sure. Maybe it was the fact that if the letter said "nope sorry" I would be absolutely and utterly screwed. I had nothing else to do. There would be no maybe next year or well it's their loss...there would only be me and the fact that when summer was zipping up its seam notch by notch I would be in the same place I was every other year. Alone and wishing life would grant me a do over.
Funny are those times when you know something is very wrong. Almost like a sky with a moon but no bright companions hanging by its side. Just a black abyss that you know will suck your life in and string it out untill you can no more recognize what it is.
These thoughts all came at me in the few seconds before I read the first words. Millions of images and ideas, things that clouded my vision with tears and doused my heart in gasoline and lit it up.
I didn't get it.
I blinked. I read over it again. Then a third time and over and over as if the words on the paper would eventually change.
I turned and closed my door just as I saw Josh and Sam turn the corner. That is the last time I will ever see them I thought. The last thing I would say to my brother was full of malice, for I didn't care about him any longer, or at least that's what I told myself. I was so livid. He didn't care if I was happy...he just didn't care. My relationship was just a casualtie in Sams plan of a perfect life. One that he hoped would make mom and dad proud. But the truth was my parents wouldn't have cared if we were rich or poor, perfect or weird, so long as we were happy. Sam had ruined all chances of that. To be quite honest I didn't care if Josh had been with a lot of other girls, the only thing that mattered to me was that he made me happy and vise verse. But now...well now it didn't matter. We were over.
And in that moment, when I realized that we would never, not in a million years be able to last, I just didn't want to move. I didn't want to cry or scream or slap someone...I was just done. I never thought I would be one of those girls who was dependent of a man (and I still sure as hell wasn't), but I could that I had changed. The thought of not seeing him any longer petrified me. He had been there for me...something I couldn't say about a lot of people. But I had to give him up. It would only get harder with time.
I stood there in my dark room, my ears buzzing as a faint moon light began to filter through my window. I wasn't breathing anymore. I needed to leave. If I didn't I would end up ruining every ones life.
Then my hands were rifling through my drawers grabbing a few items of clothing,my cell phone, and a book. I stuffed them in my backpack, shoved on a hoodie, and slipped on a pair or worn red converse. As I pulled open my window I finally heard Josh and Sam talking to me through he door. The blue haired douche was saying how we just needed to talk, work things out and that he loved me...More than I could ever know. Sam was just saying please Pen over and over again. I had built a dam in my heart and these boys were earthquakes threatening to crack it open.
I jumped. The ground shocked my bones. I steadied my self on the side of the house and ran.
I was lying on the grass in an ink covered park. My eyes were glued to the sky, I ignored the stars and focused on the plain moon. It floated lonely in the abyss. It was so warm out, but there was a constant strong breeze coming from the lake. It shone like an infinity of mirrors. The new adult, hearty, green okay leaves applauded above my head, mocking me. Like I was a ancient Greek tragedy and they were the struck audience, admiring my performance. My head was preached on my backpack, my bare legs and arms pressed to the grass. I didn't know where I was going. I could have gone to Alexis...But I didn't want to. I wanted to go and live in the Amish lands of Ohio. I would churn butter and tend to the chickens and marry a nice bearded man.
