Mr. Misty-Eyed | Josh Dun

reality | five

"You'll see purpose start to surface,
no one else is dealing with your demons,
meaning maybe defeating them, could be the beginning of your meaning, friend."

. . . . .

My body shifted over and then over again until I was lying on my stomach with my face pressed into my pillow. I wasn't fully awake quite yet, but as my brain started to turn on I realized how much of a headache I had. An unintentional groan escaped me as I pushed my face further into the pillow. My dream from the night before fluttered through my brain and instantly I winced in pain. It was a ghostly feeling as I reached up and ran my fingers over the back of my head.

"Ah!" My hand moved away from the tender spot on the nape of my neck, cringing from the shooting pain that ran through me.

I sat up quickly, my mind on overdrive as I vividly remembered how hard the back of my head had hit the ice in my dream. But that couldn't be why. That wouldn't be possible. It was only a dream. I hesitated before once again running my fingers over the tender skin, putting slight pressure on it.

I rushed from my bed to the bathroom across the hall and leaned my weight on my hands as they rested against the counter top. I stared at myself through the mirror, trying to calm the nerves that had so quickly built inside me.

"It wasn't real," I spoke out loud. "You're just being paranoid."

My teeth tugged at my lower lip as I continued to stare at my reflection. It was just a dream. I swallowed back my fears, tearing my gaze away from my tried reflection, before I bent down and began rummaging through one of the drawers under the sink. My hands wrapped around the bottle of painkillers and I quickly popped off the cap. Only taking out two tablets, I filled a paper cup with water and downed the medication in hopes it would not only lessen the headache I had, but also relax my tense muscles.

I descended the stairs and turned into the kitchen prepared to make the strongest batch of coffee I could. As I dumped the grounds into the coffee maker I glanced toward the calendar that hung on the side of the refrigerator. It was an odd thing for us to have, but Tyler liked to seem organized so I let him hang the Star Wars calendar up earlier in the year.

My eyes landed on the date and a small smile crossed my lips as I realized there was only one more day until Tyler and Jenna would return from their trip. I had done well for myself. My dreams weren't anything out of the ordinary and my days had been spent productively, so I felt somewhat accomplished. It's all about the tiny day-to-day victories.

I took big gulps of the hot liquid and the pressure on my brain finally started to lift. I checked the time to see that I had surprisingly slept in a lot later than usual. 8:12am. Even though the fact scared me a little that I might actually be becoming more comfortable with my nightmares, I couldn't let that be the reason I lost sleep. If I could get a normal sleep pattern down I wasn't really sure if I cared what I dreamt about. They weren't real after all.

I took my time as I pulled a clean t-shirt on over my head before I stepped into my overworked doc martens. It was that time of the week where Tyler would normally go grocery shopping, but because he wasn't here it had turned into my job. He'd be disappointed if I just left the kitchen cabinets empty because I was too anxious to go out into public.

It's a hard life to live and I wished I wasn't like this, but I really didn't see a way of overcoming my insecurities, so I lived with them... and struggled with them. I hated the idea of people seeing me and assuming that I'm no good because of the way I preferred to dress and dye my hair. Which was why I was so self aware of everything I did or said. I didn't want people to dislike me.