Chapter 57
"We need to talk" I said after Karim fell asleep. He was on Kamal's lap and Kamal was playing with his hair.
"We do" he said, not looking at me. I stood up and took Karim from him to put him in his bed. Kamal made no sound and didn't even give me a glance. My heart started beating faster when I came back, since I really wanted to avoid this conversation.
"Why did you come?" I asked for the second time. He then put his elbows on his knees with his head in his hands. He was silent for a long time and I didn't know what to say so we just kept being silent.
"Its too difficult" he said, while looking up at me.
"I want to be here, with you, but I can't. I can't do that to anyone" he didn't make sense. I didn't get anything he said.
"Kamal, I am not forcing you to stay with me. You know that I never did that. This whole stupid idea of marrying was your idea. We can stop right now and I wouldn't mind. Don't feel forced to be here just because you once promised" I confessed, making my heart ache when I did. It was totally the opposite of what I wanted to say.
"I know that" he said while looking away.
"Then why do you come back every time you say goodbye? Look, if you think of Nourdin, don't mind him. I have been able to block him out and he hasn't done anything for the last few weeks" Lies.
"Its not about him. I mean, it partially is, but- never mind" he said when he couldn't form his thoughts.
"Look, I have a hard time now with my family and things that are going on. I need to end this because it will only hurt people" he said and I frowned.
"What do you mean with people? Is there something I should know?" I asked him. He shook his head immediately.
"No, its not about you" he said, making me wonder more of who he was talking about.
"You know that you can tell me anything, right?" I said while putting my hand on his shoulder. He looked to the other side as if he wanted distance but I couldn't take my hand away.
"If there is anything you would like to let out, you know where to find me. Its the least I could do for every thing you have done to me" I said, while letting go. He then looked at me before he smiled. God, I would miss his smile so much.
"Can we.. Can we just not cut the contact between us?" he asked. I sighed while standing up and folding my arms.
"What do you want?" I asked him. He just raised an eyebrow while looking at me.
"Tell me what you want? Do you want to distance yourself from me by not cutting any contact? Do you wanto to divorce while still coming to my house? What is it that you want Kamal? You cannot just play like this. It doesn't work like that" I said, while starting to become angry. I knew I had to restrain myself but I couldn't. We needed to talk through it all since I wanted to know what he really wanted. He immediately stood up and was in front of me. I looked up, since he was taller than me, to see that he was now angry too.
"What do you want me to say? Sorry, I married you for different reasons than the reasons are now? I need to stay away from you while I don't even freakin' want that? Or should I say that I hate myself for even considering the thought of a divorce, while knowing I have to, since I have no other choice? I know what I want Manar, but I also know that I can't" he yelled at me while walking away. The words he said were echoing through my mind, slowly sinking in. I turned around to stop him.
"You are not running away! We still have a lot to figure out and you just cannot walk out every time you are put in a corner! We are going to talk!" I yelled while blocking the door. He pushed me so my back hit the door and that's when fear started. The pain in my back started to appear and I was waiting for more blows to come. The laugh of Nourdin was going through my veins, making me want to curl somewhere to avoid it. But it never came, nothing came. I slowly opened my eyes to see that it was Kamal. And for the first time, I was scared of him.
"Go" I whispered.
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