I know you want me(H2OVanoss)

Part 35 - Letter

Yep, were slowing heading to the finish line. I'm so happy how you all smashed me by your sweet comments and enthusiasm. Thank you so much! Enjoy ^.^
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(Delirious POV)
I wanted to be alone again. But they all were watching me like a security, even when we returned from Ireland. Every day one or two of my friends came over my place. I didn't have anything against them I just needed few minutes only with myself. I think they assumed I had wanted to hurt myself.

"We're leaving now. You have everything you need?" I rolled my eyes in annoyance and nodded my head, slightly pushing Mini and Tyler out of my house.

"I have. Thanks for caring," I said and closed the door behind them.

With sight I went to the living room and sat on the sofa, finally being alone. I turned on the TV when I heard a door bell.

They forget something here?

I went to answer it and my heart stopped beating when I saw Evan. I faked my smile.

"Hi. What are you doing here?" I asked without any emotions.

"I came here to give you this," he said and from his back he handed me two things.

First was bouquet of roses, the second was letter. I was more then confused, and at the same time kindly flattered.

"What? What are those things? You should give them to Sydney, not to me."

He slowly smiled after my words and stepped back.

"See you soon," he said his goodbye and then walked away, leaving me standing in lot of questions.

I went back and out the roses into a vase.

Why did he bought me a flowers? We're not together, not a couple. I don't have birthday or anything. Why?

I sat down and started to read.

Dearest Jonathan,
I want to apologize. Those roses you got from me mean something. Each and single one of them is for one important memory in our relationship, and with that an apology.
One for our first meeting when I barely paid you any attention, the next is for the times you had to go with me to the nightclubs and escorted me safely home. Third one is apology for crashing over your place whenever I needed and I didn't even thanked you enough for that. I do apologize for the moments I pranked you in video games, or I made fun of you that you can't drive.  There should have been like a millions of them, but the women in flower shop didn't have that much roses. So it's hundred and seven. You can count it by yourself.
For what I don't definitely want to apologize was the first kiss we had. The moment I pulled you into a kiss was the best memory I have, the best decision I made. You were so innocent and I could have tasted your sweetness.
Just now I release I was your first in everything we have done together. I remember that night you said I could have helped you out with your virginity. You don't even know how much it meant for me, how it still does. You trusted me in everything.
But you were right. I took you as a certain point. I had never though that I could havelost you. I was selfish bastard who didn't even asked you what you wanted. But I should have. Cause you're the most important thing in my life and I would kill anybody who would hurt you. Didn't thought it could be me though.
I'm still thinking about the reasons why you chose me over Jason. I know it had to be hard for you even choosing and I can't imagine how you felt. And I'm sorry I didn't even thanked you for that. So thank you! But answer me one day. Why me? Why did you fell in love with me? I'm selfish, arrogant and stupid. So much stupid.
You wanted me to write down ten reasons, remember? And I tried, really. Instead I wrote down some things I love about you. Just to make you feel better. Cause Jonathan, you're the most amazing person on the planet and I want you to know it. I want you to stop crying, cause every tear, which is running on your face, is tearing my heart apart. I want you stop being sad and miserable. Cause your smile and laugh are the most beautiful things. That joy in your eyes is filling me with life.
And you were right. I should have bought you flowers everyday just to remind you, how much I loved you, I should have held your hand, I should have taken you outside. I should have done many things differently. But I didn't.
I wanted to change you to be perfect for Jason, and meanwhile it was you who changed me. I have never felt love in my entire life, true love, I have never cared so much about anybody, I have never cried hours and hours just because the one wasn't with me, I have never looked forward to see one person over and over again. I'm sorry for such a chaotic letter. I just want to make sure that everything from bottom of my heart is finally getting out of me.
You know they say that human being is not perfect but you're perfect for me, Jonathan. You remind me that even I could fell in love and I want for thank you for that.
I love the way you look when you wake up.
I love how you rub your eyes whenever you're tired .
I love how you yawn and how you sneeze.
I love how you frown when you're thinking.
I love the moments when I beat you in a game and you get mad at me.
I love the way you're smiling every time something make you to.
I love your eyes. The way they lit up, the color of them. I get lost every time I looked into them.
I love your scent. You smell so amazing.
I love how you're smart and how you try to have backup plan.
I love your personality.
I love the smell and taste of the food you make.
I love how you twirl your thumbs in nervousness.
I love how you blush.
I love your shyness in so many things.
I love the way you say my name, like a sweet melody.
I love saying your name.
I love watching you as you sleep.
I love going to the bed with you, as well as waking up right next to you.
I love your body.
I love your soft hands.
I love your moans of pleasure.
I love how you care about others, especially me.
And the most important thing is I love you, Jonathan.
You may thing that they're just a plain words from me to hold you for myself. But they aren't. I've never felt love in my life, as you said to me the same thing, but you learned me.
I'm so afraid that something could happen to you, I wonder what you're doing, how are you, and where are you. My heart is not listening to me whenever you're near, or I just hear your voice from distant. I have the weird feeling in the stomach. My hands are shaking, I'm sweating, my knees are weak. I'm dizzy.
You know that if you called I would be running. I would hold you and never let you go. I meant every single word I had said to you in the elevator.
But the worst thing is that I can't be with you now. I can't hold your hand, I can't give you gifts, can't take you out. I can't kiss you, touch you, properly speak with you.
And when I saw you with that man in the nightclub, when I saw you two kissing, I couldn't stand that. I've never stop thinking about you and there were times I wanted to tell you this but you never let me speak.
You still think I care about you only to fuck you. But that's not completely the truth. Yes, I'm not gonna lie. Sex with you was amazing and I enjoyed it. But I couldn't tell what you felt. You were with Jason and I was so afraid of telling you my true feelings. I didn't even knew what love was. And after that night you confessed everything to me, that night I didn't let you in, I knew I fucked up. I fucked you up. You were my sweet innocent Jonathan. My best friend, my partner in crime and I messed you up. I thought that maybe if I ignored you, you were gonna return to Jason and be happy. Cause I thought I can't give you everything you deserved. And I still think it. You deserve the stars in the sky, you deserve to have fulfilled every secret dream you have, you deserve happiness. If I could do something to see your smile again, even dying, I would do it without any hesitation. Because you mean so much to me.
You said to me that I found Sydney that night you pushed me away. That's not completely the truth. I found her, yes. I lied to her about you, yes. But I'm not in relationship with her. I don't date her, I don't kiss her, I just don't. She was crushed after her break up and she was helping me get over you. Trust me one more time Jonathan. I'm not with her, we're just a friends. And I know this sounds like a cliché but it's true.
Truth to be told I haven't kiss anyone after that wedding, I haven't touched anyone, I haven't fucked anyone. Not even with my help.
My mind is completely consumed by you.
I know you said you wanted to be friends again. But there's no such thing. We can't be friends. Not that I don't want it. I just can't be friends again. I'm thinking about you and I would suffer so much to pretend to be ok with our friendship. Cause I want you back so badly.
So here's the deal. The final decision. And it's you who decide.
You want to try it again or say our goodbyes?
I'm giving you the time you need. I don't want to push you, to rush anything. I know I'm putting so much weight on your shoulders but I need to know. I need to move on and forget if you decide the other way.
I love you Jonathan. I always do.
Evan