Nothing's Fine

• 44: Charlotte •

On New Year's Eve, Lorraine and I decided to go to a café located at the mall, and then pick up a few things Linda had asked for to take to a small party we were all going to later. I grabbed my mocha latte from off the counter, and sat down across from Lorraine who was sipping a coffee.

"So, what's new?" Lorraine asked. While I didn't usually communicate my emotions, I always told Lorraine everything that was happening in my life, so I was ready to tell her all she missed while staying at her friend, Andrea's house. I told her about me and Mason starting to date, and the Dallas incident, and everything else right up until my mother. "So, she just showed up?"

"Yeah, in his kitchen like some kind of freak," I explained to her. My eyes flickered over her shoulder. "Well, speak of the devil."

Lorraine looked over her shoulder, and her head snapped back to face me. "Is that her?"

"It is," I glowered. "That's Irene." 

I was so surprised to see my mother standing there that I didn't really know what to do with myself. I wanted to get up and storm out of here, to be as far away from her as possible. But I also wanted to hold my ground, make her be the one to leave. I wanted to march right up to her and tell her to leave me alone and that I was better off without her. But I also didn't really want to talk to her.

"Well, what do we do?" Lorraine asked, distracting me from my thoughts. I bit my lip unsure, but as my eyes flickered over to Irene watching me intensely, the rage inside me built and decided for more. I shot up out of my seat and stormed over to Irene, ignoring the looks a few people gave me.

Irene gave me a small smile as she noticed me coming towards her. She was wearing an oversized black sweater and a ratty pair of jeans. I glowered in response to her smile, and crossed my arms across my chest as I stood in front of her.

"You need to leave," I stated.

"What happened to your arm?" Irene asked – as if it wasn't obvious what a cast is for.

"You need to leave," I repeated slowly.

"Charlotte, darling, is that anyway to speak to your mother?" Irene retorted.

"Mothers don't leave their daughters on their own for years or drop them off at orphanages when the times are tough. Mother's also don't slap their daughters in the face in front of their friends and then stalk them around town," I said bleakly.

"Charlotte, please," she begged quietly. Her voice broke on 'please' and for a moment, I felt guilty. For years, all I wanted was to see her again, but now that she was here, all I wanted was for her to go away. I'd done just fine for myself these past years and would be even better when she stopped popping into my life on a whim.

And yet, this pit at the bottom of my stomach made me open my mouth and ask, "What? What do you want?"

"You." It felt like a punch in the stomach to hear it.

"Stop saying that," I whispered. I knew it was a lie. She needed more money from the government and being a single parent would grant her that.

"I want you back, Charlotte," she said, stepping towards me. I took a step back from her outstretched hand.

I found myself at a loss for words and turning on my heels. Then I did what I did best; I ran. I marched right out of that mall cafe, ignoring Lorraine's calls for me until I met a bench in front of a fountain.

I plopped down on it so hard it would've normally hurt, but I barely felt it.

When Lorraine caught up to me, she stood in front of me. She was slightly out of breath and carrying her jacket in her hand. "Okay, whoa! What just happened?" She asked. Her eyes were wild with confusion and concern.

"Sh-she wants me back. I-I don't – I mean – it just doesn't..." I could barely form a sentence.

"Hey, it's okay, just breathe," Lorraine said sitting down next to me. I took a deep breath to calm myself. "So, she wants you back?"

I nodded, taking another deep breath and then spoke. "I mean, she can't just float in from her blissful, childfree, alcoholic wonderland and expect me to pick up and go back to her! She doesn't even legally have custody over me! Linda does."

"That's right, she does," Lorraine said calmly.

"How is that fair of her to ask me that? She said it was for child support money last time, but now all of a sudden she wants me? After abandoning me. That's her problem. I don't care!" I huffed.

"I'm going to say this, but know that I'm totally on your side, so try not to be mad..." Lorraine prefaced. I took another deep breath and prepared myself for what she was going to say. "Maybe, she said that because she was hurt you rejected her so quickly? You don't have to go back and live with her, but you should think about talking to her again. After all, you wouldn't be this worked up if you didn't care even a little bit."

I swallowed hard at that. While I wasn't so sure I wanted to ever talk to Irene again, Lorraine was right. I did care.

***

Later that night, Linda, Jay, Lorraine and I pulled into the driveway of a chalet we were going to be spending New Years Eve at. I wasn't sure who would be there, but I did know that we were in charge of bringing party hats and noisemakers, which is why Lorraine and I went to the mall. We decided not to tell Linda and Jay about the incident today because it was a night of celebration and we didn't want to worry them – well, correction, I forced Lorraine to keep it a secret.

As we sat in the car later that night, I wondered how Lorraine managed to force me into wearing yet another dress. I liked this one a little better than my Christmas dress, as it was less form fitting – not that I'd admit it to her. I didn't like dressing up but I at least looked sort of nice.

When we arrived I could hear the pumping of music and see party lights flashing from outside the chalet, and suddenly I was not sure if I wanted to be there. My mind already felt too full with seeing my mother.

"You okay?" Lorraine asked me. I took a deep breath and met her eye.

Tonight, I decided, I'd just push everything out of my mind. My mother didn't exist. She hadn't existed since she abandoned me. I could pretend that she hasn't shown her face recently. I didn't have a mother tonight.

"I'm fine!" I grinned. "Let's go party!" I yelled over-enthusiastically, waving my good arm. Linda and Jay laughed at me and Lorraine rolled her eyes. I stuck out my tongue at everyone and we headed towards the door.

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Author's Note: Happy New Year! Hope that everyone's 2024 is an amazing year!

Hope you enjoy this chapter and hopefully there'll be another one to come soon!