Nothing's Fine

• 39: Wrong •

I lied in bed that night trying to control the feeling of dread that was threatening to consume me. Thinking back to Mason's statement I knew I could have handled it better.

"I feel like I did something wrong," he told me. I watched as his green eyes clouded with fear and guilt. I heard the sincerity in his voice.

"It's not you. It's me," was all I could say.

A stupid cliche that didn't bring him any real comfort.

And then I walked away.

I left him sitting there with uncertainty and guilt and that was the worst thing I could do. I knew it was awful not to do better to fix it, but it was the easiest way I could think of to not hurt him and myself more than I was. I just knew I didn't have the strength to be away from him and if I sat there longer I'd have caved.

***

"Charlie? Where are you going?" Emery called the next day at school. It was after our class together. My back was to her and I was already halfway down the hallway. I suddenly felt her hand on my back as she spun me around.

"What?" I asked in exasperation. She frowned at me.

"This distancing yourself nonsense has got to stop. You've done it before and it was – it was awful. You can't do it again," Emery said in exasperation.

"Why? Because I'm going to fall apart like 'glass hitting the floor'?" The wide eyed look she gave me makes me raise an eyebrow. She knew she'd been caught. "I can handle myself. I've done it before... right?"

I noticed when her face fell. It made my breath hitch in my throat ever so slightly. But I swallowed hard and left her there. It was better that way.

***

I got out of bed and sat on the ledge of my window really feeling the nippy air. I looked down at my dangling feet and sighed. Tonight was the last night in this room, living with my boyfriend and his family. It was the last night that I would be able to walk down the hallway and see Mason but I couldn't do it.

I hated that I couldn't do it.

Yes, you can Charlie. Don't be a coward. You will regret this.

Pushing him away is the only way to protect him, I argued with myself. The only way.

My inner voices stopped arguing and I was left alone. I sat in the silence of my room and the darkness of the night. The guilt didn't stop eating at my stomach but I held it there. It couldn't consume me. I needed to be by myself.

It was for the better of everyone else.

***

The day before Christmas Eve rolled around and I was back in my own house. It was the usual scene; staring blankly up at my ceiling until I couldn't take it anymore then sitting on my window ledge. I was staring into the darkness when I got a phone call. Confused, I got off the ledge and ran over to my phone.

Who could be calling me at 3:30 in the morning?

"Hello?" I answer.

"Charlie? Oh, thank God!" I heard from the other side. The voice was desperate and worried, and it belongs to Mason's mom.

"Annalise? What's wrong?" I asked. There was immediately a pounding in my chest and I automatically knew something was wrong. I pulled on my shoes as I waited for her to explain.

"Mason. He's – he's gone," she breathed. My heart stopped.

"Gone?! Like –"

"Missing," she replied. For a split second I wanted to hit her for her choice of words. Did she not know what was going on with him at all? "I went into his room to check on him and he wasn't there... I've been calling him for hours."

I took a deep shaky breath. "I - I think I know where to find him," I said.

"Thank you Charlie," Annalise sighed.

After hanging up I pulled on a jacket and climbed out my window. I knew the front door would wake Linda up and there was no time for me to stop and explain. I knew what Mason was doing. And I was terrified.

My feet travelled fast and I was never more grateful for track and field.

As I ran through the night, I thought about the numerous times I did this on the streets. Even then the night terrified me, but at least I had had bright city lights to keep me calm. I trembled, remembering the encounters I had had with the street boys and how glad I was they weren't around. I also remembered the conversation I had about the night with Mason.

"I don't mind the night, I just hate the loneliness it brings," he had said.

"The thoughts and the memories too..." I'd replied. I shook it out of my head as I reached the forest.

Thankful for my sense of direction – and my phone's flashlight – I weaved successfully in and out of the trees until I found the clearing.

I just hoped I was not too late. 

Author's Note: Are you on the edge of your seat?? A little cliff hanger for the next chapter! What do you think is going on? What will happen next! Comment below!