Nothing's Fine

• 40: Fading •

At the top of the cliff, I saw a figure illuminated by the moonlight. He was standing near the edge and my heart dropped. I knew what he wanted to do. I could feel the desperation and hesitation rolling off of him in waves.

"Mason?" I called, my voice weak and wavering. He ignored me, staring straight ahead. "Mason, please." I tried again as I walked towards him. At this point, my tears were threatening to spill over and my breathing was shallow. "Please don't – don't do this."

His shoulders rose and fell, then he turned around to face me. His face was empty, but the look in his eyes told me everything I needed to know. He was hurting and he was hurting badly.

"Charlie, why did you come here?" he asked as I closed the gap between up. I reached for his hand before trying to answer. He pulled back immediately and I could feel my face fall. "Why?" he asked again angrily.

"Your mom called and said she couldn't find you. I knew you'd be here, and I just had this feeli– I was scared," I whispered. The tears spilled over and I struggled to control my breathing. "Please, just – just give me your hand."

I held out my hand again and he stood there for a moment. It felt like the longest pause of my entire life as he silently deliberated between choices. Finally, he took my hand, allowing me to pull him away from the edge of the cliff.

I lead him out of the clearing and into the trees, silently and quickly. My body was shaking but I didn't want to be standing in that clearing any longer. Once we were out of the woods and in the field, I let go of his hand and my knees buckled and I dropped to my knees as the panic and anxiety took over my body.

While Mason seemed void of emotion, I was experiencing enough for the both of us. He sat down next to me and watched as I sobbed. After a few moments when I'd calmed down a little, he finally spoke.

"It doesn't make sense that you came," he mumbled. My eyes widened and I looked at him in shock.

"Of course I came. I told you I didn't care if it was 3 in the morning, that I'd be there," I told him.

"But it hasn't seemed like it for the longest while," Mason replied. His eyes said it all. I pushed him away when he needed me most. I frowned, feeling that gnawing guilt in my stomach again.

"I am so sorry," I said. "I thought..." the words 'it would be better for you' seemed to die on my tongue. "I'm just – I'm really sorry." He sighed and we were quiet. I took a shaky breath and asked a question I was not sure I was ready to hear the answer to. "Were you really going to..."

"Yes," Mason responded. "No... I'm not sure. I think this time I was really close to it."

My chest felt tight and I sucked in a sharp breath. "I'm glad you didn't." He was silent, likely unsure he felt the same way. "I couldn't take it if you were to leave me," I whispered.

"Well, that's extremely selfish," he scoffed.

Selfish? That stung. There were many things I was, but I didn't think I was selfish.

"Do you want to talk about being selfish? Ending your life would have been selfish. You've seen what Sophia's death did to them – what it's still doing to them. Do you think your parents can handle losing you too? Do you think they can handle walking into your room everyday and not seeing another drawing or painting on the wall?" A sob ripped through my body, but I kept going. "Do you think your friends wouldn't care if you never came back to school? Do you think watching your favourite movies or driving past your house would ever be the same for them? And what about me? You can't leave me Mason. I need you. I need you here and breathing! Leaving would be selfish."

Mason stood up abruptly and his voice rose. "You're one to talk! I can't leave you, but you can push me away? How is that fair? I thought that this went both ways!"

"It does!" I yelled, standing up as well. "I only pushed you away because it was better for you. It is better for you. Better for Emery, better for everyone!"

"That's where you're wrong Charlie!" Mason snapped, though his voice was slightly softer. "It's not better for me! I needed you, okay? I. Needed. You."

"Then why wouldn't you tell me that?" I asked.

"Because you make it so hard to break down these stupid walls you build to keep everyone out!"

"They're not stupid. It was for your own good Mason. I was just trying to protect you!"

"From what?" he huffed.

"From me!" I yelled. "I'm like broken glass that you and Charlie have to keep trying to glue back together, right? She was right! And you are both getting cut on the pieces you pick up."

"Charlie we–"

"I am not fine, okay Mason? Nothing's fine! Nothing ever will be fine. It wasn't fine 3 years ago, and I'm doing my best but it's not fine now!" I exclaimed. I started walking towards the road and could hear Mason's footsteps behind me.

"Charlie!"

I turned around and faced him. "I want you to stop getting cut on the pieces of the glass, okay?"

"Charlie, wait!" he said, catching up to me.

"Mason, I care about you so much. I need you to be okay. I can't let you get hurt trying to put me back together. It's not fair to you." I turned around and stepped towards the street, but suddenly there was a bright white light and everything was in slow motion.

I hear distant yelling.

I felt the impact of hard, cold metal.

Then slowly...

... I was fading...

to...

Author's Note: Cliff hanger!!! Oops haha! What did we think of  that chapter?? Poor Mason, right? :(( and what do you think happened to Charlie? Are we mad at her? Glad she found Mason? What do you think will happen next?! Comment and let know!

Also, on a serious note, if any of you find yourself feeling like Mason, please reach out to someone. Anyone -- a friend, an adult, a parent, doctor, hotline... It is so important not to sit with that by yourself. You are so loved and deserve more.

Have a great weekend & new chapter coming soon! xo