Heaven

Hope

                                             " I'm not living, I'm just filling time."

I've been through a lot of shit in my life, and perhaps that's the reason I'm going crazy, or why my new parents believe I might be going crazy. Silas and Asher think its just because I'm a teenage girl, while my parents thought it was the trauma I've been through.

My mother literally killed herself while pregnant with me, they had to do a c section and I lived in an incubator for three months before being sent off to an orphanage. Apparently my father left my mother a week before her suicide.

They sent me off to a therapist who they thought could help me, but its only becoming worse, like I'm leaning towards the dark side. Just kidding, this isn't Star Wars.

I stared up at the ceiling, my arms crossed over my chest while Dr. Louisa was sitting across the room while holding a clipboard in her hands, waiting for me to open my mouth and spill all my demented thoughts and crazy ideas.

"My thoughts are killing me," I whisper.

I suck in a deep breath, "I'm actually really scared that nobody will ever fall in love with me or love me for who I am," I croak out, closing my eyes.

If I stared at the ceiling any longer I'm sure I'd snap, "My father left before I was born," I snapped, my fists clenching, "My mother killed herself when she was still pregnant with me." I bite out, trying to bite down the sob that fought to escape.

"What about the Rae's?" She asked and I sigh, feeling all the energy deflating.

I shrug my shoulders, "They love me, but they'll never truly love me, for who I am. I went through a lot and that's put some distance in our relationship," I explain, it was true of course. I felt like the boys understood me more than their own parents.

"So what your saying is you want someone who understands you?" She asks, and I could feel her eyes on me.

I pinch the bridge of my nose, "No, because I think I may have found someone who does," I whisper and that seemed to perk her attention.

"He's been through a lot, and I know a lot of people don't like him," I state and I open my eyes and stare at her.

She nods while smiling softly at me, "And who is he?" She asks.

My stomach flipped and my heart began to pound in my chest, even thinking about him drove me insane, "Benjamin Fisher," I say and I quickly looked away.

The room went silent and when I finally will myself to look over at her, she was looking at me like I was some mental patient who belonged in an asylum.

I sat up quickly and grabbed my sweatshirt from the couch, standing up I rush to the door but she grabs my arm lightly, spinning me around so I could face her, "Don't be involved with him Iliana, he chose his fate, you don't have to just yet," She says.

I shrug off her hand and turn my back to her, "Maybe he's part of my fate," I retort back.

"I will be praying for you Iliana." She says before I slammed the door in her face.

___________________________

I walk down the board walk by the ocean, the cold September air nipping at my face while I clutch my coffee tightly in my hand, it was a decent day for a walk. It was gloomy, the dark clouds covering the sky while the wind picked up, kicking around the leaves that have fallen.

My black dress flowed by my ankles and I kept my head down while passing people, not wanting to be seen. I was in a mood, especially now that my therapist thinks I'm crazy.