Relationships - A MDE FanFiction

Chapter 39

Alex's P.O.V

I woke in a daze like state. Where was I? What happened?? All these questions came flooding into my brain but then I remembered what happened before and, in a quick reaction, I looked down at my arm and wrist. I knew, by checking my surroundings, I was in a hospital room. I was completely ashamed. Seeing myself like this was enough to make me sick. How could anyone love this? I knew that everyone else would know by now and they would be deeply ashamed of me. I'm ashamed of myself. I'm so weak. I just needed to stop but it was easier said than done.

"Babe?" I heard Johnnie's voice from the corner of the room while also hearing a beep from the heart rate monitor. Red flushed straight to my face. I have never been so embarrassed ever. I just wanted to crawl up and die. I couldn't face him. Why couldn't I just get a grip and not self harm?

"Erm...yeah?" I coughed slightly, clearing my voice. Johnnie immediately shot up, when he realised that I was awake, and stood bride my bed while taking my hand in his.

"I just - uh - I don't know why?" Johnnie spoke. He looked straight into my eyes and I could tell by the red around them that he had cried. His eyes were watering now and I felt so bad. He sounded like he wanted to give up on me but also like he was stepping on eggshells because he didn't want to offend me.

"I'm so sorry! I never meant for you to find out this way" I started crying my eyes out. There was no point in trying to act brave or strong now.

"You never meant for me to find out?! Really?! That's what you're going with! Of course I'm devastated that you did it but I'm so upset with the fact that you didn't tell me" Johnnie replied to me with a lump in his throat. He sounded like he wanted to do what I was doing right now - crying my eyes out.

"I didn't want you to think I was weak but I know that I am now and I'm sorry. I never meant to harm our baby" I sounded defeated. I could barely see Johnnie now because my tears had blurred my vision. I was barely getting out my words I was crying that much. It's all my fault...

"You didn't loose too much blood so the baby is completely fine but clearly you're not and I could have helped you. You're not weak at all. I talk about my problems to you and that's what gets me through the day and I want you to do the same. You apologise for potentially harming our baby but not yourself. You're important. You're my world and I don't want anyone to hurt you let alone yourself" Johnnie told me, beginning to cry.

"I'm sorry Johnnie" I apologised to him. I was so glad that no one else could see what a mess I was at the moment.

"You don't need to say sorry to me. You need to say sorry to yourself. Do you not see that you're loved? You deserve better and you should treat yourself better" Johnnie kept telling me. He was so cute and always knew how to cheer me up. Why didn't I just rely on him before? I knew I could have trusted him with everything - why did I ever have doubts?

"I know I should but it's hard when people say stuff lik-" My sentence was cut off by Johnnie.

"They are jealous. I know you don't think they are but they definitely are. You're a beautiful and intelligent girl who has a loyal fan base and the confidence to be herself despite what people think. You're fucking amazing Alex and it kills me that you can't see that. I will tell you everyday about how much I love you and why I love you to make sure that you know that you are worth it" Johnnie told me, the dedication in his voice. We were both crying at this point so we could barely see each other.

"I love you so much babe. I promise that if I ever ever ever feel like doing it again that I will tell you" I said through short breaths because of the amount I was crying.

"You should of have come to me before. I am hurt that you didn't come to me before" Johnnie told me, tears in his eyes and slight anger in his voice.

"I'm sorr-" Again, my sentence was cut off by Johnnie.

"Stop apologising Alex! What you have done has happened. You clearly don't trust me at all and I don't think I can trust you now. To be honest, I just want to be alone right now." Johnnie switched his softer tone to a more angry tone. This was the response that I was afraid of but I knew I had no one else to blame but myself. I would like to think that, if Johnnie was the one who didn't tell me, that I wouldn't be upset or hurt but I probably would be.

"I don't know what else to do other than to apologise. I know I'm in the wrong obviously but I didn't know how to tell you. I mean, when Shannon found out she was supportive but I didn't know if you-" I began but then was, again, interrupted by Johnnie.

"Shannon knew?! What the fuck Alex!!! Shannon knew about it but didn't tell me. You told some girl that you barely knew over someone you have known your whole life. I know everything about you and you still thought I would just give up on you. Well I'm ready to give up now. You have given up on me so I've given up on you. I'm done Alex. I don't want to see you right now." Johnnie cried through anger and slammed out.

It then hit me. Had I just been dumped? I couldn't believe it. I was convinced that he would help me. He was being so supportive at first. I guess he realised what he was getting himself into. I didn't mean to hurt him at all. I sat up in my hospital bed, the only company being medical machines beeping away, and stared ahead with tears streaming down my face. I was so numb. I couldn't feel anything but the pain up my arms and on my wrists. Just as I began thinking about the comforting pain, the rest of MDE came streaming into the room. Shannon immediately grabbed me and pulled me into a hug.

"Johnnie just stormed out and wouldn't talk to anyone. Are you okay?" Shannon asked, looking straight in my eyes, with her mascara running down her face.

"No" I replied honestly. There was no point I pretending anymore. I was done just like Johnnie was. I was done with life to be honest. With my answer, I started gushing out all my problems to the whole of MDE.

A/N
Sorry for taking over a month to update!! I suppose I just sort of got caught up with school and a new set GCSE's I'm doing now. I hope you enjoy this really depressing chapter though :) ~ Tiffany