Choosing Mr. Destiny (boyxboy) [To Be Edited]

"Prologue"

Seeing my father giving me the most hateful look was already more than enough to make me want to cry my little heart out, but him spitting hurtful words towards me makes me want to just end my life. Because I know once I'm dead I will no longer feel the pain I'm feeling at the moment. The unbearable ache was just... well, unbearable. It's suffocating and consuming me whole that all I can feel was the searing pain.

So maybe it is best if I just die.

It's peaceful. No worries. No pain. No more judgments.

That sounds pretty much like heaven to me.

But of course, how am I gonna commit death upon myself when I'm a coward.

I always am, and always will be.

I can't even hold a freaking knife properly, much more hurt myself. And now, as a result of that said cowardice, I'm stuck in this mess I call my life.

"This must be a sick joke, right? A humorous prank?" He laughed bitterly with hate in his eyes as he kept an intense gaze on me. "My son isn't a f*cking f*ggot! I refuse to believe that! You're not a f*ggot!" He yelled once more making me wince at the loudness.

"This can't be real. Ashley, tell me you're just joking around." He told me with what looked like hopefulness in his eyes.

When I didn't utter a word, he aggressively slammed his hand on the coffee table causing the glass to crack under his palm.

"Answer me!" He yelled.

The tears no longer being kept at bay as I let one by one stream down from my eyes.

"What do you want me to say, Papa? Yes, I am this. Yes, I am that? I already told you what I want to tell you." I said, pausing a bit to inhale. "I can't keep pretending to be someone else I'm not. I'm tired and I'm miserable. I'm done." I continued.

He stared at me as if I just committed the most hideous crime known to mankind before he shook his head in utter disappointment. His face showed obvious anger.

"Do you know how this will affect our family? Our name? My name?" He roared loudly making his voice echo all throughout the living room and possibly the whole house.

He stood up from his seat as he went to the nearest window and gazed outside still fuming in rage.

"What will the pastor say about our family having a f*ggot of a member? You will ruin our good reputation!" He bellowed once again.

I didn't give him any sort of response as I stood there by the entrance to the living room still silently crying.

"If you never chose to be gay then we wouldn't be having this ridiculous issue right now. Everything would still be normal; YOU would still be normal. But you chose to be a Sinner." He spat the word as if it was acid in his mouth. "You know damn well how much God is against Homosexuality but you still chose to be one. I thought you knew better than to be one yourself." He shook his head once more. "You have been infected with a contagious disease from this world, and here you are thinking it's totally fine? You're making a fool of yourself. No homosexual is welcome in this family, and you don't deserve to carry our family name." Papa said with hate and disgust lacing his voice.

I took every word of hate and disgust as I stood there silently. I didn't utter nonsensical profanities towards my own father because I know it's just pointless. I just stood there and took everything in, causing me more and more pain by the second.

I can't believe my own father would say those words to me, his son.

"I didn't choose to be who I am," I spoke merely over a whisper. Not intending for anyone to hear.

Papa turned to look at me, obviously hearing what I just said.

When he didn't say anything, I took it as a sign to continue.

"I didn't choose to be anything because It's just who I am. And It's not a matter of choosing, it's about self-discovery and acceptance. As I grew older, I learned the real me and I chose to be true to myself. I didn't choose to be gay, nor be straight. I chose to be real." I stated as tears kept cascading down my cheeks. "You may see me as someone completely different, but I'm still human just like you. The same human that breathes the same air that you do, lives on the same planet you are standing on and ends up buried six feet under when the time comes. The only difference between the two of us is my sexuality, which isn't supposed to be your business in the first place. I shouldn't have cared even if you accept me for who I am or not. But because you're my father, it matters to me that's why it hurts." I ranted, no longer holding my heart back from what it wants to say.

"But you know Papa, I got tired," I told him. "This is my life and it's up to me how I run it. I'm supposed to be the one in charge of my life, not you. But because I love you as my father, I let you gain control and shape me the way you want me to be. I threw away my own happiness because I didn't want to disappoint you or our family. I let you control my life like a puppet because I thought it would make you happy. But then I realized, what about me? What about my own happiness? Doesn't my own happiness matters too?" I paused as I inhaled sharply.

"I'm sorry if I can't be the son that you want me to be, and I'm sorry that I disappointed you. But I'm tired of pretending. And most importantly, I'm really tired of pretending that I'm okay with you pushing me to be someone that I don't want to be." I said. "I want to finally be free. Be able to do what I wished to do especially when it comes to my studies. I've always wanted to pursue the course that I really wanted ever since I was in high school, but you prohibited me from doing so. I did all that you asked me to do. I tried to go to the Missionary for you. I did everything to please you that's why I set all my happiness aside."

Papa looked at me with the same rage-filled look on his face. His eyes showing nothing but anger and disgust.

"I'm done hearing your excuses, Ash." He said, dismissing me. "You became gay because you CHOSE to be gay. Nothing will change that obvious fact." Papa spat hurtfully as he went to sit back down on his chair.

I sighed. Inhaling and exhaling to calm me and to stop my tears from falling.

I need to be strong. Not for anyone else, but for myself.

"That's your view and I'm in no power to change it," I said as I stood my ground.

We met gazes and I almost recoiled on myself at how intense his look towards me was.

"And even if you try, my views will never change." He spat with a now calm look on his face. "We'll see what your mother has to say on this matter. If she agrees with me on making you leave this house then you better start packing." He said which I kinda expected.

I knew this would happen.

I was about to leave when Papa spoke once again.

"You just sealed your fate in hell, Ash. I hope you know that."

I nodded as I oddly found a new sense of confidence. And deciding to voice it out, I stopped in my tracks and looked over my shoulder.

"Well, Satan better be prepared because I'm pretty choosy when it comes to guys and their d*ck sizes," I spoke, turning to meet his shocked gaze.

I didn't say anything else as I went to go into my room and start packing.