Phan oneshot collection

Never kissed him

Genre: this is sad but relieving at the same time like alternate reality stuff

Word count: 2100ish

I forgot I wrote this and it is sad oops.

What if I hadn't kissed him?

What if I had chickened out and never felt his lips on mine for the first time? I'm honestly just glad I did. I look down on my beautiful boyfriend, asleep on my chest, black hair messy and mouth hanging open slightly, soft groans escaping his mouth every so often. My little lion. My eyes are closing now and I'm so tired, but I just want to watch Phil sleep a little longer. It probably sounds weird, but it relaxes me to see him this peaceful, he is usually so hyper it's a slightly alarming contrast, like he's two people. And they're both mine. My eyes shut slowly and a small smile tugs at the corners of my lips, my fingertips resting on his chest and around his torso, connecting us so simply but so strongly. I never want to let him go.

*****

We're at the top of the London eye, staring out at the whole of the city, Phil standing up and shaking with excitement. He sits down next to me and smiles, looking into my face. My body tells me I should kiss him, tell him how I feel, and I agree. I start to lean, it feels like this was meant to happen, but I jolt backwards, terrified of rejection and everything else heart breaking about the idea started swirling around my head, stopping me completely. He looks slightly sad and looks away, standing back up to look out of the glass pod, his shoulders hunched more than usual, his hands in his pockets. This is weird, I should have kissed him, I should do it now, just walk over there, turn him to face me and kiss him. But I can't. Not now. I want it to be perfect, and I'm sure I will get other chances.

2 years later

They are sat on the sofa watching Buffy together and he is laughing, playing with her hair. He stares at her lovingly and pulls her into a kiss, and I have to look away. The image keeps burning in my mind though, taunting me that I can't have him, at least maybe, not quite yet. Soon though, soon.

2 months later

His room is bare and empty, a few old items strung in there like my keyboard or an old beanbag he used to love diving on, a toy or two. He lives with her now. He could still come back, just maybe not quite yet, a little later. I know he will at some point. He has to. I need him. Phil isn't the type to abandon his friends, even now, ages away from our never ending youth. We still see each other yes, but just not so often. I always wake up and start to make 2 coffees, then realise Phil isn't here to have his, and I end up pouring the instant coffee back into the jar. He is busy with Jodie, wrapped in her arms, her giggling into his shoulder. He makes her coffee now. I can't help but hate her because that should be me, and it's not. She's probably lovely, but to me she just isn't. Because she has got Phil, and I don't anymore.

Just not yet. But soon. I have to promise myself this, it will happen. He will be mine.

6 months later

They're engaged. He fucking asked her last night right in front of me. I know I should stop waiting but I can't, not until he realises that it won't work with Jodie and should be with someone more suited to him, one that doesn't nag and moan at him, one that will never let him go, one who is his soul mate. Someone like me. I will just stay where I am and wait for him, there is plenty of time. He will probably back out of this anyway, Phil has never been up for something too committing, he said to me only a year ago he didn't want to get married and he would probably never last with the person if he did. I am still holding my hopes on that.

3 days later

He has asked me to be his best man. How could I say no to him? He looked so happy when I agreed, but in reality it hurt me really deep down, like I had a knife twisting in my chest, scraping at my heart over and over, slowly cutting each vein leading off it, slowly making me die as painfully as possible. He is really serious about this marriage, and it's worrying. He told me he felt like she's the one he is meant to spend his life with and he sounded completely genuine. Even if we had been drinking I still know that drunk words are sober thoughts and that is making this so much harder than I thought it would be.