Indifferent (HS)

33. I'm her father

Chapter 33:

Harry and I decided to go hang out in New York and I wanted to take him to my favorite places. Walking down fifth avenue hand in hand we ate street food and went shopping and took lots of goofy selfies. Every Christmas, ice skating at the Rockerfeller Center was a must and it's been a while. The sun was starting to go down making it colder, but I didn't mind. 

"I don't know if I've ever seen you this happy" Harry spoke genuinely as we walked towards the rink. 

"Yeah you're probably right" Thinking back on the broken state I was in when Harry and I met was such an unfathomable time. I can't believe I went through what I did and I can't believe I survived. What would have happened if there was no rescue? "A lot has changed"

"Where do you think we'd be if that night with us never happened?" We stopped walking and just stared at each other with the metaphorical wheels turning in our heads trying to imagine our lives without the other.

"I feel like I'd be dead, but maybe that would have been too easy. I never thought I'd leave that place. I never had enough hope left to see a life without him. I was so trapped. I haven't had anyone care for me in so long, I've looked out for myself and it's been terrible. Thinking if I was still stuck there makes me so sad" I didn't plan on getting emotional but I hid my face in his chest trying not to let tears fall. 

"I promise to always protect you and look out for you and love you better than you can do for yourself" He rubbed my back and I was seriously contemplating falling in love with him. Obviously I was, but I was trying to approach it logically. I couldn't really stop myself though.

"There's still so much of me scared to give you all of me, I can't be abandoned again but I want you in my life so badly" I sounded like a child clinging onto their source of love and affection, because without it life is impossible and it's too cold and dark to bear alone.

"You don't have to convince me to stay, I'm not going anywhere" Thoughts of overhearing his conversation earlier swirled in my mind and I needed clarity.

"Harry" He hummed in response. I looked up to see his eyes. "I heard you on the phone this morning- who were you talking to?" Nervous of how he would react I glanced away for a moment waiting for him to answer.

"My new agent wants me to debut my new solo album" He spoke reluctantly and I pulled away from him completely perplexed. 

"New agent? Solo album? What's going on?" I felt so out of the loop, I've been living with him for months and had no idea about any of this. Is he going on tour again?

"Please don't freak out nothing is happening anytime soon I told her I didn't want to release the album right after the break up of the band" He pulled me back in his embrace mainly because it was getting colder outside.

"How long have you had a new manager? When did you start working on the album? Do the guys know? And when were you going to tell me?" I didn't want to flip out on him but I was so concerned. Harry coming out as a solo artist means so many new things and what would that mean for us?

"Shh please nothing is happening and it's complicated, can we just talk about it later I don't want to ruin our trip" I wanted to continue but I didn't want to ruin it either. I had to trust him.

"Okay fine okay but we are talking when we get home" I decided to let it go for now. His face relaxed and we started walking again. "So where would you be you think, you know if we hadn't met?"

"I don't know honestly the past couple months have been so hard, shit has hit the fan in all aspects with the band and I really was wrestling with the fact we were probably going to end things. Before you came into my life it was hard finding joy in the people around me because the only people around me are my career basically. I've gotten so many offers regarding shooting brand campaigns and I know it'd be good for me but I've been caught up in putting the band first and turning down things for myself. Also the occasional rumor that I'm gay keeps coming up and well now I have you" At first he was serious but the laugh sentence he was being so playful and silly like he usually is.