Things we lost | c.g fanfic [heavily editing bc I suck]

Chapter 3

Tom stopped breathing three days later. He's just...gone. They tried to save him, but he just died. They all explained to me that no matter how you die, unless you destroy the brain you come back. Meaning I couldn't even let my brother go peacefully.
The group asked me if I wanted to join them.
I accepted. I mean, I have nowhere to go anyway. And I'm too numb to just walk around on the woods again. By myself.

It's Tom's 'funeral' today, which means then cover him in a sheet and put him in a hole. No headstone, nothing to keep his name going. Just a dark, empty hole and a cross made from sticks. He would've hated it. Carl keeps telling me how sorry he is. I don't have the strength to fight him. I just stare at him and walk away again. I've been walking a lot, at three in the morning when I can't sleep, at five when I realise I'm not getting back to sleep. I'm an agitated mess.

I sit on the uncomfortable bottom bunk of the cell I share with Carl. This is actually his bed, I'm on the top. We haven't had a conversation that isn't one sided since the night I arrived. He apologises and I ignore him. It hurts too much to even look at him, I just get brought back to the moment he killed Tom. I hear footsteps but don't look up. I know who it'll be anyway.
"I know you miss him," he starts. "And I know what I did can never be forgiven. But I just hope you know you can never hate me as much as I hate myself right now." I continue to stare at the floor. There's a watered down blood stain which had obviously been cleaned with a weak attempt. I brush the toe of my shoe along it. Sighing, I look up. He's holding his baby sister, I think her name was Judith. I haven't seen her mother so I'll assume she's gone like everyone else parents.
"What's done is done. Stop apologising okay? I don't want to think about it and it won't change the fact you killed him." I say with no emotion. My voice comes out dry and croaky as its the first time I've spoke in three days.
"Okay." He whispers, coming in and sitting beside me. I look at the small infant in his arms. She must be a year old at least.

"She's cute." I note, wanting to change the topic.
"Takes after her mom," his smile falters a little.
"She gone?" I ask bluntly. He nods, looking down at Judith.
"Yeah.
"Sorry." I whisper. He nods.
"Want to hold her?" He asks, carefully holding her out to me. I always loved holding my little sisters when they were babies but I'm hesitant. He places her in my arms without consent and excuses himself for a minuet and. I stare at her, she's so small and innocent. She doesn't understand what's happening. She doesn't know her mothers dead.
She sure as hell doesn't know her brothers a killer.
An oldish song runs through my head. Safe and Sound by God knows who. It's about how everything's falling to pieces outside, but if you close your eyes it all disappears. That's not the case for me, but it is for this little one.

My parents...weren't there for a lot of the time while my little sisters were babies. They had business conferences everywhere. I was left to look after them and Tom a lot, even though I was only young at the time. I can't say I really miss them considering they were almost never there for me. But I love them, Well...I did, when they were alive of course. they're family. Family's everything now.
I realise now I'm the only one left in my family. The only one to keep the legacy going. The only one who actually lived.
"I always wanted a little brother or sister. I just..." Carl says, walking back in. "But not like this." I nod, handing her back without a word.

I walk outside with everyone else for my brothers funeral. I dug the grave and made an effort to find something clean and black. Funeral clothes I guess. Nobody else knew my brother. They just knew his name, and that his treason of death was Carl. I want to read something for him but I can't. I can't handle it. I look down at the mound of earth as almost everyone stands around it. There's a wooden cross that's been nailed together and put on his grave. A sob catches in my throat and I wrap my arms around myself.
Daryl puts a hand on my shoulder sympathetically, I can tell he's lost somebody, maybe a brother or sister. I'm not sure but I'm guessing it was someone close to him. Rick speaks but k don't listen. All I heard that he was strong and left too soon.
"You okay?" Carl asks quietly. I nod, lying completely.

We lost everyone. Everyone, except eachother. That was really all we needed. He was too young to have to go. To young to die. If I Could swap places with him, if I could be the one behind the bullet-I'd do it in a second. I love him. I loved him. Rick asks if I want to speak. I nod. Sobbing hard, I walk up to his grave and place on it a single dying flower I picked. It's all I could find. I step back and speak six quiet words.
"I'm never going to forget you."