Things we lost | c.g fanfic [heavily editing bc I suck]

Chapter 5

I kissed him.
I kissed Carl grimes.
This is the kind of thing I was trying to avoid. Getting close to someone-falling in love with someone at a much too young age! I don't even understand the concept of love, but the feelings I have towards Carl are strong. And I can't ignore that. But every time I love somebody or something...it dies! And I can't let that happen again. I'm pretty sure one more death will be the end of me. I know that it's stupid considering this world's seen so many deaths before. I just...don't want any more of it.

"Zoe?" Carol says, her voice tells me she's concerned whereas her face tells me otherwise. "Something on your mind?" It's weird but she's become a kind of mother figure to me. She told me about her daughter, Sophia. How she died after she went missing.
"Just...things." I mumble, looking down at my cracked nails. I find myself biting my nails a lot nowadays. It's just something I do when I'm anxious, which is more then I care to admit. We're standing watch right now, waiting for the others to come back from the run- others being Carl, Daryl, Rick; Maggie, Michonne and Glenn.-so that explains my anxiousness.
"Like?" She presses me. A sigh escapes my lips without permission. I don't want to tell her about the kiss, but I have a lot of other things on my mind. Such as a question that's been following me like a dark cloud in winter.
"It's just..." Another sigh. "Carol...do you think things will ever go back to the way they were before?" She turns to me, staring straight into my dark eyes.
"Zo...I wish I could tell you that they will." She has a distant look in her eyes, and when she speaks she sounds thousands of years old. "It doesn't matter if the walkers go. Things can't be the same. We've all been through too much now for thongs to go back to how they were before." I nod. I didn't realise I was crying until I saw the drops of liquid on my shirt. I brush them away quickly. I can't be so stupid. So juvenile and naïve.

"I guess I already knew that..." I whisper. "I just hoped... You know what? It doesn't even matter. Me and my stupid hope, huh?" I chuckle lightly, trying to lighten the mood. Carol looks hurt, almost as if I'd said something to upset her.
"No, keep ahold of your hope." She stands up and reloads her gun. "Mind staying here by yourself for a while? I've got...stuff to do."
"Sure." I nod as she stands up.
I watch carol as she climbs down the ladder of the tower. I stand and stretch out my stiff limbs, I'm pretty sure I've been sitting in the same position for almost three hours.
  I wonder what it must have been like for her. To grow up in a world that's not infected by an epidemic; where going outside or sleeping can't kill you. The thought angers me for a minuet, but I just brush it off. Besides, it's not Carols fault. She lost everyone just like the rest of us.

We've all lost someone.