Supernatural Sister Imagines

Imagine #29: Conventional Pain

Imagine: This imagine is based at a convention. You are an actress who plays Sam and Dean's sister, and while at a panel with Jensen and Jared, someone asks about your depression and anxiety.

Age: 15

     "Hello." I greeted cheerfully from my chair up on stage, smiling at the adorable woman waiting by the mic, her nervousness obvious in the way she fidgeted with her hands. Jensen sat in his chair beside me, but Jared had lost interest in his, instead standing behind me with his hands on my shoulders.

    "Hi, my name is Sarah, and my question is for you, Y/n." I smiled, sticking out my tongue at Jensen and Jared while they pretended to pout with sour looks.

     "Let me hear it, darlin'." I said, earning a few awws from the crowd as she blushed down at the floor.

     "So, I spend a lot of time watching your panels and conventions on YouTube, and I was wondering. I noticed that you always have on that thick, pink, rubber bracelet," she pointed to the described jewelry encasing my wrist and I immediately grew a little nervous, and Jensen was perking up with concern, "and I was wondering if it meant anything. I know it could easily just be a piece of jewelry that you like, but I see you stare at it sometimes, see you frown, and it makes think there is a story right there on your wrist. If it's too personal, you don't have to answer."

     "Thank you," she smiled, as did I, "Yeah, it's pretty personal-"

    "Y/n," Jensen interrupted me before I could go on, standing up and drawing his arm across the front of my collarbone and holding on to my shoulder, speaking softly into my ear, out of range of his and my mics, "You don't have to do this. You don't owe anyone anything. They don't need to know."

    "It's okay, Jay, they need to know. They deserve to know," I gave him a reassuring smile, but I could tell it was small, shaky, "I've got you two here with me. I can do it."

     Jensen hesitated, looking into my powerful e/c eyes wearily, and I leaned forward to press a reassuring kiss to his cheek, earning a few screams of delight from the crowd I'd almost forgotten about. Jensen forced a smile and nodded his consent.

     "Okay, it's your choice."

     "Yeah, this bracelet is a lot more than what it seems," I returned my attention to the crowd, Jared and Jensen now both standing over my tall chair like hawks.

     "You see," I looked down and twisted the loose piece of rubber around my arm, and when I looked back into the audience, I glanced in the monitor before me to see that there were tears in my eyes, causing them to sparkle beautifully, "I have been diagnosed with one of the most severe cases of depression and anxiety that my doctor had ever reported seeing."

     A few gasps echoed throughout the crowd and soon people were joining you in tears. Jared put his hand on your shoulder and gave it a comforting squeeze.

"And, it's really hard," you tried to blunt your voice, tried to hide away your pain, but the lump lay heavy in your threat, suffocating you as you voice slowly began to crack, "because I knew that I needed help and I knew that I wanted help but for a long time I didn't get it because I didn't think that I deserved it."

Jensen came to stand closer to you as you pulled your legs to your chest, "I refused to tell anyone for so long because I didn't think I deserved the attention. I didn't think I deserved for anyone to care."

A tear slowly rolled down your cheek and you knew there was no going back now. Jensen placed his hand on your knee and you gratefully grasped his arm while his thumb rubbed over your jeans comfortingly.

"It was so hard to go to work because my job is based on an ideal of being able to portray someone that wasn't you and I told myself I didn't fit it," your chin slowly fell to your knee and you squeezed your eyes shut, "I fought with the demons in my head and they won. They told me and I listened. I fell apart."

You shook your head slightly, "I stopped doing anything for myself. My actions, they, they weren't, 'I'll do this because it seems like fun and I'll enjoy it', they became, 'I'll do this because I need to please Jensen. I need to please Misha. I need to be good enough.' And by God, I told myself that I wasn't good enough, that I would never be good enough. I stopped caring about my wellbeing, stopped eating. I hated myself while loving everyone else."

You went silent a minute, contemplating whether or not to go on, before eventually you gave in with a quiet sigh.

"Two months ago I tried to kill myself." The effect was immediate this time, gasps echoing loudly around the room and a few people even giving loud protests of 'no' and 'oh my God'. Your face scrunched into a beautiful sob and you had to take a moment, burying your face in Jensen's arm while the crowd worked through their commotion, murmuring and shifting before they eventually settled and you pushed your head back up again.

"I got a gun and I held it to my head and told myself to pull the trigger. I tried to pull the trigger," you paused, the slowest, smallest, most broken smile drifting across your face, "but then I got a text from Jensen."

You looked up at Jensen and he gave you a warm, teary-eyed smile, bending down to press a tender kiss to your cheek, "he told me he loved me and wished me goodnight, and when I read it the gun fell from my hands and I was calling him before I knew what I was doing."

You chuckled a half-hearted chuckle, "He answered and I was just sobbing hysterically, I couldn't even speak. But he didn't need me to. He came anyway. He found me on the floor with the gun in my hands and he held me and he cried with me. He cried and told me he was sorry and asked why I had done it and it, it opened my eyes."

You wiped vainly at your face even though your tears still fell, "He and Jared, that put all my stupid little pieces back together. They fixed me and they loved me and they taught me what it meant to be loved. They taught me that I was loved."

"But most of all they taught me how to love myself again. They saved me, and I will forever own them for that." Jared wrapped his arms around your shoulders and kissed your cheek, and you smiled.

"That's why I started the Always Keep Fighting Campaign, and the Supernatural Crisis Hotline. That's why I spend hours myself on that hotline, talking with people who are just like me. Because I don't want people to have to feel like I did. I was so broken, and I don't know if I would've had the strength to bring myself back without this family of mine. So I try to help people as much as I can, and I encourage you to as well."

"I know there a people in this room who are on the same plane as me. I know there are people in this room who have it worse than me. But I want you to know that I see you. I hear you. I love you. You don't have to be alone," you stood up off your chair, holding out your arms, "Just look around! You have the largest family in the world! Don't let yourself be alone, because this family is here not just to pick you up when you fall but to dust you off and tell you to keep going. I need you to remember that."

"Don't end up like me," You said, and as you looked around at all the crying faces and clenched fists, you smiled, "Don't be broken like me. I'm a mess. You don't have to be."

You stepped to the edge of the stage, your eyes scanning the room with a firm determination.

"You are not alone."