and oh god
lauren
dear god
i am sorry
i am so fucking sorry
for screaming at you to shut up
i am so sorry
that my words silenced the entire cafeteria.
i am sorry that i couldn't control myself
i'm sorry i let the leash slip out of my hands
i always had a thing with my temper
i shouldn't've yelled like that
but i'm sorry
your words just... something in me snapped.
i don't remember yelling
i remember you speaking
then black
then silence
then tears down our faces
i am sorry.
no one has ever yelled at you like that.
i know.
and i am sorry.
i am so sorry.
you said three words
and the next thing i know my head is screaming at me instead of me screaming at you
and the next thing i know
i fucked up.
i know i fucked up.
you didn't speak to me afterward,
save for that broken, mumbled, sorry.
you don't know what you did wrong, and that's what hurts the most.
i should've explained to you
i should've controlled myself
it's my fault
and i am sorry
but i do not belong
in the light.
my soul doesn't fit in this brightness
my soul feels wrong when the sun is shining on me
and feels right when i am bathed in moonlight
i am sorry
that i do not fit into your perfect standards
of forgiving
kind
selfless
mature
calm
compassionate
i am sorry
that instead
i turned out a disappointment
and failed all of you.
i am sorry
that instead
i turned out vengeful
violent
selfish
immature
chaotic
hateful.
i am so sorry
that i did not live up to your perfect standards
i'm sorry i wasn't ever enough
wasn't nice enough
wasn't forgiving enough
wasn't perfect.
spatting that word out of my mouth like soured milk.
i am not sorry.
i am not a failure
not to myself.
i may have failed you
but at least i didn't fail myself.
and i think that counts for something.
you think i am not in control
you look at my eyes to make sure they are blue
instead of black
or red
or yellow.
and my response to that is FUCK YOU!
I KNOW WHAT I HAVE DONE
I KNOW WHAT I AM DOING
I KNOW WHAT I WILL DO
AND I WILL NOT REGRET IT!
SO FUCK YOU
AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS
AND KISS MINE!
