i've begun to notice
and i wonder if anyone else has
that when i'm watching a series
or just a movie
i'll say to the screen,
damn, nice acting.
and i think i do it
to drag myself back to reality
to pull myself out of it
to convince myself this isn't actually happening
to remind myself,
hey, you're okay. this isn't real.
to remind myself
that isn't actual blood
to remind myself
that character isn't real
to remind myself
that needle is only on the television
to remind myself
that creature is not really there
it's special effects
grace, it's special effects.
it's not real.
it wasn't made to taunt you,
ha-ha, look at this.
look at them.
look how pathetic—
i know they're not comparing it to me
this isn't a parallel
that isn't real
this is real
is it?
and i'll have the same salty tears
down my face again
trailing across my nose,
crossing my lips.
it's like him. look at him. look at those scars look at that needle in his neck look at that IV look at that blood ha-ha look at that look how pathetic it's just like—
it's not real
it's not real
it's not real
it's not real
and over and over again,
it's not real
it's not real
it'snotrealit'snotrealit'snotrealit'snotreal
that man strung up isn't you
that man with the carved up body isn't you
they don't even know you exist
they didn't make that episode specifically
for you
to taunt you
to show you how useless and pathetic—
i'll look at myself in the mirror
look at that smile that never reaches my eyes
and i'll repeat to myself, over and over again
almost tauntingly
almost like that screen—
oh, wait
have i been saying screen?
and television?
no, no, sorry
i meant mirror.
i'll look at that smile
and cheery face in the mirror
and i will look myself in the eyes and say,
damn, nice acting.
