you know what the saddest thing i've ever had to live with is? when i was younger i wished i was a boy. so fucking bad. i literally prayed to god every damn second wishing and praying and telling him please let me wake up and be a boy please let me be a boy i hate this body i hate this face i hate this hair and i would cry for days on end yearning so fucking bad for something that i thought was impossible, because in reality i knew that i couldn't change my gender, in reality i knew that was impossible, it wouldn't happen. but i still fucking prayed and wished and cried for so long wishing i wasn't a girl because i hated it and i hated it and i fucking hated it. i didn't know what being trans was. i didn't know transgender people even existed. i had never heard of that before, never even heard the word. i hated dresses and i wore "boy" pajamas and was comfortable with that, everything was i guess decent? but then all of a sudden i'm being shoved into these dresses and bows and ponytails and i'm given dolls to play with and fake nail polish that peels off hours later and before i know it everyone ignores my christmas list and what they're giving me is clothes with sequins and sparkles and they're giving me barbie dollar-general-edition makeup sets and i'm just taking it without question because i can't say anything, i didn't know any better. i would complain to my mom and what i was basically told was to shut up and deal with it and my mom was sorting through my old clothes one day seeing which ones fit and which ones didn't and i gave her a huge pile and she said, "none of these fit?!" and i replied, "they do but i don't like them." and she looked through them and said, "honey these are recently bought! we spent $60 on these things! these still fit you! they're cute and match your eyes, you look so good in pink—" and i yelled while beginning to tear up, "MOMMY I DON'T LIKE THOSE THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO WEAR THEM." and that was the moment that she screamed, and i mean screamed at me with a look of disgust on her face, "WHAT, ARE YOU TRYING TO BE A BOY?!?!" and her voice cracked when she said it and her voice was so high and she was crying and i didn't understand and i hated myself with a passion as i told her no.
she yelled at me that i picked these clothes out, she yelled at me that i wanted my walls to be lavender, she yelled at me that i wanted those pink and purple bedsheets, she yelled at me that i chose this, i chose these things, i chose those $60 clothes. AND I DIDN'T. I FUCKING DIDN'T.
and so the saddest thing i've had to live with?
knowing what being trans is now, but since i've had to live as a girl for so long, i don't care enough to be a boy. i don't care anymore.
the saddest thing i've had to live with is giving up on my heart, is giving up on being a boy, because one day i fell asleep crying as i accepted that i would never be anything but a girl, that i would never be myself. that i would never look in the mirror and be proud of what i see, that i would never fit into these clothes, this room, those dolls, those colors.
the saddest thing i've ever had to live with
is being pummeled so hard into the ground
that i didn't care about being a boy anymore.
because now i just think,
what's the point?
that is the saddest thing i've ever had to live with—
being a square that's shoved into the hole of a circle, and finally succumbing and fitting in.
because at some point you just stop caring.
at some point, after all that strength and effort and time you put into this thing, after all that hardship you had to go through, you finally come out on the other side and your only thought is,
what's the point?
so, the saddest thing i've ever lived with?
being shoved so hard into a dress that one day i looked at the jaded boy in the mirror with tired eyes and asked him,
what's your point?
and told him,
i don't care anymore.
and so he faded away. one day i looked into the mirror and he wasn't there anymore. all i saw was just a girl in a dress.
the saddest thing i've ever had to live with
is one day i looked into the mirror
and accepted what everyone told me i was
and convinced myself
that i was happy.
and convinced myself
that was who i was.
so now when i look in the mirror
at that kid with bruises on his heart and in his eyes
i ask him,
what was ever your point?
and he sobs into his hands as i tell him,
i don't care anymore.
