i'm suffocating without you
i thought i was burning
but no, i was suffocating.
my chest is gripped by something i can't understand, and my hands are shaking like a leaf about to fall in winter.
i'm pressing my palms into my eyes and i'm trying to hold back but the dam is going to burst and it's going to flood this town and drown everyone in it
i loved being alone because it gave me time to myself
but what i learned is that that is terrifying.
the silence is what kills you, not the screaming.
not the blaring of police sirens or ambulances.
i don't understand what i'm feeling but i know it's that i fucking miss you so bad and if i could turn back time i would
not to change something but just simply to live it again
because i'm forgetting your face and i've already forgotten your voice and it's terrifying me.
i can't do this alone
i'm a theurgist, i can heal
but there's a catch—
only physically.
my heart feels tightened like a rope is coiled around it
like a snake ensnaring a rat and it hurts and it hurts and it fucking hurts.
how could you choose your parents over me?!
how could you?!
it was supposed to be us, and only us.
it was supposed to be us against the world, not us against each other!
you promised it would be us, and you lied, you fucking lied!
you lied and you lied and you lied!
you broke your promise
you broke what you promised to me all those years ago.
you broke me
the five stages of grief:
1. denial
2. anger
3. bargaining
4. depression
5. acceptance
i'm fucking mad.
i'm mad that you chose your parents over me
i'm mad that you said you couldn't do that to them
but doing it to me is okay?
what the hell?!
you promised and you lied
you lied you lied and you fucking lied.
that was reckless and it was idiotic, but mostly reckless.
because you didn't think that through at all. because you went where your guilt did. because you followed your emotions instead of your head. that was reckless because in stopping one storm you created another, and it made me land right in the middle of it.
all i can do is stand here and watch everything get stripped off the ground, watch it get ripped away and thrown into oblivion.
and i can't reach it. i can't fucking reach it.
you've caused me so much fucking pain and suffering.
i was the toxic one?
no, it was you.
you were the architect of your own destruction, and managed to be the one of mine as well.
so i hope you're fucking happy.
i hope you're fucking happy, taylor.
i'm glad i was finally able to see how truly worthless i was.
you made me realize that.
thank you.
i thought you were different, but no, you weren't at all.
you tossed me aside when you were done with me, you threw me to the street and watched me die.
there are tire tracks on my body and you held the keys.
so fuck you.
fuck you for making me numb.
fuck you for making me cry for so long.
fuck you for flinging me straight into denial so hard that i got carpet burns.
fuck you for moving away.
fuck you for putting me into a prison of ice.
and lastly, fuck you for ever meeting me.
i would have been so much better off without you.
fuck you.
because i blamed myself.
fuck you
for being so god damn kind.
fuck you
for being the sunshine.
fuck this.
because the clouds had to come at some point
and fuck you
because when the clouds came over the sun,
i was blinded.
you are my sunshine, my only sunshine
you make me happy when skies are gray
oh please, oh please
don't take my sunshine away.
but no, it was my fault.
that's how they get you.
i expressed my love for you.
that's why i cannot talk about who i love
because it's for their own good, my own good.
it kills me and it kills me and it fucking kills me
but i cannot write a single word
i cannot write a single poem
i cannot write a single story
about them.
it kills me
because that means when they die
when i die
all that will be left of them
is my memory.
that is why i write.
to make sure that what i've experienced
lives longer than i do.
and that is why it kills me to stay silent
because i want to write about you
the way the astronomers describe the night sky
but i cannot
and it kills me and it kills me and it kills me
it eats me alive
because i want you to live forever
i want to write about you, i want to write you into poetry
but i can't.
i fucking can't.
because when i do, they are taken away.
so i am forced to put a hand over my mouth,
and tell myself,
shut the fuck up for your own good.
because this is such a pained existence
but if it means that the people i love will be kept safe
then i will do it for eternity
i'm sorry, taylor.
i still love you.
i promise, the back door will always be unlocked if you ever feel like coming back home.
i miss crying with you.
i miss staying up into the witching hours with you
i miss...
i miss
how we used
to carve our names into the stars
but the stars are dead
and our light
no longer shines in this world.
it's quite the somber scene.
