The Lovely Suicide Children

Chapter 50: The Lowest of Lows

Unsure of where I was and where to go, I just kept walking until I found myself somewhere in town. If Shayla was as old as she said she was, then I didn't have to worry about her catching up to me. I hoped.

With the razor in my hand, I began thinking about everything that had happened since I came. How I met Sunny and how she always wanted me to take some form of revenge on Shayla. I wondered if this is what Sunny always wanted to do, but through me. 

My feet felt cold, and I knew the sun was far from rising soon. A light from a running 24/7 gas station gleamed somewhere in the distance. I made my way to it, not sure what I would do there.

"Welcome to 'Stop & Shop Light,'" a man with a scrubby beard and hardcore biker vibes said to me. He smiled, but it was one of those forced smiles. Like he didn't want to smile but he had to or his boss would complain.

"Thank you," I said then wandered over to the candy aisle. I had no intentions of buying anything, and even though I was hungry, I didn't want to steal either. I slowly shuffled around, desperate for warmth. 

"Where are your shoes?"

I turned around so fast that I had accidentally knocked over a bag of Candy Corn. I picked it up, my hands shaking. The razor blade dropped in front of me. "Um," I picked it up and shoved it in my pocket, unfortunately cutting my hand in the incident.

"Are you on drugs or something, miss?" The man tugged at his beard, staring at me in a concerned way.

"No-no," I stammered while holding my finger.  

"What seems to be the matter?" He asked. "You're not stealing are you?"

"I'm not," I said quickly. "I guess, I'm just lost."

Just then, a tall man with soot all over his hands walked inside. He immediately went up to the counter. "Come on, Joe. I need those Swisher Sweets," he demanded.

The guy that had been talking to me left then went behind the counter. Using a key, he unlocked the tobacco cabinet and pulled out two cigar looking cigarettes. 

The man shook his head. "Give me the orange singles," he said. "Four of them." He then paid for everything using a five dollar bill. Ignoring the little bit of change Joel pulled out, the man then focused his attention on me. I recognized him very well. He recognized me too.

Quickly opening one of the Swisher Sweets, he popped one into his mouth without lighting it. "What on Earth are you doing out here this time of night?" Rose's dad said. "Are you lost or something?"

I didn't reply right away.

"Do you need a ride home?" He asked.

"I can't go back home," I said truthfully.

Rose's dad looked at Joe, and Joe looked at me. I could feel them all secretly judging me, thinking that I was crazy. Maybe I was.

"Well, I'm not gonna let you stay in here," he said, gesturing his head to the door. "Come on. Rose is home. You can stay over until the morning then we'll try to get things settled."

I didn't trust the man. I didn't know him. I didn't know what he was capable of. After all, he was a drunk, and Rose had made that clear to me. However, I didn't want to stay at the gas station with Joe. There was no telling what could happen around this time of night. At this point, my mind was blank. Anything sounded better than going home. With a nod, I followed him out to car.

...

"I'm pretty sure Rose is asleep," Rose's father said when we walked inside of the house. "But you can lay on the couch over there."

I looked at where he gestured. It was a raggedy couch, with holes everywhere. I thanked him and went over to it. I didn't bother to see or ask for Rose. I knew she wasn't all that keen on me being around her lately. I laid down, cold, hoping that the father was considered enough to bring a blanket, but he didn't.

"What am I doing here?" I whispered to myself, unsure if I referred to being in the house or just being alive in general. I physically heard the razor calling me. I heard my mother's echoes, calling me to come home. 

Home. 

What was my home? And where did I belong? 

Laying in the dark alone didn't bring any positive emotions. I knew what my mom wanted me to do, but I thought about all the warnings I had received before from Robert and Sunny. I remembered the dark voices behind the laughs of The Lovely Suicide Children. If my mom was truly okay, then what was the problem where she was? I understood that Sunny and Robert chose to be here, but here on Earth was much scarier.

I took the razor out of my pocket felt it in my hand. Amber's face flashed into my mind. Where was she? Was she with the lovely suicide children? Did they kill her or did they take her with them? I wasn't sure, and a lot of me wanted to find out. After all, I did make a promise...

Just then, I sat straight up when I heard the floor creaked. The lights came on, and Rose was standing there in a T-shirt and fuzzy pajama pants. She quickly walked over to me and gave me a hug.

 "Oh my God, are you all right?" She said. "I didn't believe my dad when he told me he found you at the gas station. What's going on?"

I slowly put the razor back into my pocket. I wanted to cry, but I didn't cry. I was sick of crying and sick of trying. I had a horrible headache and was starting to feel cold. 

"You're shivering, Olivia," Rose grabbed my arm.

"Yeah, I am a bit cold," I replied. "Can I take a warm bath?"

Rose looked at me funny. It was a weird question, but I was truly cold. Rose had told me that she could lend me some extra clothes, but I knew I wouldn't need it. Part of me felt broken like there was no possible way to fix me after everything I had gone through. There was no fixing any of this. There was no getting sunny back or that possibility of returning home to explain to my father what had happened only for him to lock me far away. That would be my life. Locked away in a jail cell or crazy house. And even though I didn't know what would happen to me if I ever had joined The Lovely Suicide Children, I knew it wouldn't have been as bad as it was for me here on earth. Here I had no potential, no friends, no family, and no hope of a better life.

 I smiled at Rose. It was one of those rare smiles. That smile when you knew you failed yourself and you failed a friend and anyone else who has loved you. I was about to do the most horrible thing to her, but I knew if I had stayed, it would've been worse. Rose didn't really want anything to do with me even though she convinced herself that she wanted me to be okay. I knew she was afraid. Afraid of me.

 I followed her to the bathroom and took the clothes she had given to me. She looked at me before I closed the door. I saw that unsure look in her eyes. That look of concern. All this time, she could have stuck by my side. It's was only when I was at the lowest of lows, that's when I deserved her helped. That's when I finally earned love. 

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