Victim (Glee)

13. Brittany

One month ago, I went through hell. Everything I thought was hell before - wasn't. I went through hell for real. I know, some people might think "get over it" and stuff like that. Honestly, I was working on it. Also, I would lie if I said that the only reason I was depressed was because what Quinn did, what she did was only a small piece of the millions of reasons to why I was feeling like depressed. I know Quinn obviously has problems with.. Obsession when it comes to people. I think that's it. I recalled the other time she touched me in a similar way and that was when she lied to me about putting that note in my locker. I would help her, I wanted to help her, it feels like she needs someone to actually care and just ask her what she gets out of doing what she does to people. It's not easy though, not now. I'm still not okay with what happened. I'm afraid that if I get the chance to speak to her - I'll snap.  Another thing that made me feel blue was that it sucked to have all these feelings inside, for someone, and you can't let the person in because you're so damn scared of how it might turn out. However, many things changed during just one month. I stopped talking to Rachel, seriously, the girl was too messed up. After the kiss, we only spoke once and even then she was acting really weird. I am like this, if I give you a no sign and you can't accept that I don't want you - I will avoid you. I still hung out around Rachel when I had to, for example when we were with Tina.. But I never sat next to her or spoke to her, and it was only in school. Me and Mercedes didn't go with them whenever Rachel was with Tina. She felt pretty bad about it sometimes but it was still her desicion, I didn't tell her to stop hanging out with Rachel, she chose it for herself after I told her that Rachel and I didn't speak. I didn't tell her why though. The thing that happened with Quinn, there was only one person who knew about it. Not Mercedes, not Tina, not Rachel. The only one who knew about it was Brittany. It wasn't my intention to tell her about it. It all began when I was waiting for practice to start - I had been sitting there for ten minutes without any of the girls or the coach showing up. Then out of nowhere, Brittany showed up with the same confusion I had. This was on the Friday the same week Quinn abused me, so I was still really messed up. When I saw Brittany, I instantly stood up and felt the nervousness take over my body. I mean, it was only natural, I didn't know her so well, all I knew was that she was friends with Quinn. How would I know, maybe they had the same personality? I just got really paranoid and didn't want to be around her alone. She asked me how long I had been waiting outside practice and I could barely answer her without feeling my lips shake. She noticed something was wrong with me. Brittany approached me and asked me what the problem was, I just backed away from her. I didn't notice how weird I was acting until I reached the wall and couldn't take any more steps back. So I sat down on the bench. I looked at her, I gave her a sign that she could sit down beside me. At first, of course, I didn't plan on telling her, it just slipped out in the middle of our conversation on the topic of 'How is Santana doing' which was pretty much what all my friends and family were bugging me about for the past weeks. Nevertheless, I started with the same excuses as always: stress, stress and more stress. She just looked at me, she told me she knew I was lying to her and that she wanted me to know that I could trust her, that she wasn't anything like Quinn. That's when I spoiled it, it felt like it was a opening for me and even though it had only gone one whole day of me shutting up about it, I couldn't keep it in anymore. It was kicking my insides, begging me to release the sentence 'Quinn sexually abused me'. Since that day, me and Brittany reached the phase you're in when you're becoming friends with a person, we came closer to each other by everyday that passed. My relationship with Quinn, whatever the hell our connection was, was over the same day it happened. She didn't talk to me after she noticed how my depression got worse by the days, neither did I speak to her. And neither did I plan on doing so.

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I wasn't fully recovered from my depression, of course. Things like that don't happen in a month, it takes time. And it's harder to recover from it because depression wasn't something new for me. I first had it when I had difficulties coming out as a lesbian to my family and my friends. I lost my relationship with my grandma because of it. She was my rock, but that's the past. However, when I came out after I turned fifteen, it slowly started to disappear, the freedom of being able to be and love myself made it easier for me to be happy. I mean, it was gone for the moment, but never was I fully recovered.. It's just something that's always there. Sometimes I notice it a lot, and for months I don't even remember it's an issue I have. But after all the confusion and mind games I've been through here, it came back. And as I said before, it wasn't only because of Quinn. There were other things bugging me, inside my head, and I couldn't control the voices in there anymore.