In love with my best friend

Painful

So I have this thing where I feel like it's time for me to start writing a next chapter. I usually don't publish a chapter a day after publishing one, but I had this want to write the next chapter. So please enjoy because thought went into it. Love you all and thanks for continuing to read!! The next chapter will be up soon! Promise!

~~~

You know when Bob Marley graced us with his voice and sang "Don't worry about a thing, cause every little thing gonna be alright?" Well it seems like an impossible thing to believe.

And maybe I shouldn't be trying to make myself feel better about my life and marriage with a song that's older then me.

But I feel as if I just need something that'll make me feel better about myself. My marriage was going down to shit, a marriage I dreamed about forever.

How can that be possible? For something you've wanted for a long time to not be as good as you imagined it.

I thought fate (or whoever decides where my life goes) was giving me a break, was giving me what I had wanted in life, yet it had given it to me, making sure it was bound to be broken at one point.

But that's the thing, fate doesn't really exist, it's usually just the decisions that people make that effect everything around you, right?

Nonetheless, my life felt like hell.

Adam wasn't talking to me, and it felt like we weren't just separated, it felt like we were over.

It was hard not to find myself crying about it. How do I began to fix my marriage when I don't know where it began to break in the first place?

Or maybe- well maybe it was broken to began with.

I sat patiently, biting me lip and tapping my foot on the ground, starring at the two double doors across the room.

Would Adam even show up for counseling?

He had promised he would, well before he basically said our marriage wasn't fixable.

But I knew deep down inside that he would show up.

He'd have to.

Even with our fight, he couldn't have meant what he said. I didn't mean what I said, at last I don't think I did.

So he'd have to come. Because I'm not the only one that wants to fix this, that wants us to go back to normal. I want normal again. I want to imagine a cheesy ass life with Adam, one where we have a kid or two and suck at parenting until we realize that there isn't really a right way to parent.

I want a life where we fight over things like what we want to watch or what we want to eat for dinner. Stupid shit like that.

But that seemed far fetched, and I couldn't imagine it anymore.

I reach into my purse that sat in the seat besides me.

I grabbed my phone out, checking the time.

We'd be called into counseling any second now.

I glance back up at the doors as they opened.
In walked a unrecognizable man, not Adam.

I shook my head, looking back down at my phone and checking to see if I had any messages.

None.

I put my head back, looking up at the ceiling. It was a plain, boring white ceiling, with a thin coat of dust and webs that were yet to be swept away.

What if he didn't show up? That would mean he wasn't going to try and fix us anymore.

Which meant what I feared most, and also thought would never happen, we'd be over.

Adam was literally, probably the only thing I had. I had no parents, no siblings, nothing.

So what exactly would I do if I lost my best friend and husband.

I had really screwed myself over.

"Teslows?" I close my eyes as our name was called. We were next, well I was next.

I stand up, grabbing my bag and dragging my feet inside the counselors room or whatever you'd call it.

She smiles at me, motioning me to sit down.

I take a seat, feeling embarrassed.

"Uh- I don't think my husband is coming today." She frowns, glancing over the door that had shut behind me.

She nods.

"Is there a reason? Is he held up at work or something?" She asks, arching her eyebrow.

"Not that I know of." I give her a forced smile. "And I don't think we'll be needing these counseling sessions anymore either." I add.

She nods, reaching forward and putting her notebook and pen on the middle table in front of her.

She pushed something over to me.

I look down at it, staring at the yellow box of tissues.

"Thank you." I grab one and attempt to wipe off the tears I didn't even try to stop from falling down my cheeks.

"What happened?" She asks. I look up at her. I shrug.

"Somethings just can't be fixed." I whisper, looking down at my hands. "Or they aren't meant to be fixed." I add.

~~~

I drove home in silence, with my stupid thoughts.

I felt horrible. I didn't know where to go from here and I wasn't sure how to figure it out either.

I didn't want to think about my marriage. I didn't want to debate whether it was over or not. All I wanted was to go to sleep and forget about this horrible day, or better, go drink it off.

Although it feels like every time I drink, bad things happen.

Like the time I got drunk with Adam and ended up sleeping with him. Didn't seem like a horrible thing at the time, but looking back at it now, it started the complicated "best friend" relationship I had with Adam.

It started us revealing our feeling for each other.

Maybe I was happier when I was just friends with Adam, secretly in love with him. But it wasn't so bad then. It wasn't as painful and as complicated as it is now.

It was easier. Although back then, I thought this would be easier, painless and smooth going. Everything I thought I wanted, yet of course it isn't what I thought it would be.

There's always been times with Adam where I felt like I was dreaming, but there's times like this where I feel like it just isn't worth the pain.

Is marriage really this complicated? Also if Adam and I hadn't gotten married, would it be easier?

We sure as hell wouldn't be going to marriage counseling.

But when we decided to get married, it was so anticipated that it felt so right in the moment. Of course now it feels like little thought went into it.

I sigh, running my hand through my hair, looking ahead at the road.

I should probably just get a hotel tonight. I needed a break from everything.

Time to clear my head that felt filled to the top with stress, worry and exhaustion.