DARYL
I killed her.
When the inside door to the tower clicked shut, so did my eyes. I dragged in one huge gulping breath after another. As shakin hands came up to cover my horrified, shame-filled face.
Never knew I was capable of such pure cruelty to a woman....to anyone.
Know I did it to Carol, when Sophia went missin. I was angry with her then....the way she just gave up her hope so easily. But that didn't justify me takin my own shit out on her.
Just as nuthin on this earth can ever justify what I just did to her....to Nate.
Hell!
I was furious just now, only it was way more than that. I was scared....terrified.
Aimed all my apeshit crazy at her and pulled the damned trigger.
As soon as that utter bullshit came out of my stupid mouth? I knew.
Nate ain't dead. But I just killed the one thing who might've kept me alive inside. The one good thing who's been giving me hope for so long now.
I slid down the outer wall of the guard tower and sat heavily on the concrete. Putting my head in my hands I started banging it back against the brick wall.
Over and over again....
Oh, Jeezus!
That look of utter agony on her face. Will never forget it, long as I live. Cos I'm the one who put it there.
Tried to stop her walkin away....shit....stumblin away. Like she were blinded. Tried to tell her I was sorry, that I didn't mean it. Could never mean any of what I said.
I tried I swear, but she either couldn't or didn't want to hear me.
Nate were like a walker, heard her moanin in pain as she fled. Wish she'd attacked me like one, cos it would've been no more than what I deserve.
My ol' man always said I deserved whatever I got....what he dished out to me. He was right.
And I've grown up to be just like him ain't I? A true sadist.
She didn't do anything wrong, not one little bit. Deep down I knew that, as things unfolded in the cellblock. And I sure as fuck know it now.
She came into the common room. That prick Tomas gave her a mouthful and she simply gave it back....end of story. No more than what I did.
I didn't understand what he said to her at the time, but I could see it in his eyes. The way he looked at her.
Wanted to destroy him then and there. Rip him limb from limb and wipe that predatory look from his face. Wanted to kill him all over again when Nate repeated what he actually did say to her.
Lucky Rick had already done it....cos I woulda found a way.
I GOT SCARED DAMMIT!
Petrified that I couldn't protect her....stop him from getting to her and doing what he wanted.
I just needed her away and out of there. Back in the cells with the others where she'd be safe again.
I know she can look after herself. Fuck....she's more than proven that to me time and time again already. Survived all on her own for so long, scouring the countryside for her family. Never once gave up on them.
Not really....not until she knew and finally accepted they're gone.
I honestly don't know where all that other stuff came from. The shit about her family. Not lookin for her....wantin to be rid of her for good.
Us not wantin her either. Takin her in under sufferance. Like an act of pity almost?
How the fuck did that even get into my head....let alone come gushing out of that asshole I have for a mouth?
The little niggle of memory that's been nudging me finally bloomed.
A long, long time ago....when I were about ten or thereabouts? I was the one who'd been lost and no one ever came to look for me.
Lost in the huge woods surroundin our little burg.
Didn't even notice for a second that I was gone. Never even noticed when I finally found my own way back home, over a week later. Got meself a proper hiding for missin school though.
Loaded all my own psycho crap onto Nate. Piled it on until I buried her under it. And now she's feelin how I feel....felt....for most of my life.
Lost....forever lost....
Way to go, Dixon!
Takes true skill, talent and years of practice to perfect being an asshole! Yer went and scored a slam dunk this time, yer prick.
Those words I said to her were so far beyond cruel....they're just pure evil. Like a hundred knives that I stabbed her with.
And that crap Beth spouted to me before I walked out here?
Poisonous little bitch!
I kinda knew she's like that. After all....Hershel had warned me. Yet I chose to believe what she said without even thinkin about it proper.
I shoulda spoken to Carol first....gotten the truth from her. Instead of believin that lyin sack of shit over Nate.
Nate, who ain't done nuthin but trusted us....helped us....became one of us.
Yeah, she gives me lip sometimes. It's only her teasin though, whenever I lay crap on her. Puttin me back in my box.
But always gentle like....never puttin me down.
I just wanted to give her a break. Let her know that she don't have to do it all alone anymore. She can let me, Glenn, Rick and T take her load off for a while. Allow herself to heal up inside.
But yer did what you always do, yer dumb prick!
Any chance yer can find to screw yerself over? Yer take it. Cos yer think that's all yer deserve.
Except this time yer took someone else down with yer. Someone who never deserved it....and never will. Someone that....well....
....just the thought of her in yer head? Kept yer goin when times were bad.
Gave yer somethin good to hang on to. So yer wouldn't sink into those awful places inside, the ones that are always waitin to welcome yer back again.
Gave yer hope.
This is one of those times....the worst time and place so far. And yer brought it all on yerself because yer didn't take the time to think! Yer just reacted like a damned savage dog....and bit her.
So now? I'll have to take whatever is due to me. I don't care, cos all I can think about....is her.
And how I just broke her....us. Maybe....
....beyond all repair?
YOU ARE READING
Home is You ('Home Is' Book One - Daryl Dixon)
FanfictionSemi-mature. Completed. Nate's a teenage Aussie tomboy. Who grew up in a country town with 4 big brothers and parents who adore her as much as she does them. She's strong, resourceful, smart and a bit of a smart-ass. But still just a girl. One who f...
