Climax (JESSIE J)

Chapter 12

I woke up the next morning with a banging headache. During the course of the night I'd manage to find some sort of alcoholic beverage and consumed the majority of the bottle. I hoped I wasn't becoming like my dad, drowning my problems in the bottom of a bottle. I brushed it off as I'd had a bad night and needed to take the edge off but aren't things like alcoholism hereditary? I rolled over onto my stomach. The weight on the fresh scabs on my skin felt like 1000 tiny knives digging into my skin. I winced in pain and pushed myself up onto my arms. My head was swimming as I lurched into the bathroom and threw up in the toilet. Once I'd emptied the contents of my insides into the bog I ran myself a bath. I added bubbles and bath salts and lit several tiny tea light candles.

I sank into the hot water and immersed myself in the calming scents of the salts. I checked my phone and through the crystal splinters that shattered my screen, saw I had a voicemail from Jess.

"Hi, Kayla, are you alright? Sorry I missed your calls I was at the studio until late. Claude was working me super hard because it was my last day. Got so much to tell you! Anyway , erm, I'm about to board the plane now so i'll see you soon! I love you, bye"

I put the phone carefully down on the floor, trying not to crack the screen anymore after last night and slipped all the way under the water. The sound of the blood rushing in my ears calmed me down. I tried to process what happened last night. My mum did love me, I knew that. I knew that he was lying and spouting shit because he was pissed out of his head. I knew what my mum was like and I  remember so clearly the days before she died. I remember my dad not being there, he was too far away and I remember watching her slip further and further away from me. I remember how that felt and I remember how much I hated my dad for not being there when she took her last breath.

It wasn't his lies that hurt me, it was his words. Worthless. Bitch. Dyke. They stung like a thousand wasps attacking my gut. The way his hands were all over my skin made me heave.

When I couldn't stand the humidity of the bath any more I pulled the plug and climbed out. I wrapped myself in a towel and wandered back into my room, shutting the door behind me. My tummy rumbled loudly but I couldn't go downstairs. I wouldn't. I dragged my bed across the room and barricaded myself in my bedroom, shutting the real world out. I slid out the clean canvas from underneath my wardrobe and grabbed my water colours from my draw. Sat in my towel, I began to paint.

I painted Jessie's profile first; her pale skin, clear complexion. Her emerald green eyes, button nose and full lips. I painted the slight blush she has in her cheek and her perfectly shaped eyebrows. Once her face had dried I began painting the background. All solid black at first and then I started adding light patches and spots of colour until, about 4 hours later I had created a large canvas of Jessie performing on stage. Her in the centre singing her heart out and a huge crowd surrounding her.

I closed my eyes and pictured her. Her smile, her laugh, her spirit. I imagined how crushed she would be if i told her what happened last night and how i dealt with it. I vowed with myself not to utter a word to her. It's not a lie, lies are vindictive, destructive, and this is one to protect her, that's okay isn't it?

It's going to have to be because I can't lose her too.

I never know what to write on here fgs :( Please vote + comment on what you all think of it so far xoxo