Climax (JESSIE J)

Chapter 43

I almost got lost in the kiss. I'd missed her touch so much but my head was stronger than my heart, it knew that we needed to fix this.

I pulled away first and pushed Jessie away slightly, regaining my balance and stayed silent until my head stopped spinning. We'd made our way into the living and Jessie's jumper was hitched up at her chest.

"What are you doing here Jess?" I whispered,

"I reacted badly earlier on, it was just a bit of a surprise. I wanted to apologise to Maisy" she replied, straightening herself out.

I scoffed and shook my head, "Holly called to say you were coming here so she didn't want to come home" I shrugged my shoulders at Jessie's shocked expression, "you really upset her Jess"

Jessie was silent for a long time. She fiddled with a loose bit of cotton on her jumper and the air in the room became thick and awkward.

"I miss you Kayla" she said finally, "I need you"

I laughed coldly at her, "then why have you been ignoring me over the past month? Why haven't you text me, or called me or come to see me?"

"Because I was fucking angry at you, Kayla, because you scared me and I didn't know what to do," she thought about it for a second, "so I just pretended that it wasn't real for a while, it was the best thing for me to do"

"What about me? What about what's best for me?" I yelled, "you didn't even try to get past it, try to fix it, to fix us!"

"I said it was the best thing for me not the best thing to do!" She screamed back, throwing herself down onto the sofa. She pulled her long black wig into a low pony tail so it was out of her face and when she spoke again she was quiet, "it wasn't easy for me you know, to cut you off like that"

"It wasn't exactly a walk in the park for me either," I mocked, slumping down in the love seat in the corner of the room.

"For what it's worth, I'm sorry for how I reacted. I'm not sorry for breaking up with you, because you really fucked up but, I don't know, I shouldn't have said some of the things I did," Jessie muttered, I laughed once at her brutal honestly but my thick skin prevailed and her words bounced off with ease. We fell back into the awkward silence.

"I've been seeing the therapist over here" I whispered, I don't know why I said it but I did.

Jessie's head snapped up to me, "what?"

"Yeah, I told you I would," Jessie's lips threatened to pull into a thankful smile but she fought it off well, "they've diagnosed me with MDD which is just basically depression and they've stuck me on some pills to make me feel better," I finished, staring at a mark in the paint on the wall,

"Has it made you feel better?" Jessie asked,

"Not really," I shrugged, "I mean I can do things now without worrying about then as much and I haven't felt the urge to cut as strongly as before, I can ignore it now if someone upsets me. But instead of feeling sad, the pills make me feel numb..."

"... And you don't know which one you prefer" Jessie finished for me, her voice flat and lifeless,

"Exactly," I sighed heavily and turned my body so I was facing her, "I kept two of my promises to you, I'm trying Jess, really I am"

Jessie nodded that she understood but stayed silent, I could almost hear the cogs whirring in her head.

"I have a really stressful few months coming up. I don't have a full day off until Christmas" she said, "I don't know if we're going to have anytime together, you being at Uni and me-"

"I've kind of dropped out of Uni" I admitted, picking at my nails

"What the hell Kayla?!" Jessie snapped, screwing her forehead up,

"Well I didn't go the week after we, you know, because people started talking about it and then my head was just kinda all over the place and I just couldn't sit through a lecture or class. I need to focus on getting better,"

"What about money Kayla, are you going to get a job or?" Jessie scolded,

"I don't know mum, I haven't really thought it through," I shrugged. I liked shrugging, nothing would get to me if I shrugged my way through life.

Jessie blew out a frustrated sigh, "what are we doing?" She groaned, sliding herself further down the sofa,

"What do you want Jessie? Do you still want to be with me?" I was afraid of the answer,

Jessie thought about it for a moment, I hoped she was trying to find the right words rather than trying to make her decision. I knew what my answer was without a second thought, of course I wanted to be with her, I loved her. I just prayed that she still loved me.

Jessie pushed herself up from the sofa and crouched down in front of me.

"I love you Kayla, I've always loved you but we're just not working right now" she said sadly,

My eyes stung at her reply but the war between my body and the tablets made me feel numb inside. I had no emotions. No tears.

"Jessie say the word and I won't bother you again, I just want to know where I stand so I can move on" I murmured,

"I don't want you to move on, Kayla, I want you to love me" she whispered bringing her face oh so close my mine

"I do love you Jessie, of course I love you" I stared down at her lips, and I felt her breath tickle my neck, "Jessie please kiss me,"

And she did, of course she did because she just told me she loved me.

"This is so wrong," Jessie groaned, pulling away, "this is not fair on you"

I stood up and wandered into the hallway, Jessie on my tail and opened the front door.

"You have two options Jessie, two words. Goodnight and goodbye" Jessie frowned at me, "if you tell me goodnight, you go home and you text me tomorrow after the show and we try and sort this out, because I believe we can sort this out,"

Jessie opened her mouth to speak but I didn't let her,

"Or you can tell me goodbye. And then we say goodbye and we go our separate ways. We delete each others numbers and we don't talk to each other again. We say goodbye for good"

Jessie's eyes bored into mine, misting a little more at everyone word I was saying.

"Which one is it Jessie? Goodnight or goodbye" I whispered, looking down at the floor, expecting the worst.

Jessie lifted my chin up and smiled at me, "I love you so much Kayla," she pressed her lips to my forehead and stepped out into the crisp night air.

"Goodnight."