A Weakness Called Love: Memoirs of an African Housemaid

CHAPTER 12: JELOUSY

I decided to see Mudi before I go to the market. I just can't get enough of him. After that intoxicating laugh, who will blame me. Shatu was not in the mood of going out. So I let her be. I almost forgot my promise to her. About Musa. But I shall make good my promise soon. Things are good with Mudi. Shatu shall have Musa also. I will start working on it when I get back home.
I had reached Mudi's house, when I said my Salam( Islamic way of seeking permission to enter a household, just like knocking in a conventional way) there was no answer. I decided to creep and eavesdrop a bit, there is no harm in borrowing a trick from Asabe I thought. I quietly entered their compound and I saw Mudi and Hafsat together. Standing at the entrance of their room,
She was telling him something, Mudi was grinning like a three year old. Then she looked away and smiled showing that coyness most girls possess but I was never gifted with. Now he was closer talking to her, their faces were inches apart she was giggling. I watched them in horror with pursed lips. She was no longer the cute Hafsa i know. In my eyes she was a vile hideous creature, trying to usurp what is mine, he ran a finger on her annoying cheeks. While she pouted and hit him sluggishly. If I stayed and watched any longer I will definitely puke. Witch I thought. Why doesn't he have any shame? Then again she is his wife and again they were within the confines of their matrimonial home unaware of my presence. He was about to do something, probably carry the toad when I decided I cannot watch anymore, I repeated my Salam in a loud voice, several times. They answered in unison, now that is annoying, why wouldn't she let him just answer? Why  ruin his  hypnotizing Husky voice? Why doesn't she has some self respect? I thought. She was getting on my nerves.

She exclaimed 'Ladi, welcome'. " good evening I said" I then glared at him when she was not looking. "Let me get you something to drink" she says. As she left I shot Mudi a deadly glare, He just smiled at me. Within minutes she was back with a covered silver cup of water. I took the cup from her, drank and then said, " I have brought rice and beans, do you want to buy?" No thanks she said. We have already eaten today. She said looking at him with a cunning smile. "We sure did" He said with a grin, His eyes never leaving hers. "Ok" I said. "I better be on my way."
I carried my tray, when I was about to go Hafsat said " GoodLuck Ladi, May you sell all that food with ease, May God protect you, God bless you my sister" she said genuinely.

Ordinarily I will have felt something, guilt perhaps. I felt nothing, nothing but coldness. I felt a venom inside of me. Only hatred and resentment towards her. "Amin" I managed to say. 

I was angry. I felt entitled to my anger.
In that  moment I realized one thing. I loath her not because she did anything wrong to me, but because she was married to my beloved. I decided I will do anything in my power to make him solely mine. When me and my beloved get married, She will either be that redundant wife or find somewhere else to be I vowed silently as I walked out, trying to conceal my anger.

I went to our spot, put my tray down and folded my arms with a frown as I waited for Mudi. But Mudi did not follow. I waited, first I started pacing, with fuming anger waiting to give him a piece of my mind. 20 minutes passed, Mudi was no where to be found. I stood on the huge well developed roots of the mango tree to get a better view. Still, Mudi was a no show. How could he, I thought. What was his problem?
An hour passed Mudi did not show. I carried my tray and went to the market, still hoping I will see him there. But he was not there also. He had stayed home. How hard hearted he must be. How could I blame him? This is all his wife's fault. The witch. Perhaps she has bewitched him. That must be it. She has use charm on him. I will have to undo her evil.
But deep down I know hafsat is a good person. I wished she will insult me or treat me badly perhaps then my hatred will be justified.

I had sold a lot of plates. When I became emotionally drained. I had to go home.
I went home. One look at me and my mother was dead worried. I told her I was sick. I had a Terrible headache. I lay down on our worn out mattress and let hot tears of anguish rolled freely out of my eyes. Drowning in my tears, with a sunken heart.Words cannot explain how I felt. My mother brought some herbs to me. To ease the pain she thought I was feeling. I pretended to drink, and kept the rest beside the mattress.

I wanted my mother to hug me. But I dare not ask. I know she loves me, but public display of affection Towards ones daughter was equated to not having proper values. It does not conform to the accepted rules of modesty.

Especially the first child, she was to be loved only at heart and ignored in reality. Acknowledging a first child is almost a blasphemy. So blasphemous that it was next to calling a mother or father in law by name. The name of the first child shall never be called by his mother. "Ke"( you)or "wannan"(this girl) was used to call a first daughter while "kai"(you) was for the first son. At least I am lucky I am not a first child.

The next morning I went to the market. Mudi  was there but he refused to talk to me. I sent a boy with his food. He ate and sent the plate back, with money for the meal. I sent back the money. Still, He did not glance my way. He left the Market.

Maryam was looking at all that unfolded. She exclaimed "da matsala" (there is a problem) .
That market day was the longest. When I went back home. I told my mother that the sickness had returned. She gave me herbs, I drank it knowing fully well I was healthy, but perhaps it might cure my heartache. The anguish and sadness I felt inside was overwhelming. I had to talk to Shatu. I went to Shatu's I did not even told my mother. I poured my heart out to her. She comforted me and promise to help. But "we have to wait until tomorrow." Shatu says.
How will I survive till tomorrow was the biggest question. I had no choice.

In the morning, I met my mother outside. But she was not cooking. I asked why, she told me I needed to rest. That I was sick.
"I am better mother, you should have cooked.i am not a baby"
"No, you need to rest" she insisted.
"Okay" I said because I was not in the mood to argue.
I bathed. Got ready, stood by the door and yelled "mother I will be at Shatu's"

I could hear hear saying something but I did not bother to listen. Probably telling me to stop and rest. I just rushed out avoiding another conversation.

Shatu and I agreed I needed to see him to clarify issues. We went to his house. It was decided it was better that I wait outside while Shatu calls him.

She called him, and left.
We exchanged greetings and he kept quiet. I expected explanation or apology. But I got neither. He just looked at me, without a word.

Every nerve in my body was tensed, every look sends chills down my spine. As he looked at me, I felt inadequate under his scrutiny. I wished i was prettier, taller, fairer and curvier. I wasn't enough anymore. I felt inferior to him. I had never been insecure, but before Mudi, the man with an effortless charm I was insecure.

I was tongue tied, but I had to be brave, I had to speak. I finally said:
"Mudi, I love you, more than I love myself. Why do you push me away. Why do you treat me like I don't matter. Have I done something wrong? Why are you punishing me? What have I done to deserve this treatment from you?" I was fighting back tears and my voice was cracking. I looked at him, he chew his lower lip and gazed on. There was no reply, only silence. I felt helpless , I did not want to cry in front of him. Exhausted I turned to leave.

Just then he grabbed my hand. And gave it a soft squeeze. My eyes widened, my mouth went open. What was he doing? He did not let go. I was now facing him, he was caressing my hand.

I couldn't bring myself to stop him from the blasphemy his hands were committing. I liked the atrocities his unholy hands were making. I loved every inch of the sin his manly calloused raw hands were committing. Damn I was doomed. 

I looked up, but was cought up with his insanely brown beautiful eyes, I quickly looked down smiling. I felt my heart beat increased its pace. He just smile and continued his sensual assault. In that moment I loved Mudi more than I ever did.

To love Mudi was to defy all the rules I know, all that I had grown accustomed to, all that I was taught, all I ever know. Yet it felt right, destined even. Forgetting him is not an option for me. How can I forget an essential need of my existence.

To me, He is like water, delicate, gentle yet powerful and consuming.

Not loving him will be easier, but I cannot bear his loss. How can I ensure without water? like drought dries up the earth and kills all living plants, this is what Mudi's absence does to me. His presence brings back the life in me, just like the first showers of rainfall revives the earth.

Ever since their wedding with Hafsat, I had wanted him. Now he is within my grasp and I shall grab onto him with a tight grip, like my life depends on it. No, my life depends on it, I cannot imagine a life without my Mudi in it.