A Weakness Called Love: Memoirs of an African Housemaid

CHAPTER 25: WHAT IS LOVE WITHOUT MARRIAGE

I had forgiven Zakiyya for the horrible thing she did to me. We are now friends again although I gave her a hard time before I forgave her. She was desperate for my friendship. I was the only friend she had.

I missed Mudi. Seeing Jafar and Zakiyya only reminds me of my village champ. They were a trigger to me, they were a constant reminder of the love of my life.

I missed Mudi to a point it physically pained me. In my experience I have noticed There are different types of pain: The pain resultant from fear, The pain resulting from a feeling of nothingness, the pain associated with despair and loss of a loved one, the pain of inadequacy, the pain of being lost and that constant aching sadness that won't go away. That was the kind of pain I felt, 'aching sadness that won't go away'.

I missed my Mudi terribly, more than words can express. I wish I could see him. I wish I was married to him, more importantly I wish it was at least certain we will get married. Nothing was certain at this moment. While Zakiyya's relationship was evolving into something magical, mine was crumbling into dust. Jealousy was consuming me like fire. I hated being jealous because it consumes me. Envy is a terrible disease. If Envy can be objectified I think it will look like leprosy only more lethal and disgusting. Most times I wonder what Mudi is up to, does he still wear our promise ring? I was in a hopeless situation. To ease my pain I Sometimes imagine Jafar breaking Zakiyya's heart, maybe that will soothe me, but he always disappoints me, he is a hopeless romantic who is totally in love with the shamed. I miss Shatu, I needed her counsel now more than ever.

I decided I can't watch this anymore. I had had enough. I needed to put my life in order. I needed to get reassurance of Mudi's love. I decided to do what I always did, 'run home'. I had a good reason for running home. I was going home this time to make sure I was betrothed to my Beloved. Only after then shall I return to the city. I will have to own a phone also before I get back. If the Shamed can get it, so can I.

Of course Zakiyya is an ungrateful girl, were it not for me she would not have been in the relationship from the start. Maybe I should stop helping people. People are betrayers. I was too kind, but in a weird way I still considered her a friend although I will never admit it. I decided to give her one piece of advise before I left.

So, I said to her
"Zakiyya, your have a beautiful relationship, it is said if two people are in love there is nothing better than marriage for them. I think you should go home and inform your people about the situation. The way I see it you are not getting anywhere by being all lovey dovey without future plans. I have decided to go home. To run home more accurately. If you want to tag along I won't stop you"

She was in thought, she knew I was right. But she was a girl terrified of everything. She was a girl ruled by fear. She was a scared cat that has zero courage to do anything. She was too submissive. Fear was evident in her eyes. Concerned, She finally said:

"You are right, but I can't. The main reason I came here is to help my grandfather. I can't leave without my pay, you know Hajiya will never pay me if I leave"

She was a girl who can give you a hundred excuses for not doing anything and non of those excuses were responsible for her actions, fear is the only thing she bases her decisions on.

"Hajiya will never let you go home until after a year and you know it. Do you have a year? How sure are you your wages will be relinquished to your grandfather not your father. Your grandfather is a man of integrity who is not blinded by material things. He will never fight your father or anyone over your wages. Before you came here, he made sure you were coming of your free will, he asked you several times before he agreed to it. Everyone in the village thought he was being over protective. I'm helping you here. The truth is your relationship with Jafar is a trigger to me. It triggers all the emotions I have for Mudi. I'm leaving with or without you. I cannot make the decision for you. Decide before tomorrow. What are you afraid of anyway? You have a phone for godsakes you can always communicate with Jafar. Staying here dosent help you at all. "
I concluded.