Fantasizing

Chapter 23

Chapter 23

20 hours ago ...

Ian POV

All I do anymore is look at my ceiling, wondering why I didn't go and get Zen when I had the chance. It's hopeless now. I've been doing this and thinking about this same situation for a month now. No matter what I do it reminds me of Zen. What the hell did she do to me?

I try to forget about her and continue to live my life as if she wasn't in it, but that isn't possible. Eventually I finally stopped fucking with Carmen, because she brought back bad memories that only lead to more thoughts of Zen. I tried to get into some other hoes, but it just wasn't working out.

I'm not sure if me not fucking with Carmen is permanent or not though. Of course I know it was the right thing, but shit lately it seem like everything wrong, so it don't even matter. I rolled out of bed and walked in the bathroom. Damn I looked like shit. I haven't gotten my shit cut in a while, my eyes were heavy with bags and my skin was a little pale. I sighed heavy, I really need to get my shit together.

I walked back in my room seeing ma standing at the door. She walked in my room when she saw me coming out the bathroom, and sat at the desk.

"Good morning ma'" I said stretching out on my bed. "Son, it's four in the afternoon" I unlocked my phone to see she was right, it was damn near five actually. I sighed. When the hell did the day go by?

"Why are you so down? What is wrong with you?" Ma asked. I was never really close to my parents in the last two years. Ever since I learned to drive and be on my own, it seemed like the company had just took off and they didn't give a damn about me or what I did.

I didn't really mind though, My childhood was over, but still then I was never close with my mama it was always dad, every time. Ma was just there, we never really had bonding time like that and if we did I barely even remembered it. It was just as if she was a stranger sometimes.

But she did always care. Every time I would cut my self, or get my feelings hurt, or any of that shit, there she was.

"Nothing ma" I answered, I was a big boy I did not need my mother's assistance. "Ian, I know you better than that, don't sit here and lie to me."

She got up from her seat and begin to rub my back in attempt to comfort me. I rose up at her touch making her hand fall off my back. She sat near me and looked at me with sincere eyes. "Every time I see you, you just look so dead. What's wrong?"

After a moment of silence when I didn't answer back she threw her head in the air. She looked as if she was thinking about something, then looked back at me. "Is it a girl?" I looked straight ahead and didn't say anything. She sighed. "Okay boy, you don't have to talk just listen. You are too good to be going around here looking sad and moping everywhere. If it's a problem, fix it. That's how you were raised and that's how you are going to be. If you don't like something take it into your own hands. You can't wait for something to get fixed by itself, because it may not get fixed if you take too long. If you want something take it. Everything just doesn't come to you. You're a Holt, you can't give up until you're at the top." She stopping talking and look at me with a frown on her face. Everything she was saying was right.

She looked at me for a moment longer and then rose up from her seat. She started for the door. "All I'm saying is, don't give up." With that she closed the door and left, letting me digest her little speech that she just gave.

I knew she was right, she rarely wasn't, but I couldn't just jump on a plane and fly to Phoenix.

Or maybe I could.

___

Within three hours I was ready. I had gotten my appearance together, packed some clothes, and talked to the flight attendant of the private jet. I was completely ready to go. I had even had the hotel in Phoenix save my room. I couldn't believe how easy this shit actually was, but then I remembered what ma had said "Your a Holt"