The Regret(Editing)

What Hidden Message?

It's been 3 painful weeks since Hobi last spoken to me. I've been sleeping on the couch in the living room, every night, crying myself to sleep. There were nights when I couldn't sleep at all because my mind would run like a marathon every minute. I was getting sick and tired of sleeping on the couch; I missed wrapping my arms around Hobi as we slept. I missed the conversations we would have about our day at work, cracking jokes at each other, Hobi whispering sweet nothings into my ear whenever I was having a bad day. But there has been no good mornings,  no "I love you jagiya" no "have a great day"no breakfast or lunch made for me...just nothing. The only reply I've got from him recently was,

"I'm coming home late...."  and that was it.

Ever since then, I've been coming home from work, run up to the room and organize my clothes for the week before Hobi and the boys would arrive. Hobi has been leaving for work at 3 in the morning while the rest still slept until mid morning. Whenever Hobi leaves to go to work, I would pretend to still be asleep on the couch until I hear the door to the front of the house close, just so I can go up to our room, shower, brush my teeth and change into my clothes before the boys eve realize that I've been sleeping on the couch. It was like playing a game only it felt like death trap because I grew more afraid of him. He never hurt me physically, but the way he would brush by me without acknowledging my presence, whether I was running short errands at the office, going to meetings and at home, made me feel more like a criminal. 

My body was growing more frail, stiff and weak because I haven't been eating well. I've lost my appetite for almost all the foods I used to enjoy. In fact every single piece of food tasted like nothing; just like how I was feeling...nothing.

Hobi has been keeping me away from both dance studio and recording studio just by the slamming of the door when him and Alex were about to rehearse. I couldn't do my work properly, I barley had anything to work on because Hobi has been keeping me away from everything he does. I dropped stacks on paper on the floor and had to re organize them, eve when my colleges offered to help, but I just said no. I accidentally deleted several emails when I accidentally slept on my laptop at my desk. I spent several hours overtime almost everyday because I had to rewrite the emails I've accidentally deleted. I suffered constant agaonizing headaches that kept me from doing my job right. Nothing was going well for me and I had minimal support from Hobi. It was like being sucked into a blackhole and I never wanted to come out. 

I was called into the office because PD-nim needed to talk to me. I knew it had something to do with me and I epected a big lecture from him. I got off my chair, grabbed my things and headed to his office down the hall. I knock on his door and he yells for me to come in. I walk in and PD-nim, who was reading emails off his computure, turns his head to face me and gives me warm smile.

"Anneyonghaseyo,PD-nim" I bow as I used my long hair to cover my tired and pale looking face.

"Anneyonghaseyo Y/N shi. Please sit down" I grab the chair that was in front of me and sat down.

"I've noticed you've not been yourself for the past three weeks. I understand the stress you've been going through telling by your face Y/N shi" He says and I sink into my seat with shame and embarrassment.

"I'm sorry PD-nim. I haven't been able to do my work properly" I say apologetically.

"Hoseok hasn't been communicating with you about about the mixtape release or his music video production, I see." I says rubbing his forehead.

"PD-nim, I've been trying to communicate with him about it but he's been keeping me away from everything. He communicates with Alex more than me and I barley get a chance to work with her because he keeps her all to himself. I don't know if he loves me anymore, I don't what to think. It's keeping me from doing my job that I absolutely love, unfortunately." I say looking down.

"Hoseok has been keeping up with me about it. But I do suggest you go and discuss this more with Hoseok." He takes off his glasses and turns his chair to face me "I've known you and the boys for a very long time and I know you're a dedicated and hard worker. You all are. But since you and Hoseok are a married couple and each others colleagues and back bone, you have to do what's right to keep your happiness and work life at a healthy balance."

I listened to him with intent while still trying to get my brain together "I know he has no intentions of replacing you with Alex, hurting you or keeping things from you. Trust me his heart is too strong to not do any of those things" He smiles at me genuinely. "However, if you need time off you can always feel free to tell me. You've been working 10 hours a day these past weeks!" 

"I will try PD-nim. But I an assure you, he won't cooperate with me" I say with my head slightly down I get up from my seat. "Thank you PD-nim. I'll let you know when I need it" I say trying to smile but it was obvious that I was growing nervous. Just as I was about to leave I hear PD-nim call for me and I turn around.

"Before you go, I just want to tell you this...when someone loves one another, it hurts. Of course it hurts like getting punched in the stomach but it's the love that a significant other wants to show but chooses to hide it.  A love that strong should not be kept hidden but what lies behind that love is a hidden message. The message is hidden because it's a special gift, that is waiting to be opened." 

I was at a lost for words and I didn't know how to respond. I nod gently and thanked him for his insight and left his office. I headed downstairs to the parking lot and got in my car. I put on my seat belt and take out my phone. I look at the photo of me and Hobi laying on the grass, surrounded by colorful flowers, happily holding hands. I started choking up at the sight of the picture and quickly put it back in my purse. I started the car  and was about to take off when I instantly thought of what PD-nim just said to me earlier.

"What did he mean by "Behind that love is a hidden massage? What was that special gift waiting to be opened?"