The Regret(Editing)

I Don't Want To Lose Her

I can still feel my heart empty with sorrow. The stillness and quietness of the room felt like I was sinking into a dark whirlpool. I was in pain. My body was in pain. My heart and soul was in pain. I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling wondering why I'm putting so much thought and torture in what I'm doing. It's been almost an month and still I couldn't bring myself to stop this painful torture and snap out of it. Why is this tearing me apart?

I look at my phone and see it was still early in the morning and decided to wake up and get ready to head out. The house was painfully quiet and I was afraid that a small noise like a drop of a pen would wake up the whole entire neighborhood. I step out of the house and locked the door and get in the car and drive to work. The quiet road and the smoothness of the tires gliding along the pavement felt slightly therapeutic. My thoughts were still running like crazy and I was desperate to let it out once I get to work. 

I arrived to work and get inside the building and work on some paperwork for a couple of hours. My empty stomach twisted in pain and lack of fluids was slowly taking my energy away. I stayed in my work place all day until my body said it had enough and it was time for me to head home. I arrived home around 11pm, took of my shoes and place them on the side. Again the whole house was quiet and I slowly made my way to the room. Before I went upstairs, I stop by the living room to see my wife, sleeping on the couch. I walk in and kneel down beside her, admiring how beautiful she looked, despite how harsh I've been treating her. I hated not having her sleep in the bed with me. I missed her touch, the sweet scent of her hair as her back was facing mine as we slept. I missed holding her and telling her how beautiful she was and how much I loved her. I hated how I made her become afraid of me.

I gently caressed her face and lips, smiling at how innocent she looked as she slept. I slowly pecked her on the lips and pulled the covers to cover her feet that were sticking out. I stood there for a couple of seconds and head upstairs to the room. Again I'm welcomed with an empty bed and put my stuff away before heading into the shower. After 7 minutes of showering I put on some shorts and a plain t shirt and get into bed. Again, I still couldn't get myself to sleep no matter how hard I tried. I take the photo of our wedding day and look at it. I still remember that day so well. I was happy that I married the one I loved and couldn't wait to spend the rest of my life with her. She looked so beautiful in that wedding gown and her smile took over the whole entire ceremony. I cried tears of happiness and the boys just stood there and laughed, but I didn't care. All that mattered was that I finally had her.

The thought of it made me stay up a little more until I fell asleep and woke up three hours later. As usual, I left the house early and head to the building. I head to the dace studio and quickly started rehearsing. Two hours later Alex, comes in with a duffle bag.

"Hey! I see you're here early again" She says

"Yeah. I'm just going over a few steps" I say lowly

"Ready to start rehearsing the routines?" Alex says putting her things down.

"Yeah sure" I say shaking my body lose a bit.

She puts on the music and we immediately start rehearsal. I tried to perfect each and every step possible but none of them seem perfect to me. I was getting more upset and still kept going. After practicing for two hours we decided to take a break, but I still was not happy with my steps and turned on the radio again.

"Hoseok! Take a rest, please!" Alex yells over the music but I just ignore her.

She lowers the radio a bit and walks to me.

"Hoseok, you're doing too much and you need to rest a bit" She exclaims

"No. It's fine, I'll take on later. It still want to perfect some of the steps a bit more" I say to her

"You've been saying you'll take a break later for the past couple of weeks Hobi. You know how much it upsets Y/N" she says calmly

"How do you think I feel!?" I yell "You don't think I noticed!? I'm slowly deteriorating every time I see her upset!" I choke

"Then why are you putting so much torture for yourself and her then? You won't even let her take part in the lyrics to the mixtape" she says

"I-I-I don't know why! Ever since the celebration party for our comeback I can't even look or talk to her. It's killing me!" I cry out

"She's your wife and you can tell her anything. Just go and tell her" Alex says as she pats me on the shoulder.

"I want to but I don't know why I can't bring myself to." I say holding back my tears

"I'll be in the studio then. You go ahead and practice but I'm telling you, she'll understand" she nod and heads out. I raise the volume of the radio and start rehearsing again for the next couple of hours. 

It was around 12:30 pm and I was exhausted from practice. There was sweat all over my body and hair and I needed to cool off a bit. I step out the practice room and was about to head out to work with Alex in the studio when I open the door to see Y/N talking to Alex. My heart raced again when I heard my wife ask about the lyrics that was in her hands. 

"What's that in your hand?" I point at the papers in jagiya's hands

"Oh..these are the Korean lyrics to Day Dream and Airplane"

"Wait! What!? No! you can't look at those!" I says angrily and quickly runs up to her and take from her hands. I was really confused with the sudden change in my voice and action that I didn't have time to tell what was really going on.

"Why!?" She asked

"Y, y, you just can't look at them!"I fold the papers in half and tucks them under my arms.

"Wait? Why can't she look at them, Hobi?" Alex asks with concern

"Look, sh, she just can't!"I place my hand on my forehead, rubbing the bridge of my nose.

"Why can't I work on the lyrics to your mix tape, Hobi!" she stutters

"You just can't jagiya! Just go to the office" I say harshly. 

"Lets go rehearse, Alex" I say to her and she follows behind me. Y/N eventually follows behind me.

"Can I at least tell her what it's abo-"

"No!' I cuts Alex off. "She can't!" I give a frustrated sigh. "Alex, lets continue rehearsals please" I walk back to the dance studio, Alex follows behind, confused. Jagiya catches up behind us. Before entering she grabs me by the shoulder and I face her. My eyes were filled with anger, guilt, pain and pity. I didn't know who I was at this point

"Well can I at least stay and wat-

"No!" I shout angrily at her making her jump back a little.

"Can I at least talk to you for just a second Hobi?" She protests

"N,no just go Y/N. You can't be here" I sigh once more "In fact you can't watch us rehearse for a while." I close the door on her before she could say another word. I roll my back against the door on to the floor, ashamed of what I just done. I get up and turn on the radio and raise the volume and walk back to the center of the room and sit down. Shutting the door in front of my wife made me sick to my stomach. I can almost hear her crying through the door, even though the music was high, and I let out a frustrated and muffled scream against my palms. 

Alex comes over to me and kneels down. "I understand you don't want to tell her until it's the right time, but just know that if you keep doing this, you're going to lose her"  

"I love her so much that I don't want to lose her. Why am I such a coward? I need her!" I cry out

Why am I so afraid to tell her? Why am I making her become more afraid of me?