One Last Chance: A Nymphadora Tonks and Remus Lupin Love Story

XVI

I'm going to apologize in advance for this chapter being slightly shorter than the others. I couldn't exactly lead into the Battle of the Astronomy Tower and I spent this chapter talking about Remus's feelings. It's probably a very boring chapter, but I hope you read it nonetheless. Enjoy!

Remus couldn't do it anymore. He was so freaking tired of everything. Full moons were so much more painful. Tearing himself away from Tonks was painful. Sirius, James, or Lily were no longer there to support him. They were dead. Dead.

That's when it finally hit Remus. They were all dead. And he would soon be the death of more people he loved. He'd nearly killed his best mates in an accident with the moon and one of his transformations. What exception would his loved ones who were sill in the land of the living be? He couldn't let them risk their lives for him.

He sobbed tears of mourning and so much pain. His heart was being torn into pieces. His head hurt. Images of the people he loved flitted in his mind. James. Sirius. Lily. Harry and the rest of his friends and fellow students that he had taught. The Weasley family. Dumbledore, who'd been like a father to him. His professors and former coworkers. Tonks...

The last one came as a shock to him. He wasn't going to fall in love with her. He refused to. But somehow, his heart had made it possible. He found himself beaming ear to ear as soon as she walked in the room.

But her usually charismatic and brilliant personality had somehow eroded and wasn't like it was before. Her hair, a symbol of her warm and loving character, had faded to a dull brown. Her eyes had lost its delicate sparkle. She no longer walked tall, but instead with a slouch. The smirk had been wiped clean off her face. What was wrong? He had become so frustrated. He finally understood how James had felt when he was with Lily.

He desperately wanted the old Tonks back. What had happened? He sobbed once more, knowing that the girl he had fallen in love with was unhappy and sad. And he couldn't figure out why. The salty tears refused to stop flowing. Remus began regretting every decision he'd made. He'd been so happy doing his years at Hogwarts, but what if he'd never attended? What if he'd never joined the Order? How much different would his life be if he'd never existed?

So much pain... it was so hard to keep fighting.

He could give up here and now. But where would that leave the rest of the world? Living under Voldemort's rule. Innocents would be killed and slaughtered ruthlessly. Muggleborns and Half bloods alike would be hunted down to extinction. Half breeds, like himself and Hagrid, killed. Blood traitors, such as the Weasleys, would be hunted down. Muggles weren't safe, either.

This was the only reason he kept fighting. For those who would come after him. So they'd live a more peaceful life. But what difference would one soldier make?

Life became so pointless.

He stopped visiting people after a while. Remus just sat by his window, sipping his tea beige it got cold. She stopped having those lunches and afternoon teas with Tonks, knowing that if he spent anymore time with her, he'd be unable to stay away from her. 

He began regretting ever meeting her. He should have known he would've fallen for her. Flashbacks of her smile made him even sadder, knowing Remus wouldn't be able to see her again without losing control of his emotional.

What would they do? What would Sirius and James, two of the kindest and most hilarious people he knew, do? What would Lily, one of the most sensible people he'd met, do? What would they do if they were in his place and had his condition?

He sobbed again. He was such a coward. All he'd done was run from her. He was going to end up killing himself on these missions or going insane. And he didn't want to see her face when that would happen.

Oh, how he could just imagine the pain the Order would face at his death. But her pain would be unimaginable. What would difference his life make in the world. They'd get over the pain wouldn't they?

But did he love her enough to cause this much pain for himself? To stay away from her? The answer, Remus knew, was yes. Loving her would be selfish and he'd only cause pain for the both of them. Knowing it was him who'd ruined their lives. Knowing it was him who'd cast them out of society. The Order had only been instructed to tolerate his presence, not care for him. But outside the Order, they could never be happy.

Being forced to move around a lot. Barely having any money. She deserved so much better than him. He knew in his heart he loved her. That was why he'd been staying away. She was going to find a handsomer and wealthier husband at the Ministry, right? No point in causing pain for her now. He wanted to make sure she'd survive this war, so she could have a better life.

No doubt he loved and cared deeply for her. Tears fell once more. He couldn't marry her. They'd never be happy outside of the Order.

Some time had passed before Remus received the message that the Order were to arrive at Hogwarts. A bloodshed was about to take place.