Brian Quinn One Shots

Take You Down

Inspired by -Take You Down by Illenium
TRIGGER WARNING: self-harm

My eyes are heavy as hell but I manage to open them with a few attempts at blinking. When they adjust to the light above me, I recognize my location and attempt to sigh out my frustration. I'm in the hospital. I didn't mean to cut so deeply into my thigh but I just didn't realize how hard I was pressing. I cough as I move to sit up and I see Brian quickly running to the side of my bed "Hey" he solemnly says when his fingers brush against mine.

"Hey babe, thanks for being here when I woke up." I say back to him, the pain in my heart easing just a little knowing he's next to me right now.

He replies "yeah, I just wanted to make sure you were alright. But I gotta go back to work so uhhh, I'll just call you later?" He asks but doesn't wait for me to answer.

I call after him before he can leave the room "wait, you're leaving?" I actually sit up in the bed.

"I don't want to be here right now Y/N. Do you know how hard it was just watching you lay in that bed after what you did?" He says harshly "your brother called me and told me how he found you, you lost all this blood and he didn't know if you'd survive this time." His voice almost yells as he repeats "this time?"

"I'm sorry" I barely get out, trying to hold back the tears. I never meant to hurt him doing this to myself. "Please. Don't go." I plead, needing to explain myself to him.

He sighs, but takes a seat back down in a chair in the corner of the room. We sit silent for almost an hour before he says "why? Why did you do this? Are you that miserable with me?"

"What? I'm not miserable at all. I've never been happier." I return to him.

He rolls his eyes and puffs out a strong breath of air "then what is it? Cause I sure as hell cant understand."

I try to explain to him the way I felt, the way I feel and why I do this to myself "it's like, there's this voice inside me, and it screams out for help. Ever since the first time I cut myself it's been there. And being with you actually made it disappear, it was so new to me, so foreign. And then last night I was just at home lying in bed thinking about how happy I was, how great things were going and I just got so high. I've never felt so high before. And then I got scared, so fuckin' scared. Like, I knew something bad would happen, something would tear me down and kill me. The only out I saw was to hurt myself. It's been the only escape for me for so long."

"Why couldn't you have called me? Talked to me about what was scaring you?" He asks. "I've never felt so much pain before seeing you here like this. It was literally like I was in hell."

"And I'm sorry, I didn't mean to put you through that. But Brian, I was just trying to escape out of my own hell."

He shakes his head "I don't get that. How does cutting, hurting yourself, make you feel better and make things okay?" He adds "I mean, I've been through depression. You know that. Why didn't you tell me about it?"

He has so many questions and I don't have many answers for him. It's so hard to explain why I do what I do. I try though, knowing he deserves to know "I just didn't want to burden you with this part of my life. It's like I'm living this life that's like a razor, and things can be good and good and then suddenly it cuts and you know when you get cut, you bleed. And I just need to bleed, to let out the pain so it can heal again.

"But you're the one hurting yourself." He replies "why?"

I answer "because I'm just this little girl in this huge deep ocean and I can't keep myself up the entire time. I get tired of swimming or I get afraid of what's surrounding me and the only sort of control I have is this moment of pain I get to inflict and when it's over, I'm swimming for air again, coming to the surface for life."

Brian sighs as he stands up and walks over to me. He takes hold of my hand and says "I can't say I understand what you're saying or feeling. I mean, I've felt like dying before, felt like hurting myself and ending it but I never actually did it."

I say openly to him "and I hope you never do because it's always in the back of my head when things get bad. It's always a struggle to push it out and sometimes it wins."

He replies "y/n, promise me you won't do it again? Please? I can't see you like this ever again."

I sigh, knowing that I can't make that promise"Brian, I can't."

"What do you mean, you can't?" He questions "just promise me. You can call me when you're feeling that way, I'll drop everything. You don't have to be alone when your feeling hurt."

I answer "I told you, this voice is always in my head and I can't promise I won't do it again because I might. I don't want to, but I can't promise."

He pulls his hand away "you can't even try?" He asks now.

I shrug "I've been trying. For years. I don't know how and it wouldn't be fair to you to say I promise and then break it and put you through all of this again."

"So, what are you saying?" He asks another question.

"Maybe you should go, maybe we shouldn't be together anymore." I tell him, my voice in a whisper. It's not what I want, not at all, but I know I can't make that promise and keep it. Brian deserves someone who can make promises, keep promises and not hurt him like I've just hurt him.

"You're serious?" Is all he gets out.

I nod once and reply "I don't want to take you down with me, Brian. It would hurt me more being with you and hurting you then not being with you at all."

He goes to say something in return but closes his mouth. Although I tried to prevent the tears from falling I couldn't, and they are sliding down my cheek. Brian slowly turns away from me, but then quickly rushes out the door. I let the sobs escape my mouth as I feel the pain of losing him. I move my hand to the bandage wrapped around my thigh and push hard, letting that pain take more control then the one I'm feeling in my heart.

A/N: please, please, please do not, in any way, harm yourself!! There are so many other ways to let out your pain then temporarily hurting yourself. I've been there, it doesn't solve the problem. I always hesitate writing chapters with these kind of triggers because I don't want to romanticize it. But I really love the song this imagine is inspired by and enjoyed putting characters to it. But again, if you or someone you know is engaging in this dangerous behavior, have a conversation with someone or with them. There is a world full of people out there who are willing, ready, and able to help you through it. You . Are . Not . Alone.