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Chapter 27

"Are you okay, Luke?" Michael asked me.

I'm not okay. I promise, I wanted to answer. It was just like me to make a song reference out of something serious. In all honestly, I'm really not fine at all. I was up all night bawling my eyes out. I want to die. I wasn't okay.

"I'm just tired," I told Michael. "I wasn't able to sleep last night." That may be the only thing I said that was completely true. I was up all night crying, which prevented me from sleeping. I was tired of living—what I said wasn't specific, but it was still true.

I guess Michael had fun with Ashton yesterday. A lot of friends were separated in the making of the groups. Some people were lucky, like Francesca and James. Some lucky pair of people were able to stick together in the groups, but most people were unlucky. Ashton and Michael were separated like most others, but they got to see each other again yesterday. I was happy for them. But Michael seemed a little bit down today, knowing that he wouldn't be able to see Ashton until lunch. He didn't seem concerned with his own problems, though. Michael was concerned with me. He was constantly asking if I was okay. I guess it was nice to know that Michael cared enough to ask, but I didn't need Michael to care. I didn't want him to care.

Michael continued to walk next to me as we were playing some sort of game. We were playing a game with a compass (apparently it was a life necessity to know how to use them), and we had to look for signs that the compass was supposedly going to lead us to. Michael and I knew how to use a compass pretty well, but some of the directions were off.

We didn't talk to each other. Usually, Michael would talk about who knows what. I didn't mind Michael talking. In fact, I liked hearing him talk. Talking made Michael happy, and I liked seeing people happy. But Michael was completely silent, almost as if he were completely mute. I could sense that Michael was sad, and it was coming onto me, therefore making me sadder than I already was. I wanted to ask Michael what was wrong, but I knew I couldn't help him. I was utterly useless. I couldn't help anyone or anything to save my life.

"Okay," our instructor said, "this was the last direction on the paper. You guys are free to go to your next activity!"

All the girls were practically obsessed with this certain instructor. His name was Daniel, and he was British. I had no idea what a British person was doing in an American camp that was on the opposite coast, but I guess Daniel found it nice here. Michael said he immediately liked Daniel when he heard his name, and that was because the instructor had the same name as Michael's stuffed lion.

Michael and I started to walk to the dining hall. We were still surrounded by silence, and none of us dared to make a sound.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Michael asked. I guess he did dare to make a sound.

"I'm sure I'm okay," I replied. I didn't look Michael in the face at all.

"I don't think you're okay," Michael said. "You're not acting like the Luke I know."

"Then perhaps you don't know me at all," I snarled under my breath. Thankfully, Michael didn't hear my snide comment, and we continued walking.

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5/15/14

[Still] Day 4

Dear Calum,

I can't take it anymore. I want to die.

I have no reason why I feel this way. I guess I just feel melancholic. All of these past memories are suddenly filling my brain. I can't help but suddenly remember all of the mistakes I'd made, and it makes me hate myself even more. I can't help it. I just want to find a way to annihilate myself completely right here and now.