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Chapter 34

6/19/14

Dear Calum,

You're my boyfriend. *Insert smiley face with a very long nose that would make this letter extremely informal.*

I like calling you my boyfriend. I like the way it feels when the words roll off of my tongue, whenever I think of it in my head. It just feels so right.

I am a bit scared, though.

I'm not sure when I'm coming to you, or if you're coming to me. My mother actually forbade me talk to you—I'm obliging to ignore her command, since I'm almost eighteen. Even then, I can't just run away from her. She will always come after me, even when I'm at the age of thirty and hopefully married to you—she will find me, and she won't be happy with me...

Not only that, but I'm scared for us. I have no idea when we'll meet each other in person, and that's what scares me. What if what we have doesn't last? What if one of us feels tied down and doesn't want to put up with the other any longer? What if you find someone better than me?

There are so many things that I'm afraid of, and I hate the fact.

I want to be happy with you, Calum. I AM happy with you, but I'm scared.

I'm really sorry for you, Calum. Your boyfriend is a coward and a liar. It's not going to take you long to find someone else, is it?

Forever Yours,

Luke

 

✘✘✘

 

Job hunting wasn't exactly the best, but it was all I had to do. Money was the only thing going through my mind right now. I need money. I didn't think Liz or Andrew would just willingly give me money to buy a plane ticket to go see the boy I'm not even allowed to talk to.

Liz was perfectly all right with me getting a job. She even contacted some of her old college friends to see if they could hook me up with a job. Andrew didn't have anything against my looking for a job, but he did mention (quite frequently, in fact) that I was going to be eighteen soon and that I should move out.

Ever since I was in middle school, I feared the thought of life after high school. In elementary school, all they ever told us was that you graduate high school, possibly to go college and/or university, get married, buy a house, have some kids, grow old, and retire. But there was so much more to that. Money made up most of my worries. How was I going to pay for university?—could I even afford it? How was I going to pay for my home, and the bills that my home will come with? How was I going to get a job that gets good pay? Don't even get me started on the subject of family.

I never put much thought into family. I wasn't sure if I was going to get married or not (yet the idea of seeing a matching set of rings on mine and Calum's fingers greatly appealed to me). I knew for a fact I didn't want kids. It's not that the idea of kids didn't appeal to me—I love kids very much, but there's a difference between liking kids and wanting to have one or some of your own. I never thought myself responsible enough to care for a child. There was also the constant fear that I would end up like Liz and Andrew, and I would rather die than have my child go through what I went through.

I sighed, looking at the many copies of my résumé. I don't know how many jobs I applied for. I started out simple, just as a simple assistant or bus-boy (as I applied to work at some restaurants and diners), since I didn't know if I could handle such a big job yet. I looked up from my stack of résumés, and I sat down on a bench. I waited at the stop for the Orange Line, and I decided to go the job that makes me feel at home: the library.