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Chapter 40

Stressed because of school? Feeling sad or depressed? Think you need help? Well, you're in luck, because UCLA is offering FREE counseling sessions for students in need!

Ha.

"Luke, you okay?" Michael asked me. "You look like you're about to cry."

"Car exhumes got in my eye, sorry," I lied. We were walking past all the cars in the parking lot, so it did make sense. I didn't know that I was about to cry, but the poster that Michael and I had just walked past kind of got to me. Yes, I was stressed out.  It's already April, and you'd think I would have been on top of myself. But no, I had a ten-page essay for philosophy due tomorrow and I haven't even started. I've also been getting no higher than a 79% on exams. Oh, yes, the university life is suiting my perfectly.

Soon, Michael and I made our separate ways. I waited in the halls until my first class started. I didn't really do anything. I just put on my Beats headphones (which were a birthday present from Ben and Jack. I personally asked them not to get me anything, but I wasn't going to deny their gift) and read whatever book I got my hands on. I decided to reread the Harry Potter series, because why the hell not?

After about ten minutes of waiting, I walked into my professor's classroom, and the dragging lesson that was philosophy began.

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It wasn't the greatest feeling, crying for no reason in the middle of nowhere.

It wasn't like hiding in the bushes was going to help. For one, I was getting myself covered in mud. Adding on to that, I wasn't the shortest person on this campus, and someone was destined to find my head peeking out of the bushes. When they do, seeing an eighteen-year-old boy hugging his knees, rocking back and forth, and bawling his eyes out won't be the prettiest sight. But hey, that's how I was at the moment.

At the same time, it felt a little bit good to cry. I was never one to tell people my problems. In fact, I despised telling people my problems with a burning passion. They were my problems, and I do not need to tell another person and add on to their own. People have their own issues and they don't need to hear mine. I never even told Ben and Jack. I guess I was always like this, bottling up my emotions to the point where I would explode. Crying was a way of letting it out, and it actually felt nice.

I was actually considering those free counseling sessions.

At the same time, seeing those posters hung up everywhere made me angry. I didn't want to tell some person about my problems, about how I was feeling. I also didn't need them telling me how to make myself feel better. It wasn't like it was going to benefit me in the end. Besides, I was a lost cause, and it would do absolutely no help at all.

If there was one thing right with those posters, is that I was stressed about school.

The best bit is that I only have myself to blame.

It's all my fault, and I was actually willing to be responsible and admit it. It's my decision to leave papers to the last minute. It's my decision to do nothing all day and stay up all night doing assignments. It's my decision to slack off. I wish I could change, but I just can't. It was like I was born a procrastinator, and that's what I will always be. I can't help myself but leave assignments to the last minute. I can't help myself but not study for exams until the day I'm going to take them. It was just who I was, and I hated it.

But I couldn't leave the university. As much as I try to convince myself otherwise, I care about what other people think of me. And, as irrational as it is, I'd rather be failing all of my classes instead of dropping out. If I dropped out, they'd think of me as incapable.