You Know Nothing || Cersei Lannister (GxG)

LXIX.

A/N: It's almost over o.O

Are y'all ready?

"I haven't cried yet." she said bitterly as she sat in the windowsill, staring out off into the distance. "And that's... good? I'm really not sure. I'm not sure of anything anymore."

   "When you're accustomed to loss so frequently, I suppose the god of grief stops visiting." I poured myself a glass of wine before approaching her side. I put my hand on her chest, and she took it, gratefully, the summer air drifting in through the window and lifting her short locks.

    "First Joff, then Father, then Myrcella, and now my baby boy." She said monotonously. "If I'd only known it would lead to him jumping out a window, I wouldn't have blown up the damned Sept."

   "None of us would, my love." I set my glass down, massaging her shoulders. "But it's too late now. There's no more time for 'would have's or 'should have's."

   "I should've let him rule his kingdom the way he wanted to, but no." She nuzzled her face into the back of my hand. "We should have been stormed by Stannis that night. That way, the last thing he heard was the story of the young lion, and he knew he was safe, no matter what dangers were beyond the door."

   "Cersei..."

   "I shouldn't have sent Myrcella off to Dorne." She wiped away a tear that hadn't dared to fall. "That way, she never would've encountered those damned Sand Snakes. Her and Tommen could have grown up together, could've protected each other, but no. I must always make the poorest of decisions."

   "Cersei... don't do this to yourself."

    "What if I want to?" She whipped around, sobbing now. "What if I want to wallow in self-pity for the rest of my days? What if I want to hurt because my children have been hurt? What if I want to grieve for the parts of me that are lost that I will never be able to find again?"

   "Then wallow." I replied. "Hurt. Grieve. I'll be right behind you. But it doesn't matter how many tears dampen your cheeks." I reached out, brushing one from the corner of her eye with a cold fingertip. "It's over now. You can't bring them back. You can't lose them again."

   "I lose them every day." She turned back to her city. Corpses and rubble littered the streets. "Every morning, I wake up, and my life flashes before my eyes. I remember that they're gone, and I remember what a terrible person I am."

   "You're not terrible-"

   "How can I keep living when they're not?" She stood, crossing to the dresser, where she poured herself a glass of wine. "It's rather selfish of me. I've known many a childless mother who have taken their own lives. Why shouldn't I be like them?"

   "Cersei, I shouldn't have to explain this to you." I said sternly, taking the goblet and throwing it at the bedpost suddenly. It shattered into several pieces, summerwine seeping into the cracks of the stone floor.

   "Why in the Seven Hells did you do that?" She asked angrily.

   "I said I would be right behind you while you grieved, not while you spoke of suicide. You said that staying alive would be selfish, but... I think leaving is selfish!"

   "Are you calling my son selfish?"

   "He was my son, too, and... yes. When he jumped out that window, he was thinking only of his own pain. Right now, you are thinking only of your own pain."

   "I don't understand." She sniffed.

   "What would become of me if you left?" I asked, shaking her by the shoulders. "Tell me, what would become of Catelyn, your kingdom, and I... if you left?"

   "I don't know." She shuddered with sadness. She gasped for breath. "I don't care."

    "My lioness, my love." I tucked a strand of shaggy golden hair behind her ear. Her crown glittered on its satin pillow from the nightstand. "You know that isn't true. You care. You care too much." After a brief moment of silence, the flow of her tears slowed, and I continued. "If you're so broken that you think you can't come back, you might as well cut your wrists. But if my strong, vicious, beautiful, strategic wife is in there... The Seven Kingdoms needs you. Your daughter needs you. But most importantly, I need you."

   "Oh, Paityn, I'm so sorry." She said, shaking her head. "I didn't mean to upset you, I just... I feel so lost without them. And the worst part, I knew they were going to die, but couldn't do anything about it. Fuck this curse!" She rose suddenly, hitting her fist on the dresser. "Why won't it take me instead? Perhaps Joff deserved it, but certainly not Myrcella and Tommen. Not yet..."

    "Cersei. Darling." I thought to the Septa and Sparrow chained up in the dungeons. "I might have something to cheer you up."